For 54 years I have been loved by the most honest, kind, romantic and humoristic husband and father of our children.  I am forever blessed for having Tommy in my life and I will miss and keep him in my heart forever.

Ann,

May you find a way to be at peace.  Your journey has been long and difficult. You have carried the burden of Tommy's deteriorating health with grace and strength.  Any man would be lucky to have a wife so loyal and caring.  Tommy is certainly in a better place now;  his existence on earth these last few years was no doubt troubling and confusing to him.  The fact that you have stood by him during these difficult times is a testament to your character.

Now is the time to remember the good memories.  And to rest your weary soul and to try to be at peace.

So my last memories will be of my family and the two of you playing miniature golf.  That, and the good ole days at Rehobeth Beach. Those were the good days.

I will be thinking about you in the days ahead. Bless you.


Tommy

Tommy's Sayings:  

He jumps out of bed one morning and I said "where are you going?"  He says, "I have something to do".  "What's that?" I asked.  He answered, "I'll let you know when I find out".

"It is what it is... It does what it does... and you do what you do."

While he was doing a puzzle, I told him that the box he was using as a guide was upside down.  He responded, "When doing puzzles, you need perspectives from all angles."

"My eyes can see anything, even if it isn't there."    

Wife, Ann Bolen

Memorial Service for Thomas Edward Bolen, Jr. October 5, 2015
October 8, 2015 5:30 p.m.
White Funeral Home  Supply, NC

Husband of Ann Bolen
Father of sons Charles (Kimberly)  Central Point, OR and David  Baltimore, MD
Grandfather of Grace and Lance Bolen
Brother of Alvin and Lillian (Edward) Brown  Myrtle Beach, SC
Brother in law of Rosa Bolen  Sunset Beach, NC
Several nieces, nephews, extended family members and numerous friends

It is profoundly sad to participate in what others have called the long goodbye as friends and loved ones slip away from us.  They are there  and they are not.  I had a chance to speak with Ann and David the other day.  They helped me understand the third dimension  depth  to Tommy's life.  Even with his dementia, Tommy could say some profound and funny things.  He would jump out of bed in the morning and exclaim I have something to do.  When asked what it was, he would respond I'll let you know when I find out.  It is this Thomas Edward Bolen Jr.  whose date of death (October 5) he shared with his father  who we lay to rest today.

I'd like to read a few verses from St. Paul's letter to the Romans
What then are we to say about these things?  If God is for us, who is against us?  He who did not withhold his own Son, but gave him up for all of us, will he not with him also give us everything else?  Who will bring any charge against God's elect?  It is God who justifies.  Who is to condemn?  It is Christ Jesus, who died, yes, who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who indeed intercedes for us.  Who will separate us from the love of Christ?  Will hardships, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?....

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Let us pray:
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of all mercy and the God of all consolation, who comforts us in all our sorrows so that we can comfort others in their sorrows with the consolation we ourselves have received from God.  Be the consolation of the Bolen family in this place on this day.  Gather up their sorrows and turn them into joy.  Graciously tend all those who mourn that they may cast all their sorrow on you, our brother in life and in death; through Jesus Christ.  Amen.

In 2004, the year in which Tommy was diagnosed with dementia, Steve Jobs, co-founder of Apple computers, was diagnosed with a rare form of pancreatic cancer.  In 2005, one year later, he was invited to give the commencement speech at Stanford University.  Not bad for a college dropout!  This is part of what he had to say:

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.  Because almost everything  all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure  these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose.  You are already naked.  There is no reason not to follow your heart.

Tommy Bolen followed his heart.  His heart, beyond his family, was the love of his life Ann  and his work.  For 32 years, he worked for AT&T in the Washington, DC area, the place of his birth.  Among many things, he wired buildings.  Not just any buildings.  Buildings like the Pentagon.  I'm unable to wire one room in our house.  Tommy wired the Pentagon.  Colleagues raved about his work.  They talked about his intelligence.  He not only could stand for hours with his arms extended to run wire through buildings  he understood the process.

It wasn't just that he had talents and gifts in that area.  He served in the United States Army and was a Sunday school teacher in the United Methodist Church.  Finally toward the end of his life, he was a landscaper and caretaker at Island Breeze.  He was truly a multitasker.  He did many things and he did them well.  If asked to describe Tommy, you would say that he was honest, that he was caring, that he loved his family and friends.

My somewhat educated guess is that he learned to be Tommy growing up in the Great Depression and having by all accounts nearly nothing.  But Tommy acknowledged that many others had even less than their nearly-nothing.  Scarcity probably rubbed off on him, forming him into a somewhat shy, retiring and emotional person.  This happens to a lot of folks.  They have little so they think they ARE nothing.  The more you understand Tommy, that surely didn't apply.  He was impressive with his simple tastes and total lack of needing to impress others.  Some might say he was self-deprecating.  Giving his beloved wife of 52 years a birthday card, he added a note:  And my darling, when I die I'll wait for you if it takes forever.  That's Tommy.  One of his favorite sayings was It is what it is, it does what it does, and you do what you do.  He had extraordinary vision.  He would say My eyes can see anything  even if it isn't there.  His hobby was picture puzzles.  Their garage is wall-to-wall and ceiling-to-floor with puzzles.  As fewer and fewer things made sense, he made sense out of constructing puzzles.

It was decided that one of the Scripture lessons to be read today would be Psalm 23.  I believe it speaks to the family and more broadly to all of us  to you and me.  That Psalm could be some 3,000 years old, and yet the images it invokes are as fresh as today's sunshine.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside still waters;
He restores my soul.
He leads me in right paths
For his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I fear no evil;
For you are with me;
Your rod and your staff 
They comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
In the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life,
And I shall dwell in the house of the LORD
My whole life long.

Shepherds had an incredibly difficult life.  Theirs was not a 14/7 job, it was 24/7/365 job with a love for the sheep, for his family, for the community.  Though they lived in places and among animals that were hostile to their lives and their sheep, they drew strength and comfort from beyond themselves, even from God. Today, shepherds are pretty well extinct in this country unless you live in places like Nevada.  

Tommy was described by words like very honest, loving, kind, and compassionate.  He loved his wife and kids more than anything.  Psalm 23 is about The shepherd, but it is also about the sheep.  Sheep walk through dark valleys, they live in often hostile environments, they do have great needs and want.  Tommy was a sheep.  Lutherans are wont to identify the children of God as sheep of Christ's fold, lambs of His flock, and sinners of Christ's redeeming.  I believe what kept Tommy the sheep going was a loving wife, loving kids, loving friends, and surely a loving God  you know, the stuff all sheep need to sustain them.  

We  the Tommys of the world  are the people who Jesus liked to hang out with.  People with great need, sheep who needed a caring shepherd, people who lived on the margins of the world, those who haven't yet figured everything out but who know they have something to do.  May the hand of God rest upon Tommy and upon all of us.

That's what I have to say about Tommy.  I know there are some of you who would like to add some personal words to this, and you are invited at this time to make some brief remarks if you choose.  Please come forward.

We close with a prayer .
O God grace and glory, we pray for your comfort and care this day.  Give courage and faith to all who mourn, to Ann and David & Charles and all family and friends.  Grant us a sure and certain hope in your loving care, that, casting all their sorrow on you, they may have strength for the days ahead as they walk through dark valleys. We offer our prayers in the name of the Lord as we pray together the prayer he taught us

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, they kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.  Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.  For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever and ever.  Amen

The Lord bless you and keep you;
The Lord's face shine on you with grace and mercy;
The Lord look upon you with favor and give you peace.
Amen

Thank you for being here today.  Go in peace.

The Uncle Tommy I Knew
Written by his niece, Cynthia

I don't remember much of Uncle Tommy when I was a child, just the Sunday dinners at Grandmother and Granddaddy's house, where all the siblings and their families would gather for a meal and consume some of her pies. Granddaddy and his boys would gather around the kitchen table after dinner and play High, Low, Jack, Game and I was allowed to watch but not tell what was in my Daddy's hand.  There was lots of laughter and attempts to fake one another out.  The sons would all laugh at Granddaddy, as he would get a half grin on his pipe-clenched mouth and it was a dead give-away that he had something good.

Uncle Tommy was the quiet type but the COOL uncle to this once-upon-a-time teenager, when he drove up in his convertible with his slender build and natural wavy hair.  He really was COOL when he purchased his Thunderbird.  I always thought he was rich. Then one Sunday he brought this spunky blonde to dinner and they decided to wash that neat car and she donned a two-piece red and white checked bathing suit, the first I had ever seen.  She soon was to become his bride for 52 years.

Once he told me that I was beautiful and he really liked the way my hair was worn.  I remarked that we inherited our wavy hair from Grandmother.  During his dementia when I walked into the room, he would look at me, and he and I would point to one another as a gesture that said, Hey, I know you.  He was very proud of the contents of his pockets which he carried special commemorative coins, with an American eagle and American flag, still somewhere in his mind knowing they were special, possibly from his Army days.  Every time you were with him, he would pull them out and say, See these, these are special.  We would act like it was the first time we had seen them.

He loved watching the hummingbirds fight over the feeder and eventually sit still and he would say, There's those little buggers. 

Ann's love and devotion for him surpassed anything I had ever witnessed.  During his dementia, they had their own language . . . it didn't make any sense to me, but they got it. 

For years, he never recognized her as his wife, never celebrated birthdays, anniversaries, bought her a Christmas present but she accepted it and cared for him.  They shared a deep love for Elvis Presley all through their time together, attending Eddie Miles shows and played Elvis non-stop in the house and the car. 

In the end for a clear moment, he was able to tell her that she would be okay and he loved her.  He knew that her family, friends, and neighbors will look after her as he shall from above.

My Dad was extremely honest.  He was probably the most honest man I've known.  I never saw him take advantage of anyone or try to cheat anyone.  In fact, I never saw him lie to anyone. I know that is hard to believe, but, amazingly, it is true.   He always played it straight. 

He showed me what a good husband looks like.  He always treated my mom with respect and loved her more than anything on earth.  I've tried to be that type of husband to my wife, based on his example. 

He was a very hard worker.  Life wasn't fair at times and he had a disease, narcolepsy, that made it hard to function each day but he always worked hard to support our family.  I never heard him complain about his disease or how hard it was.  And it definitely was hard for him.

As a father, early on he struggled showing his feelings, like all men from his generation.  But he worked at it and he got to the point where he'd always tell my brother and me that he loved us.  When I moved out of the house, he'd never end a phone call without telling me that.  

He also could be tough on you when he needed to be.  I remember calling him from school in Spokane, going on and on because I thought I was going to fail a big exam and how life was basically over.  He listened and said "Well, if you don't think you can cut it out there, you just let us know."  And he hung up the phone.   After screaming his name in anger around my apartment for a good 20 minutes, I got my backside to the law library and studied like crazy and ended up graduating with honors, which I'm sure is what he was trying to motivate me to do. 

He was a good man, a good husband and a good father, which is the best compliment we can give to someone.

Uncle Tommy

Just writing those two words, his laugh comes to mind immediately.  I will never forget that laugh; and with that laugh came his signature smile with that twinkle in his eyes.

I especially remember as a child summer days when the Bolen brothers cleared the horses out of the front field at the farm to get ready for their 3 Stooges like softball game with anyone that wanted to join.  All of a sudden, Who has the ball? Uncle Tommy would say.  I don't know, my dad would answer, I thought Who was on first!  And so it goes.

To my Uncle Tommy, during your life you never gave up, and you never gave in.  You definitely gave it all you had to give.  Your journey in life never came down to, Have I accomplished this? or, Have I traveled there?  You knew your life's journey always came down to who you had beside you.  First and foremost, your loving wife, and proudly, your sons and the rest of the family.

Like the branches on the old cigar tree on Carlton Avenue, we grow in different directions, yet our roots remain as one.  Those that we love and love us never go away.  You walk beside us every day, unseen, unheard, but always felt  guiding us. Know you are always loved, always missed, in all ways.

Love, Kathleen

Ann my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. May Tommy find peace and love in God's arms. He will be missed by all that knew him. You showed him all the love one can give and I know he appreciated all you did.
Ralph Maggio

I am so glad to have known such a good person.  Linda Gironda, Ocean Isle Beach

What fun Tommy and I had when he and I worked together landscaping here in Brunswick county. 

I shall miss you old friend,

Claudia Roth

Dear sweet Tommy, how you will be missed.  Throughout the years in Maryland and in Sunset beach while visiting, you made me laugh and you also made me cry, but with love.  You and Ann had the sweetest love affair throughout your married life.  Something to be desired. As my best friend, Ann and I, will share many memories of you.  I hope you took your special coins with you.  I know how much you loved the one David gave you.  Rest in Peace Tommy and just know how much you were loved.  Hugs, Anne and Jerry

OBITUARY

Thomas Edward Bolen Jr.

26 August, 1932 – 5 October, 2015

White Funeral & Cremation Service

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