Helen Despotakis

To begin her story, Helen Despotakis was a Saint and touched a lot of people’s lives and was loved by so many whom she left a lasting impression with anyone who ever met her. Whether you did not know her at all, or very little, or very well, despite her stature being only 4 ft. 5 inches, she was the tallest and proudest person we ever knew. She once fell and broke her wrist and waited hours to call me and wanted to sneak out of the building on the way to the emergency room without anyone seeing her. She fought gallantly for years to continue walking without any assistance despite all her ailments. Not even a fractured sternum, ribs, two hips, ravaged by arthritis, frozen and torn rotator cuffs, bone-to-bone knees, etc. would slow her down. Her doctors thought she was a miracle. She finally gave in to accepting the need for something more than a shopping cart and then a cane, prolonging the rollator/walker with a seat which ultimately became her best friend, to finally having no choice but to be in a wheelchair over the last year or two.

We grew up without a lot of money or material objects, but love is all we needed to survive. As we tried to scream out to her on the phone after writing her a heartfelt card which she read and heard on what eventually would be her final day, she was the BEST mother in the whole wide world. She always managed to put food on the table and clothes on our backs. We never experienced neglect or hunger or lack of love. Our parents gave us all the love we could ask for and the greatest love of all is a Mother’s love, which is immeasurable and unmatched. Helen was a selfless, affectionate, loving mother, loyal and devoted wife, beloved grandmother, aunt, cousin, friend, neighbor, etc., who happened to be the most unselfish person on the planet. It’s hard to understand how she managed to feed a family of 5 with one whole chicken and potatoes. She would only eat the neck or the wings, only to discover years later that she did not like wings. I saw her make so many sacrifices and witnessed her kind acts and generosity over my lifetime. There are just too many to mention and count. Often times she would cook 2 or 3 different meals for her 3 children who did not always like the same foods. Some people may consider that as being spoiled, but it actually is her doing her best as a mother to make sure all her children were happy and well-fed.

Helen’s maiden name was Adamopoulos and she was the youngest of 8 brothers and sisters. Born and married in Greece, she took the biggest chance and leap of her young life when she decided to leave her country, mother and all her relatives to travel with her husband and 2 year-old son in search of a better life…as many immigrants did in the early 1950’s. Setting foot initially in Halifax, the 3 of them moved on to live in Montreal, Canada for over 10 years. Speaking only Greek, she had to learn both English and some French just to get by and worked as a seamstress earning pennies per hour. She was so good and fast at it that I remember her telling me the story about how her boss cried when she told him she was no longer going to be working for him. She would sew and repair everything from a button to a wedding dress.

At one point in time, while living in Montreal, she was forced to care for and raise her three children on her own as our father strived for a way to have his family join him in NYC, where he would eventually move his entire family in 1966. She was so proud of the fact that she had given birth to three children in three different countries—the oldest in Greece, the second in Canada, and the third and youngest in the

U.S. She was determined to have her daughter born as an American citizen and travelled 9 months pregnant either by train or bus, not sure which, to Gary, Indiana where my Godfather Marino opened his home to her until she gave birth before returning to Montreal. Thus the reason for the name Marina being chosen. Almost on a daily basis, she would tell anyone and everyone she crossed paths about how proud she was that she had a daughter who was born here in the United States and that she “ate steel to give birth to me in America”. Translated from a common Greek saying. She would tell people in the nursing home “this is my daughter and she born here”. One funny story that my brothers will enjoy is the time she was living in Montreal and she barely spoke any English. There was a woman talking to her in Yiddish a mile a minute and when she asked if she spoke Yiddish, she replied “a little bit” thinking she said English, and not Yiddish. The woman proceeded to have a long conversation with her not knowing she didn’t understand a word she was saying.

The ultimate sense of pride and honor she had was telling everyone that she had “2 or “3” doctors in the house.” She loved all her siblings equally, but held a special place in her heart for her oldest brother who was a father figure. She was especially proud of the fact that he was a very prestigious, successful, and well-known orthopedic surgeon in Kalamata who later on opened a private clinic in Athens. Her nephew who would have followed in his footsteps if not for an untimely death, and her deeply beloved sister Zeza who was his nurse’s assistant working alongside of him were always in her thoughts. Many times you would hear her ask “where are they now” and wished for them to still be alive to be able to help with all her aches and pains, as in the past. She was the baby in the family and the last of all the siblings to go. Her father died at a very young age and the special admiration, respect and love she had for her mother, is exactly the same as what her children felt for her.

So who really was Helen Despotakis? She was a very religious person. Her favorite color was purple (“poorple”) who loved flowers, the ocean, and picking up stones and shells from the beach shore. One of her infamous quotes when she took one of her young granddaughters with her to a restroom in a restaurant in Astoria, was “Waaaain a minute”, when someone barged in on them because she forgot to lock the door. We laughed for hours and years over this. “Wait a minute” would not have been as funny. There are just countless stories to tell. She was afraid of a lot of things in life, including doctors, dentists, snakes, and sleeping alone, especially in the dark. She couldn’t stomach watching anyone blow their nose so that lead to more pranks by her son Bill. One thing is for certain, she was unafraid of showing her emotions and expressing her deep love for her children and 6 grandchildren. She would always tell us all how much she loved us and would always find words of support, wisdom and guidance to share, even to the very end. Her many little consecutive kisses she would plant on our faces and eyelids in particular is a memory that will last forever. She had been traumatized many times over the years and was not good at coping or handling or hearing about any emergencies or tragedies. We would make fun of her when she would say “this is the end of the world” or try to change the subject and laugh it off when she would be afraid or anxious, or not having a good day, and say to us, this is the end and don’t leave me. The truth is she was more of a pessimist than an optimist. Yet she was a pillar of strength and courage and as tough as they come.

She was very ticklish around her neck, especially when Frank and Adam would kiss her many times under her chin and behind her ears as we watched her giggle uncontrollably. She loved to watch The Three Stooges, The Marx Brothers, I Love Lucy, Carol Burnett, Abbott & Costello, Laurel & Hardy, and Sonny &

Cher. She totally enjoyed listening to Yianni’s music, especially since he came from the same town in Greece, and was thrilled to be able to see him live in Radio City, as well as the music and concerts by Mario Frangoulis, La Boheme, and the Phantom of the Opera. She herself had a beautiful singing voice like a bird. She was a big animal lover and all animals gravitated to her with genuine love and affection. She loved drawing-- birds and butterflies in particular. She loved lemons and avgolemano soup. She truly loved clothes and was a fashionista, even changing her wardrobe more than once a day. I’ll never forget the shopping trips we would take to boutiques and department stores in Manhattan, Jackson Heights, Astoria, Jamaica, the malls, etc. Our parents, especially our mother, would light up like a Christmas tree if we ever took them on a drive anywhere…to the beach, upstate, the vineyards, Oyster Bay where we would joke and laugh at the signs, “private road”, and absolutely anywhere we would take them. We will never forget the vacations we shared together and with my cousins in Florida, Greenport, Delaware, Greece, Canada, PA, MD, just to name a few. Growing up we treasured the rides we would take together and spend quality time as a family at Central Park, Rockefeller Center, Bryant Park, Jones Beach, ferry rides to Staten Island and Statue of Liberty, picnics and BBQ’s to Flushing Meadow Park, Coney Island and Sunken Meadow Park. With no car and very little money, we managed to pack up many bags and food, taking 3 trains, a bus and walking to Manhattan Beach in particular. We shared wonderful memories and remember falling asleep totally content on the subway ride back home after a long day. As long as we were all together, that’s all that mattered. She wanted to have any relatives or friends that would visit us from other countries share the same experiences around NY. She was no longer a tourist, but became the guide.

Who was Helen Despotakis? Although sometimes serious and sometimes shy and soft spoken, she was actually much funnier than most people realize. We remember the story she would tell with a sly snicker about when she was a young girl in school and she tied her classmate’s braids in a knot around the chair she was sitting on in front of her, and when she stood up to leave the girl had the chair lift up with her! The whole class laughed. She really was a prankster. Another funny story was when she was shopping at Stern’s and the cashier inadvertently put someone else’s coffee maker in her bag and she unknowingly took it home with her other items. Her son-in-law Frank pulled the ultimate prank on her when he called her on the phone making believe he was the store manager and that she was caught on camera leaving with a coffee maker that she didn’t pay for. Her first reply on the phone was pretending she did not understand by saying, “No speak it English”! He told her it was a practical joke right before she hung up. To this day we laugh about that story. Living as an empty nester, she was an early bird who would wake up very early to take her morning strolls while our father slept late and would meet her later in the morning. The joke was where he would find her…Dunkin Donuts, Burger King, McDonald’s, White Castle…all within walking distance. In recent years, she couldn’t wait for those wonderful Sundays when her son Gus and daughter in-law Cathy would take her out to eat lunch. She was treated like a queen!

Who was Helen Despotakis? She was so beautiful inside and out. She was the BEST MOTHER in the whole world and we ask that in her honor and on her behalf, whoever is reading this, to please take a moment to either turn to your mother, call her on the phone, or look up to the sky, blow her a kiss, and tell her thank you for everything and how much you love her! There is no bigger love than that of a mother’s love. She came so close to holding her first great grandchild this July, but we believe she will be looking down from heaven at that very blessed moment with nothing but love and pride and joy.

This wasn’t the way it was supposed to end. Not now and certainly not like this. When we leave this world and our spirit and memory lives on, nobody knows when we take our last breath, or how or why, but we must continue to believe there is a reason for everything. Of course, no one ever expected this silent killer to enter into our world and community and family, yet here it is rearing its ugly head as invisible and unknown and as deadly as ever. I was planning on handing out this obituary at her wake, but things have changed in ways we never could have imagined. At 98, our mother’s passing was obviously inevitable, although if anyone had the chance to make it to 100, it would have been her. Yet it was still sudden and the circumstances surrounding her unforeseen and unexpected passing were unimaginable. We were so fortunate to have been with her and celebrate her 98th birthday at the beginning of March, unbeknownst to all of us that it would be the last time we would see her in person. Her husband, parents, siblings, Kiki, Dino, Christo, and all her beloved relatives that were lost are together again. Our father in heaven waited so patiently to open the gate on the other side for her.

And so this story does not end with her daughter sitting by her side holding her hand and kissing her forehead closing her eyes, the way she would have wanted as her one dying wish. It was not to be written the way she had planned or requested. Her last wish could not be fulfilled. Only God knew when would be the last time we would kiss goodbye and say “see you tomorrow, I love you,” and blow a kiss goodbye. He had other plans for her, and due to this horrendous Co-Vid 19 pandemic, she unselfishly protected me one last time as she spared me from that painful moment, as well as any possible danger and risk to me and my family. Earlier on that sad day I yelled out on the phone to her with my family around me, what would be my final words, along with a card and some recent pictures I dropped off to her the day before she passed, that she was the BEST MOTHER in the whole world and how much we loved her. Unable to visit, we were assured that it was read to her and she even read it herself and held it tightly in her hands, and understood a little better why I could not be with her at that time and what was happening all around the world. Her requests to “Please call Marina and tell her to come now” did not go on deaf ears, but it just wasn’t possible. The actual ending of this long story will be us remembering her looking down and waving from her third floor apartment window… in the same way she is looking down now and waving to all of us from above.