UN MESSAGE DE LA FAMILLE
A LOVE LETTER TO MY DAUGHTER CATHERINE AS WRITTEN BY HER MOM AS THESE FIRST WORDS TUMBLE OUT OF MY MIND THE TEARS FLOW………..AT THIS VERY MOMENT CATHERINE…………… A CANDLE IS BEING LIT IN JERUSALEM AT THE HOLY LAND, A MASS IS BEING SAID IN ITALY BY YOUR DADDY’S COUSINS, YOU HAVE BEEN ENROLLED IN MASSES WITH THE MISSIONARY OBLATES OF MARY IMMACULATE AND THE SERAPHIC MASS ASSOCIATION AND THE GOOD WORKS OF THE CAPUCHIN FRIARS. I’M CERTAIN MORE LOVELY GIFTS OF THIS NATURE WILL BE FORTHCOMING. YOU ARE BEING BLESSED BEYOND MY CAPABILITIES! FOR THIS I AM GRATEFUL, SO GRATEFUL. WE GOT THIS NOTE ABOUT TWO HOURS AFTER YOU DIED FROM A DEAR PREIST FRIEND: “MY MASS THIS PM WILL BE FOR YOU…CAT MAY HAVE MISSED A LOT OF THE EVENTS IN LIFE WE CALL NORMAL, BUT SHE LIVED ON A SEA OF LOVE…..SHE WILL RETURN LOVE IN MANY SECRET WAYS, BE STRENGTH FOR YOU FROM HER PLACE IN OUR GOD WHO IS EVER GROWING LOVE……” AND HERE WE ARE CAT YOUR FAMILY AND FREINDS GATHERED TO CELEBRATE YOU! MY FIRST BORN, MY FIGHTER, MY REBEL, MY QUEEN OF OCD. DID YOU KNOW AT TIMES I WAS AFRAID OF YOUR ANGER TOWARDS ME? I REALIZED FAIRLY SOON THAT YOU JUST HAD NOBODY ELSE TO VENT WITH! I’VE NEVER BEEN AROUND TO WITNESS A HUMAN BEING GO FROM HEALTHY AND HAPPY TO SO VERY SICK AND EATEN UP LITERALLY BY AN ILLNESS THAT CLAIMED EVERY INCH OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL SELF! THIS WAS THE SLOWEST, MOST PAINFUL, UGLY AND CRUEL SICKNESS I’VE EVER SEEN OR KNOWN ABOUT. ALTHOUGH………….. WE FOUND OUT SOON ENOUGH WE WERE NOT ALONE. AND WE FOUND OUT WE HAD COMPASSION FOR THOSE WHO DIDN’T HAVE THE FAMILY AND FRIENDS WE DO. WE WANTED TO GATHER THEM ALL UP AND BRING THEM HOME TO OUR FAMILY AND OUR WARM HOUSE, GOOD FOOD, LOVE AND ALL OUR BLESSINGS. THE WAY YOU FOUGHT THRU EACH SURGERY & EACH UGLY PHASE OF THE CHANGES IN YOUR BODY, HAIR, SKIN AND WHAT IT DID TO YOUR DEMEANOR AND CONFIDENCE AND STRENGTH WAS AWE INSPIRING! THE MORE IT ATTACHED ITSELF TO YOU THE HARDER YOU FOUGHT. YOU GAVE ME STRENGTH TO FIGHT FOR YOU AND TAKE CARE OF YOU! AND…………WE HAD PRECIOUS DR. BRIAN BERRYMAN………………THAT WAS A GOD SEND… THAT OF ALL THE DOCS IN THE WORLD, HE WAS THE ONE WHO GOT STUCK WITH US! HE AND HIS STAFF OF NURSES AND SO MANY OTHER STAFFERS WHO GUIDED US WITH LOVE AND KINDNESS AND HOPE! AND TO THE NURSES WHO REALLY AND TRULY HELPED MY CAT, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU………….AND THE SURGEONS AND OTHER STAFF WHO COMPLIED WITH OUR SIMPLE REQUEST TO SIMPLY CONFER WITH DR. BERRYMAN! WE SAID LOTS OF CUSS WORDS TO HELP US KEEP ON GOING. WE MADE UP CODE WORDS JUST BETWEEN THE TWO OF US. I LOVED THE WORDS WE MADE UP. I LOVED HOW WE DID RESEARCH FOR OURSELVES AND LEARNED HOW TO COPE WITH THIS AND THAT. I LOVE HOW STRONG YOU ARE AND HOW STRONG YOU MADE ME. YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO FIGHT FOR YOU WITH PEOPLE WAY SMARTER THAN ME! YOU AND I WERE THE OLD LADY, SCARED TO DRIVE IN DALLAS AND THE DETERMINED YOU PERFORMING OUR RITUALS OVER AND OVER AND OVER………. TO GET DOWNTOWN SAFELY AND AFTER OUR VISIT WITH DR. B, HIT MCDONALDS FOR THE SWEET TEA AND FRIES AND LISTEN TO HEAVY METAL FOR THE LONG RIDE HOME. AT CHRISTMAS YOU LET ME PLAY MY CARPENTERS CD AND SANG ALONG AND STILL HAD A BEATIFUL VOICE. DAD WOULD BE WAITING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE, WITH PLATES, FORKS AND NAPKINS PERFECTLY SET OUT FOR HIS DRIVE THRU MEAL AND WATCHING FOX CABLE NEWS. HE TURNED ON LAMPS AND MADE IT WELCOMING EACH AND EVERY TIME! HE RARELY COMPLAINED ABOUT HOW LATE WE WERE OR HOW AWFUL SOME OF THE FAST FOOD WAS! HE WAS OUR ROCK OF STABLILITY! WHILE YOU WERE BUSY FIGHTING ALL THE CRUEL SIDE EFFECTS YOUR BROTHER AND SISTER WERE FIGHTING ALONG SIDE YOU TO KEEP UP YOUR SPIRITS AND TRY LIKE HELL TO MAKE YOU LAUGH. THAT WAS MY PERSONAL JOY, WHEN THEY CAME OVER AND I COULD HEAR THE LAUGHTER. I WISH YOU HADN’T SHUT OUT YOUR FRIENDS CAT, BUT YOU HATED THE WAY YOU LOOKED AND IT UPSET YOU WHEN THEY WOULD LEAVE TO GO BACK TO THEIR NORMAL LIVES. YOU WANTED YOUR NORMAL LIFE BACK SO BAD! YOU JUST WANTED TO DRIVE, SHOP, PAY BILLS, WATCH TV, SEND MESSAGES, GO TO A HOCKEY GAME OR CONCERT & EAT NORMAL. THINGS LEFT UNSAID: ON JANUARY 8 WHEN YOU WERE BROUGHT BACK TO MOMS AND DADS HOUSE FOR THE LAST TIME, YOU HAD SAID SOME THINGS TO ME ABOUT YOUR DAD, SISTER AND BROTHER AND ABOUT YOU! YOU TOLD ME IN ONE OF YOUR RARE LUCID MOMENTS “MOM, ITS GOING SO FAST” SO THEN I KNEW YOU KNEW, IT SLICED THRU ME LIKE A KNIFE. YOU HAD ONCE SAID ABOUT YOUR DAD, YOU FELT SO GUILTY FOR ALL THE MONEY HE WAS SPENDING ON YOUR CARE AND I TOLD YOU THE TRUTH THAT HE FELT BLESSED THAT HE COULD. HE SIMPLY COULD NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU COULDN’T BE SAVED!..........(P.S. DAD DID NOT ACTUALLY SAY HE FELT BLESSED REGARDING MONEY, HE SAID, HE WORKED HIS ASS OFF FOR IT AND WHAT THE HELL, HE COULDN’T TAKE IT WITH HIM!) YOUR BROTHER SAM IS A CHAMPION AT KNOWING WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU SMILE AND ENOURAGED YOU AS ONLY HE COULD, WITH FAITH AND LAUGHTER. HE IS A VERY KIND PERSON. HE SHARED YOUR LOVE OF CATS WITH YOU THROUGH HIS CATS! HE MADE YOU YOUR FAVORITE FOODS AND BOUGHT YOU REALLY NEAT AND USEFUL GIFTS FORM HIS HEART! YOUR SISTER NINA HAS BARELY MISSED A WEEKEND IN 5 ½ YEARS SINCE YOU GOT SICK. SHE HAS QUIETLY COME AND GONE, HELPED WITH WHATEVER WAS NEEDED BY EITHER YOU OR MYSELF, NEVER ONCE COMPLAINED AND LOVES HER BIG SISTER VERY MUCH. SHE TOO COULD MAKE YOU LAUGH AND FILL YOUR HEAD WITH GOODNESS. SHE MAINTAINED THE HOME YOU GIRLS SHARE IN A WAY YOU WERE SO PROUD OF HER FOR! WE ALL KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS FOR YOU NOT TO RETURN TO YOUR BEAUTIFUL CONDO FOR ALMOST 4 YEARS! WHO THE HELL WANTS TO LIVE WITH THEIR 82 YEAR OLD DAD & 70 YEAR OLD MOM, WHO EAT DINNER AT 6 AND GO TO BED AT 9 pm! BUT EVEN THOUGH WE ANNOYED THE CRAP OUT OF YOU, YOU KNEW YOU WERE BLESSED TO HAVE A ROOF, FOOD, MAID SERVICE, HOUSEKEEPING, FELLOW BITCH MASTER TO BITCH WITH AND A MOTHER WHO WOULD AND DID DO EVERY SINGLE THING POSSILBE TO GET YOU THRU EACH HOUR OF EACH DAY!...................... EXCEPT AFTER 9 PM AT NIGHT  A FEW DAYS AFTER YOU GOT TO OUR HOUSE FROM HAVING BEEN AT 3 DIFFERENT HOSPITALS, MANY OF YOUR FRIENDS CAME BY TO SEE YOU. THEY BROUGHT PHOTOS AND TOLD STORIES AND CRIED AND LAUGHED AND KISSED YOU AND HUGGED YOU AND PRAYED OVER YOU. GOOD LORD, WE DO HAVE BEAUTIFUL FAMLY AND FRIENDS!! HOWEVER…..I COULD HAVE DONE WITHOUT SOME OF THE PHOTOS FROM HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE THAT TOLD A VIVID STORY OR TWO…………BUT, SINCE I HAD BEEN THERE/DONE THAT………… WHAT COULD I SAY? HOSPICE, WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT THAT SET UP. A GIFT, YES. A BLESSING, YES. A SHIP THAT SAILS INTO YOUR HOME AND BRINGS WITH IT SUCH COMPASSION AND LOVE AND HELP AND KINDNESS, GENUINE KINDNESS THAT GUIDED US THROUGH YOUR LAST DAYS. A TRUE AND GENTLY GIFT OF LOVE. BEFORE I CLOSE I WANT TO SAY TO YOU MY DEAREST CATHERINE……….THE MORING OF YOUR DEATH, I KNEW. YOUR BREATHING HAD CHANGED, YOUR BODY MOVEMENT HAD CHANGED, T MEDS WERE NOT HAVING THE SAME EFFECT. EVERYTHING SLOWED DOWN. ABOUT MID MORNING I STARTED HOLDING YOUR HAND AS I HAD DONE HUNDREDS OF DAYS BEFORE AND TOLD YOU THIS; “CAT, I KNOW HOW HARD IT MUST BE FOR YOU NOT TO BE ABLE TO TALK TO ME, I KNOW YOUR SCARED BUT DON’T BE.” YOU TOLD ME YOURSELF YOU SAW OUR BLESSED MOTHER OF JESUS…………. SO SHE IS HERE SOMEWHERE AND IT’S GOING TO BE OKAY. DADDY LOVES YOU, MOM LOVES YOU, SAMMY LOVES YOU AND NINA LOVES YOU. MANY, MANY MORE PEOPLE LOVE YOU”…………….. AND I NAMED AS MANY AS I COULD BUT IF I TRY TO WRITE ALL THOSE NAMES DOWN HERE NOW………….. I WILL FORGET SOMEONE AND PISS THEM OFF, SO I’M NOT GOING TO! DAD WAS WITH US TOO BUT HAD TO LEAVE THE ROOM, IT HURT HIM SO MUCH TO SEE YOU STRUGGLING………….I TEXTED SAM AND NINA TO COME ON HOME……………..YOUR HOSPICE NURSE BRENDA CAME IN AND WHEN SHE REMOVED YOUR OXYGEN I KNEW…………IT WAS ONLY A FEW MINUTES LATER THAT YOU STOPPED MOVING AND BECAME PERFECTLY STILL WITH ALL THE SIGNS OF PAIN GONE FROM YOUR BEAUTIFUL FACE THAT I WAS PRIVILEGED TO SEE WHEN YOU WERE FIRST BORN AND HANDED TO ME AND ON THIS DAY WHEN YOU DIED. THE DAY AFTER YOU DIED AUNT ALICE TOLD ME THIS: SHES HAD A BIRD FEEDER OUT FOR ABOUT A MONTH TRYING TO ATTRACT HER FAVORITE BIRD WHICH IS THE BLUE JAY BECAUSE THEY ARE FEISTY AND DON’T TAKE CRAP OFF ANYBODY AND SO THEY REMIND HER OF YOU. SHE SAID GRANDMA LESLIE SENT 2 RED CARDINALS, OTHER BIRDS SHES NEVER SEEN BEFORE SHOWED UP AND THEN TWO BLUE JAYS! SHE COULD NOT BELIEVE IT SINCE IT HAD BEEN HANGING THERE FOR SO LONG! YOUR AUNT JUSTINE SAW YOU IN A DREAM IN A RED SWEATER AND JEANS GET UP OFF A BED AND SORT OF FLOAT AWAY LEAVING DARKNESS BEHIND………………AND UNCLE PAUL JUST HAD A DREAM ABOUT YOU TOO! UNCLE CHRIS AND AUNT JOSIE WILL PLANT AND CARE FOR YOUR APPLE TREE IN FLORIDA! I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS MY DARLING GIRL SENT BY OUR FRIENDS AND PRAYER BUDDIES, THE WHEELERS. GONE FROM MY SIGHT I AM STANDING UPON THE SEASHORE. A SHIP, AT MY SIDE, SPREADS HER WHITE SAILS TO THE MOVING BREEZE AND STARTS FOR THE BLUE OCEAN. SHE IS AN OBJECT OF BEAUTY AND STRENGTH. I STAND AND WATCH HER UNTIL, AT LENGTH, SHE HANGS LIKE A SPECK OF WHITE CLOU JUST WHERE THE SEA AND SKY COME TO MINGLE WITH EACH OTHER. THEN, SOMEONE AT MY SIDE SAYS, “THERE, SHE IS GONE”. GONE WHERE? GONE FROM MY SIGHT. THAT IS ALL. SHE IS JUST AS LARGE IN MAST, HULL AND SPAR AS SHE WAS WHEN SHE LEFT MY SIDE, AND, SHE IS JUST AS ABLE TO BEAR HER LOAD OF LIVING FREIGHT TO HER DESTINED PORT. HER DIMINISHED SIZE IS IN ME…NOT IN HER. AND, JUST AT THE MOMENT WHEN SOMEONE SAYS, “THERE, SHE IS GONE.” THERE ARE OTHER EYES WATCHING HER COMING, AND OTHER VOICES READY TO TAKE UP THE GLAD SHOUT, “HERE SHE COMES!” AND THAT IS DYING… Written by either Henry Van Dyke or Rev. Luther F. Beecher (there is some debate)

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