It’s Friday,June20 th,2025 and it’s 12:43 pm. Jimmy was moved to the 8 th floor,as his heart and breathing were not normal.Ive stayed in the past two weeks and Dr.Fiorentino said to take Tylenol ,heating pad and lidocaine for the injury to my left rib cage. It’s been so quiet,My orders came to start packing.Its been since Dec,5 ,2024 to present that Baja is in the hospital.The being alone every day ,except got Andry is difficult.I speak to no one,don’t go out and rarely see the few people that use to stop bu.Ill write again tomorrow,

I started wring earlier but it got erased.Jlmmy is still in the hospital,not doing well at all.He was 210 when he was admitted and now weighs 125• This is a nightmare ‘the pain he endures is excruciating,he can no longer stand or walk,he’s bedridden.All my plans to bring him home have changed.Joe,Alyssa,Jon and Nate are in Europe.Phil and Lucky as well as Timmy Spaun keep in touch.Your sister travels once or twice a week to see him.Im still wondering about the formaldehyde.He eats nothing! Maybe 1 egg every few  days.I barely recognize him,The staff,Ms, White.the  NAS and Rita the PA are  Wonderful.Its been 7 months! We’ve never been this apart for ever,52 years!As you know I only speak to Vanessa at POD,and she is fantastic! Forgets nothing. Encouraging,patient and sincere.Others seem almost afraid to ask about him the nugents crowd miss him,Matt,Joe  Wynne,John,and many more,His friends from Lake George also inquire,Not one person,one word or even repeating another’s concern have happened,Stii what did he do?I have to go,I’ll be back tomorrow,love and miss you,mommy

It’s Tuesday,May 6 th,2025 and it’s 11:11 pm.My thoughts are scrambled,chaotic and confusing.I talked to BJ,texted with Alyssa and talked to Phil.I had the cat scan done yesterday,Andry went with me and I really enjoyed seeing and talking to so many people at the hospital.This morning I was exhausted stayed in bed and glad the Vickster came by.The kids are going to Europe soon and as much as I’d like to I can’t go to lake George. I have seen Foodtown Mike today ,but Lenny and Tony I haven’t seen in months.I really need to try harder to get my strength back,I weigh 98 pounds.But I need to exercise a little,to walk better and use my hands.Of course MS has entered my mind and the signs/ symptoms are evident.I miss the kids at the coffee shop and I’m thinking about decorating for Memorial Day.I still haven’t responded to the 92 requests and I’m seriously considering contacting NYSIF.I know had they paid for my medication( which they should have) I wouldn’t be this sick. It no one wants to challenge them!Adeline is getting friendlier,but spoiled rotten.She sleeps with me every night.I don’t know what or why but she stares at the hallway as though she sees someone or something.I hope the cat scan is okay,but I’m not going for the mammogram.I already know what was found years ago.Leave it alone! I need to get through each day,knowing BJ ,whose BP is 80/50,and he felt clammy.Still can’t walk,I still think the nerve block caused that.Just like Vietnam caused radiation poisoning. This weekend is Mother’s Day and I wish them all the best.I miss my mom so much!I have to get the pictures to you next time. I’m hoping to sleep tonight and wake up without a headache and maybe some energy. So,goodnight.

It’s Saturday,May 3 rd,2025 and it’s 9:53 am. Things aren’t going well for BJ. From December 2024 to the present,lost 50 pounds! I’m not getting any less anxious,worried and physically ill.The days are long ,but after 2:30 pm Andry and I go out. ( Andry is invaluable) I really got close to her. I missed Paul .s call yesterday as well as Iman on the 1 st. Joe Magnoon stops by as well as Foodtown Mike.Ive been to the coffee shop a few times last week. I am actually afraid to see BJ today. I did talk to Vanessa at POD.Only because of Andry do I find the strength to get ready to see BJ. I’ll start getting ready shortly,shower,shampoo, and hope the nausea doesn’t return as well as palpitations and feeling like I’m about to drop. I’m not sure if I’ve ever been so alone.Of course Adeline Rollover helps with her antics. I can’t continue to write,maybe later. Miss you

Today is Thursday, March 27,2025 and it’s 12 noon. I broke today. Can’t be repaired, fixed or duplicated.Its always dark, even during daylight.Things once forgotten return with a vengeance, unstoppable,hurt is immeasurable.No way to stop it. Even tears can’t wash away the pain, invisible to most, but not to me. No, it’s always there, maybe you can’t see it , but its presence is loud, I doubt it will ever be silenced. You bury things in the ground, but are forever gone in your head, until one day it shows its ugly face, but you can’t turn away, knowing it will always be there. The only way to erase it entirely is to destroy it,  but how? Can it return? Will it? No one knows for sure . Maybe everyone hides, keeps , secretly of course, but for how long?Maybe forever or just another hour. Or it never really existed! And only in our head and only when we allow it to escape, if ever, then what? Oh, to chase it again, getting closer but never touching it. That sounds like all life’s dreams.

Well,it’s been almost 6 months ,through 3 hospitals and BJ is still hospitalized and sick.His bloodwork.ekg,and his weight is down to 160.This has been a never ending nightmare that I couldn’t tolerate if your sister weren’t with me ,every step of the way.I myself seem to be doing well,no complaints.But knowing what BJ is going through ,the pain alone;all from Agent Orange.Hes been on every pain med available yet little or no relief.The VA has supposedly some of the best doctors from NY. Unfortunately the internet seems to know a lot more and include a prognosis.I know most of Yonkers is praying for him,for a good recovery ,but I can’t guarantee that.Rita ,his primary doctor there is fantastic.Dr.Fiorentino actually checked on him every day when he was in St.Johns.I really thought he could come home,but a lot of issues were raised.I was planning to make the Living room his ,with a hospital bed and all the other medical equipment he would need.These are the times you really need support from people ,unfortunately for me ( and him) that didn’t and never will happen.Andry is super good,couldn’t do this without her!Luckily the Vickster ,Virg and Andry get along great.Virg and I met with the team regarding BJ.s wishes and we all agreed ,but needed him to express his own feelings.I have been low profile,only go out to see him and doctors visits ,the last one I cancelled.Never could have even imagine this would happen! But it has and I’m doing my best dealing with it all.I would send a picture,but prefer not to.

It’s 2:23 am,Monday,February 24,2025.This is without a doubt the most difficult thing I ve written.The past few months have been horrible.Just looking at someone you cared and loved for years,once a big muscular person,about 210 ,now barely weighs 150.But it’s the pain he has to endure 24 hours a day! Severe pain,no way to lessen it except moving a bit.Once riding a exercise bike 8 miles a day,now can not touch the floor.No,it’s not the cancer,they checked.Its an unknown,vicious,non ending ,unable to even eat,let alone take sips of water.I ve never seen someone in tortures pain.It hurts just to watch him.Struggles at everything or waits for assistance.You sister is my strongest ally,The Vickster,Joe and Alyssa keep him going.I wonder what he ever did to anyone to be treated,alone and in agony.Your death ,right after the report to APS started this night mare and it continues every day.There will be nothing when the time comes,I agree.How can you feel remorse when 10 years passed in silence.Again,if someone chooses to delete me from thier live ,ok,but why forbid your kids and grandchildren become only a memory.This situation can’t get worse! I am ESRD and the other being literally eaten from inside out.Everything and everyone will soon be gone.Even God can’t change the course of things.Im holding on using my sense of humor ( yes,even know) to get me through each hour.Unpredicted,never ready,it’s impossible.I feel like it will be soon,there’s no chance I’ve been told,I can’t even imagine the fear,the thoughts,the constant wondering and wanting to know why.Although I’m not overly religious,I can’t even imagine hope.I do hope to write again,tomorrow I’m going to see him,possibly for the last time.I have to rest,I’m exhausted mentally.miss you

Today is Wednesday,February 19,2025 and it’s 11:53 am .6 months! Hundreds of tests,about 30 opinions and every treatment possible.For what!210 pounds down to 160.Pulling away from friends,very unlike him,Still haven’t told him Charlie died.The cats toys are the only sounds I hear most of the day.A sigh of relief when the bell rings and it’s Andry.Lawyers still calling ,re:92 Vicky always makes me laugh.The night is the worst.cold lonely,want to call out but can’t.Adeline senses my mood changes.Im trying not to cry ,but today it’s impossible.New friends ,Lainey and Julie from nurse care,Not sure what to do,expect or plan for.The isolation sucks the life out of me.Miss the neighborhood.Miss Lil Jimmy

It’s 5:30 pm,Thursday,January 9 ,2025. I had to document this.I spoke to BJ earlier and he stated that although he wasn’t given any pain medication today,he’s not in any pain.This was after the latest cat scan.I wish I could say it’s a great sign,but it’s not.Ive seen this phenomenon in others. I have to lay down. Everyone is fine.

Well,it’s already December 6 th ,2024 and it’s 12:20pm.BJ is tolerating the methadone and o y,however his intake ,both fluids and food still remain poor.His confusion comes and goes.He is still able to ambulate with help ,short distances.Both the foley and iliostomy are functioning.Blackish color in iliostomy seems to have stopped.The Vickster called and came by yesterday.She brought McDonald’s for us.BJ actually ate some of it.He was questioning everything I did, and even seemed about his meds.I still can’t come to terms the way St.Johns treated him,sent him home with an empty foley bag! The dog.or tape was not dated,initialed,or secure.I cannot take this foley out like the last one because I don’t have a syringe.This is absolutely cruel.I wonder if being a DNR,minimizes the care one gets.Andry,has a routine ,but also assists me when needed which really isn’t fair to her.BJ says he won’t make the weekend.and 127,haunts me,being his favorite number.Even Adeline is acting different.Sleeps on his dungarees ,on the bed,all day.I am furious!Knowing certain others ( II) are being put up ,fed,housed and medically treated without question.Im documenting ,both in writing and photos this travesty.I intend to talk to those that should know the treatment our vets receive,not just the VA. The narcan is within my reach at all times.He sometimes asks for the pain med,but I have to space them.This is the worst scenario ever!I have to control my anger ,especially with my high blood pressure.Trying my best,I have an O2 meter,a thermometer,because he feels hot and bags of pads and underwear. I spoke to Paul today and texted Iman yesterday.Robert and George have been great,calling ,checking on us .I have to go.He calls me quite often.

It’s Wednesday,November 27,2024 and it’s 3:01 pm.Just got off the phone with Timmy Spaun Hes been great ,helping out any way he can.Yesterday your sister took BJ to the doctors.Theres no easy way to say this.Pallative care,methadone,I’ve never felt like this before.Im lost,angry, don’t know what to do,if anything.Phil,Timmy,Matt,Joe,Holtz and so many others. I don’t know what to do or say,how to act or react,cry?

Today is November 19,2024 and it’s 12:06 pm. BJ is being admitted to the hospital,Virg is taking him.He doesn’t look good at all.Hes weak,unsteady and forgetful.Im already thinking about what Ill do should things go wrong.Hard to believe ,but no word from Ant.Its been 11 years,I wonder why.Again I apologize about 92.The probate being denied and I know why.Ruthie D got everything except the houses; probably close to 150- 200 thousand.odd,I never heard from her again after Aunt Bud died,also 11 years ago.We use to talk every month and I flew to Calafornia for her sons wedding.I really am going to make a lot of changes ,very soon. No one speaks to me,but won’t tell me why.Im done with all of them,really.Why? I’ll always want to know why that the entire family,including nieces and nephews( some I never met)no longer talk to me ( or BJ).It’s finished for good.Never again.!Hopfully I’ll get to the cemetery soon.missing you more each day.

It’s November 8 th,2024.My wedding anniversary is November 21 st.The last few months have been extremely difficult.I was hospitized 3 times ,BJ hospitalized twice and required to go for 6 tests,mri.ekg,bloodwork.seen by specialist for reoccurrence of cancer.Now has 2 bags,lost 22 pounds and doesn’t go out anymore.So grateful that Andry comes every day,and Virg comes about 3 times a week.BJ being admitted tomorrow.Phil Ned calls,as does Lucky.Talk occasionally to the ILL BE ALONE AFTER BJ goes to the hospital.As far as me being accepted to Calvary,I well,I’m holding off.This is the most difficult time of my life.Still wondering why the enstrangement happened in the first place.Robert ( the super) checks on us every day.Joe still traveling the country,Bolivia,Columbia, Going back to Ireland ,just came back ,after 3 weeks from Portirico.Not celebrating Thanksgiving or Christmas,first time ever.Adeline ,I’ll tell you about her another time.Missing you

Quick note,it’s Sunday ,October 27 th,2024

It’s October 26,2024 and it’s 9:27 pm.The past few weeks have been almost too much to bear.Me,going into Calvary?! I’m down to 100 pounds ,but am more active,thanks to Andry,a very special ,sincere,sweet and understanding person.We became close very quickly.The last few times in the hospital,were followed by BJ going into the hospital. Virg is handling everything and it’s not fair,she’s only one person.I remember her helping others out.I am continuing physical therapy and Andry is the reason.Joe survived the worst weather in Floridas history,after coming back from 3 weeks in Portrico..I’ve been going out ( not alone,with the walker) and have seen and spoke to at least 40 people I hadn’t talked to or saw.Andry is fantastic! She cares for me as well as the apt. she makes the best macaroni salad..Sweeps,dust,vacuums and mops the entire place daily!She also does laundry,goes to the store,looks after Adeline and is always in a good mood.The place is spotless.Ironically,not one person came by since she started.Still using Instacart and Robert the super is great.No vacation this year,still dealing with MS,fractured a rib,last fall and shattered my knee,another fall.I want Virg,Jim,Joe and Alyssa get to Ireland,it’s planned.I haven’t seen one person from the past,miss Stef,Nancy,Ro,Michelleand Bobby Percello.Not having Halloween,Christmas either.Arnovia is a good friend.It will be a quiet Christmas and silent night for sure.Ill try to stay up on things but the desire to write gets lost in a sea of tears.Still on the oxygen and meds.Next will be the Veterans Hospital,I hope the staff and specialists can do something to relieve BJ’ pain.Havent heard from Vicky ,now that she’s working ,in weeks.Spends half the time in Conneticut( Goshen)seems to be doing really good..I got to go,it’s 10:53 pm,you know what that means.missing you and others both alive and dead.Horrible feeling.To be alone so much of the time,,feels like you disappeared.Live in a solitary life and forget was.

I know it’s been awhile,sorry.Its 11:34 pm Monday night ,September 30,2024.BJ is reading and I’m writing.Alyssa and Joe vacationed in Maine,New Hampshire ,Boston and Nova Scotia.But they returned home and Joe went to Italy with J for a few weeks.Now get this ,Andry,my friend who looks after me every day is going to Mexico and Kristen and Jim are going to Florida.Ive been in touch with my counselor,Paul and Iman ,as well as Diane Dooley who is the person doing all the paper work,and yes,I have been accepted at Calvary,in the Bronx.Im hoping to stay home for another four weeks,although I fell last night.Fell between the wall and the oxygen.Im okay just banged up.I had lunch and talked to Antonio Libertore ( his mom is Connie) he works for parks dept,What a nice guy.Its been quiet ,I’ve gone out with Andry 5 days straight with the walker of course.Even went to CVS via Uber.Things are quiet ,I decorated for Labor Day,put a 7 by 7 backdrop on the store window and the guys inNugents and people walking by stood in front of it and took pictures.Halloween will be difficult to do ,but I’ll try.Im going to the Drs.this Wednesday,so,I’ll know more ,like my weight ( 105).My kidney function is still failing,that’s why I’m so weak.Adeline Rollover is doing great,she’s crazy ,but makes me laugh.Sept.22/26/ &27 were all the girls birthdays.October not my best month,my dad,brother, and Aunt Niney( that’s who the cat is named after) Missing you more each day,it’s worse now.Oh! October 21st at 10:53 am( 2012,everything changed .I do mean everything! People ,places ,parties,pets ,but the pain increases. Soon handsome devil

It’s 1 am,August 18 th,2024.So much to say’The last few months have been scary’I fell 3 times and again yesterday morning.BJ picked me up.I had the glass coffee carafe in my hand,but didn’t get cut.As you know Hospice will be coming soon to evaluate my needs,yes,hospice.Im grateful I have Andry ,a HHA daily for at lease 2 months.This is a nightmare I want to end.NYSIF is to blame considering thier refusal to pay for the med I needed.Remember this :Fibrillaryglomularnephritis.Virg has been my rock,I was embarrassed and ashamed to tell those handling my care at home that I didn’t have one relative that would be willing to talk to me regarding Freedom Care,where they would get paid the same day at about 21$ a hour,just to sit with me.BJ has me nervous as he states he wants to go to the hospital as he is unable to urinate.I certainly can’t go with him and really can’t be alone for days.I dread the onset of pain ,especially because the doctors prefer I take nothing ,like it’s going to matter now!I regret taking everything out of both closets because now I can’t put them back,too weak and unsteady.Ill see if Andry will do it ,over the course of a week maybe.Ive been accepted at Calvary ,but Virg and I want me to stay home as long as possible.Ill try and keep up writing ,but it’s not enjoyable as you can imagine.Miss you

Today is Saturday,July 27 th,2024;yesterday I turned 70. Joe flew in from Florida and Kristen,Jim,and Alyssa sent the biggest flower arrangement I ever saw! Robert ( the super) and and Arnovia and a nephew.T they all picked me up. I was embarrassed no not really more confused as to what could have happened what made me collapse that’s the word this entire saga is not going well. There’s been no one here for a month. No return phone calls and I still despise New York State insurance fund Workmen’s Comp.. if I had the energy, I would set up a nice white tent outside of Foodtown and make a very bold sign on cardboard that would say, please please I beg of you will help me and my cat and I’m not lying because I do have a cat and she’s fussy something has to give sooner or later and I have a feeling it might be me. Oh the Vickster just called. That’s all I’m saying no big plans for today. Joe and I are going to attempt to straighten up the bedroom and maybe do my hair and then I can go out and be incognito , I’m not really in the mood to talk to anyone. Shocking. ! I don’t think that I got injured badly. Just my left kidney hip and my fingers on my left hand. Therefore, I really can’t do anything. Yes I’m only kidding on here but emotionally. I am drained and did call Diane and Sandy in regards to freedom care so far nothing, I will call Wanda , Gloria and Chris Monday no word from Adaline not the cat the person I will get back to this later. It is 12:41 PM. Very nice day at least from the window. I can’t curse so therefore I think it’s best. I don’t say anything else.

Today is July 23 rd 2024;Tuesday and it’s 4:10 pm.I talked to Dr.Fiorentino today and he seems to think I should go to the hospital.I still don’t have a home health aide ,it’s been almost a month.I told Virg everything the doctor said ,including calling adult protective services! ( remember Aunt Bud) Virg is concerned because she and Jimmy would be or could be held responsible.I missed Iman yesterday too.Maybe Fiorentino is right ,go into the hospital and let it takes it course.Come back home? Not likely.Im waiting patiently for him to call me again.I think he’s right.Being treated the way I am is sad.Im going to get ready soon and maybe go first thing in the morning or tonight.Fiorentino says it’s neuropathy,the burning ,crushing pain in my feet ,legs and back.Ill keep you posted.

Today.I nearly cried but for two totally different reasons.The verbal exchange between me and Jimmy ( your father) is too emotional to put in writing.The staff from ( Jazmin) cleaning did an incredible job here! Even Virg was impressed.I wish I could show you ,but another time.The bedroom and all MY garbage needs to be done.Thats a job in itself! Anyway.I missed  Fiorentino, the phone call. I’m concerned because I haven’t urinated all day! I’m not sure  why ,except having no access to the kitchen ,as they were scrubbing the floor,appliances and the bathroom.I started drinking water about 7:30 pm.The Vickster stopped by and she too was impressed.She had something for me.I slept until 7 pm tonight ,July 12 th,2024 and it’s 8:30 pm now.Adeline the cat never took her eyes off them as she peered through an opening in the bedroom door.As a matter of fact ,let me stop here and I’ll take a few pictures.As far as drama,” acting”, or my thirst for attention,I’m going to file that in the back of my mind. Paul ( the Captain ) Kaplan was a godsend when he called me this morning.I feel somewhat better ,and trying to ignore what still needs to be done.Anyway,Virg is keeping an eye on Jax,he was  diagnosed with Parkinson’s and cancer.Virg is devastated! I’ll probably call Imen ( Heinz) on Monday. Well the rest of the night I’ll just watch the crime shows and I must call BMary as we didnt talk last night. Nothing else. I did and do miss you ,this is another example of why ,but you couldn’t do what these two girls did in 2 hours & 45 minutes.Im going to have them come biweekly. Today Alyssa turned 22,can you believe it!Im ready to send her a gift and text. That’s about it for know. Miss you

It’s July 11 th,2024 and it’s 7:38 pm.Another rough day,but this is for Virg.She’ll know. I don’t have to tell you but I will.I specifically stated I wouldn’t be available on the 12 th.Rather than waste a lot of time and energy,let me make it clear.In case ( it will) I pass.Please no newspaper or internet announcements.No need to spend 1000’s on any kind of celebration,as I thought if no  one talked to me the past 10 years,well,don’t talk to me then! Not a lot of attention ( for once) simply turn on the oven ( no! Not mine) and let it be.No flowers,just consider my knickknacks before disposing of them. There’s really not much to do,gratefully. I did indeed talk to Virg on the phone 7/10& 11 regarding this. And Jax will be joining me. Virg is very upset! No not me,the dog.I think the weight loss,muscle loss and no appetite have sped things up for me.Im not afraid,but not jumping for joy.I wanted to get to Lake George,guess that won’t happen,but I have a lot to be grateful for. Lifelong friends ( Nancy & Stef), a fantastic daughter ,married to a “ hot” fireman and two grandchildren that mean the world to me.Both successful,educated,healthy and happy. I’ve been with the same guy for almost 52 years! My hands and feet seem numb( peripheral neuropathy,decrease in urine output,pain on the right side of the abdomen,other than that I’m fine( your suppose to laugh) Great doctors ,Mark Kozicky,Fiorentino and the. nurses that dealt with me these past 3 hospital stays.Debbie Miele,my friend for about 30 plus years. BMary who calls me every night just to check.DCatherine,although she’s in Florida now prior to her move we were coffee buddies and of course Betsy B2 who actually went to CVS and got my prescriptions,about 7 of them.Im sure if I thought clearer and my memory better ,I could recall a few regrets I’ve had,but doesn’t matter now,does it. I’m going to stop here but I’ll be back tomorrow ( writing I think) miss you ,handsome devil!Oh and Adeline Rollover .my companion

It’s May 21 st ,2024. Alyssa graduated ,Joe went to Brazil and Columbia.BJ is doing okay ,Jim made lieutenant,your sister is fine.Got a new puppy ,Remi.looks like a Jack Russell.Still not one word from anyone ( family) I have only been out once in the last 4 months.Its quiet.Im trying to keep my weight at 112.This last stay in the hospital was actually pleasant.I was on the 8 th floor! The staff was great.I got them a gift for nurses appreciation week.The isolation and quietness,I’m getting use to .I miss you still,as much as that day,maybe more. I’ll be back.

Well.its now 2024,January 1st,and its 12:15 am.Absolutely nothing happened to celebrate.I myself ,still very sick ,so still not going out.Its been 10 months.It feels like everything just stopped on October 12,2012 at 10:53 am.At least for me it did.The beginning of hell.Someone called APS and you and I were accused of mistreating Aunt Bud.We took her to have her hair done a week before and then Itook her to the podiatrist.As you know no one has spoken to me in what?12 years and I don’t know why.Idont hear from your older cousins,thier kids and yes even their kids!I haven’t been to vineyard in years ,a majority of things got left there,RuthieDee somehow became the sole beneficiary to Aunt Buds,life insurance,pension,stocks,bonds and more.I never told her you died.She would call for you for .I think it’s time to end the journal ,I’ve been hospitalized twice,I’m a dnr,and the prognosis is poor.Everyone is okay,Jim,Joe,Alyssa Kristen and Jimmy. I still dream about you ,miss you ,and relive that morning way too much,and in detail.So,this is goodbye ,again.Ihope those that went before us are there ,although there’s a few I’d rather not see! I’m ready for you tonight,should you care to stop by.OH. Christmas,cancelled.

Jim,it’s another one of my favorite days coming up,Halloween!This year I won’t be doing anything.It’s 11:25 pm,Sunday. night ,October 29,2023.I have to call Fiorentino tomorrow.The headaches and right sided ( back) is really hurting.Alyssa scored 6 out of 7 goals  her team won last game of the season,now she goes into LaCrosse.Oh,Virg got a new pet,a dog,remember Harley had to be put down.This dog is named  Bella and she is cuteIll send a picture.I still haven’t gone out! It’s not just all the stairs. it’s the oxygen and shortness of breath. It seems NYSIF prefers not to take care of anything ,although in writing I have their contract/ promise.I think I have to cut this short.I’m really uncomfortable,even with the heating pad on,I’ll try and get back to you tomorrow.Sorry,miss you ,mommy

Hey! Something’s wrong.it’s Wednesday October 25,2023. I was up a lot last night ,until 5:45 am this morning.It’s worse,the silence.I have Ted peed yet it’s 11:53 am.I just put in the food order ,you wouldn’t believe the prices.I have to call Dr.Kozicky,my left hand feels numb and my face on the bottom.I will lay on the couch as the bedroom is occupied and I’m not welcome.Childish,selfish behavior.I am getting out today if it kills me ( probably wish you were here times like this ,although you can annoy me too.Icant help it ,this is bizarre,I am going out after BJ goes out tonight.I’ll get ready after dinner.This is a different feeling,like low Voltage shocks going through me,it tickles!I truly am done! This situation isn’t right at all,it’s cruel.I had a cup of tea ,8 oz and 3 8 oz bottles of water,but I have to eat something ,now.This is the day,or the beginning of the end of a day,I can’t tell.I am going to put my head down on the couch for awhile.Hopefully I’ll feel bettter.I’m trying,but it’s getting harder,I assume you went quickly,that’s not happening with me. Love you ,miss you ,handsome devil ❤️🍀🐇

It’s 12:27 am meaning it’s Tuesday.October 17,2023.I just want to bring you up to date.Your niece scored not 10 ,but 11 goals and was named athlete of the month again.S he was up a touch bunch of girls too.Joe,works almost constantly.but he’s happy.Saving for the trip to Ireland and Italy with Nate,Jim,his sister ,and your sister.I’ve been very low profile.I haven’t been out in about 6 weeks,but I’m getting use to it.BJ ,finally completed his dental work and he looks great,he exercises on the bike for about 10 miles a day and still goes out every night to meet with Timmy Spaun  and Tuesday is Tommy Goff.I haven’t seen Vicky in a while.I never see Marybut talk on the phone almost every night,CVS,once again sent notification about the medication,we’ll see.I lost about 6 pounds and so much hair!AS of last Wednesday Dr.Mark Kozicky wants me in the hospital.ITS o quiet here except for the oxygen tank.Istill talk to a few people ,Danielle Salinger from Ca’lifornia,and Susan Brenner ,I tried tonight to get something done ,but didn’t and heard about it .Iman will call me tomorrow,Ineed to tell her how “ down” I am.This isn’t going to get better ,resolve itself or any thing else.The best part are the hallucinations,they are funny.I miss you as well as my mom,dad,brothers and Stef and Nancy.I’ll write again soon .

It’s 4:17 pm September 30th,2023. Listen carefully.THREE OR FOUR DAYS AGO THINGS BEGAN TO HAPPEN.I LOOKED DIFFERENT.THE PUPILS IN MY EYES COVERED THE COLOR PART COMPLETELY!I WAS COLD,LIPS GOT NUMB,FEET WERE BURNING.TODAY,I AM FALLING ASLEEP!FADING IS THE WORD I USE TO DESCRIBE WHATS GOING ON WITH ME.PLEASE UNDERSTAND WHAT IM TRYING TO EXPLAIN.I TALKED WITH DR.FIORENTINO LAST WEDNESDAY HE WAS UNDERSTANDING.TODAY,THINGS ARE QUITE DIFFERENT.BJ WENT OUT LAST NIGHT AND CAME HOME AN HOUR AND A HALF AFTER HE CALLED ME.UNFORTUNATELY I DID ASK HIM WHY AND HE WAS FURIOUS. ILL WRITE THE REST IN MY BOOK.MY LEFT HAND IS ICE COLD AND OFF THE OXYGEN I DOSE ,THEN FALL ASLEEP.ALICE IN WONDERLAND  MUST HAVE FELT LIKE THIS.IM TRYING TO STAY AWAKE,SO HELP ME. I FEEL SO HIGH!I HESITATE TO WRITE HERE HOW MUCH VIRG HAS HELPE.THIS IS DIFFICULT TO SAY BUT I THINK AND FEEL LIKE IM OUTSIDE MY BODY.IM FIGHTING TO STAY AWAKE ,NO! I DIDNT TAKE ANYTHING,YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I mean.I HAVE TO TRY AND GET READY,I WANT TO TAKE A SHOWER BUT HESITATE BECAUSE OF  THIS WEIRD SENSATION.I AM A DNR AND DNI.

It’s 2:53 am,Sunday,SEPTEMBER 24 th. I FEEL LIKE IM FADING AGAIN.I SENSE YOUR PRESENCE,THE ROOM IS DARKER,IM ICE COLD.IM SCARED,BUT I HAVE TO SLEEP.ILL TALK TO IMAN ABOUT THIS AND DR,MARK KOZICKY.,I WONT HAVE A CHANCE TO SAY MORE,

Hey! It’s Wednesday,SEPTEMBER 6 th 2023 and it’s 5:39 pm. I wanted to let you know there is something strange going on with me.Don’t even say it! Listen,3 nights ag I felt like I was fading.Again today. I’m on the oxygen,trying to take waters ( 4 8oz. ones so far today) My BP is high .Like 159/86 ,I can feel it. I got in touch with Iman to reorder my med. Things are quiet here , but Virg had a rough week.Harley  .her Shepard. actually Jim’s had to be put down a spinal thing. Jax is hanging in there and the cat Diablo goes to the emergency room every month,like you did!Ihave doctor Kozicky on the 18 th,Virg is taking me. Igot another offer for 92 .Not holding my breath( I can’t really) I’m sure my heath is deteriorating. NO falls at all,but output is low . I wanted to put in writing something for Virg, I also got in touch with a girl that will sell my things . The Vickster hasn’t been by,she getting the boys ready to go back to school tomorrow, Ihavent really done physical therapy,like I should.Quite honestly,Idont feel good at all. No energy and haven’t been out in weeks and the weather is high nineties ! BJis doing okay but still having dental issues.I’m still in bed,it’s almost 6 pm.Iate already and can lay down awhile.I’ll try to write more often.Miss you 


gs  are quiet here




149/

Hey! It’s 12:01 am.meaning it’s Wednesday,August 23 rd,2023. I wrote the other day and detailed the recorded calls I made to CVS Caremark and spoke to Dina and Cheryl. They never got back to me.your godfather and uncle .Eddie,your father’s older brother died on the 17 th.Ifound out when I got a phone call from his son Patrick.Its been about 45 years since they talked.I stayed neutral.His son Patrick was very nice,I’m going to all him this week. I found out Eddie’s wife died a couple of years ago.He also had a daughter,Ihave their baby pictures. Sad. I hope on the 31st,Dr.Fiorentino talks openly to your sister and I about plans. If any .for me. I know I can’t be alone in the apartment.Listen ,Eddie died from kidney failure! Ihave a lot to do this next week and half.I really want to sell my murano glass,Waterford crystal and china ( 2 sets.) If I knew someone German Iwould give the set to them.They stopped making them in the 1930.s. Anyway ,I Ordered all new vitamins,lions mane and sea moss. I’ll try anything ! Way too much food ordered,Igave the Vickster some to bring home.Vegtables ,English muffins,juice and other items. I gave her the thing to make smoothies .,she really liked that. Ihave Sean’s birthday this month. Not sure what I’ll get him.I also need to contact Dignity Memorial in regard to this journal being made into a book,hard copy.The weather has been nice,but I haven’t gone out.Maybe Friday I will. Joe is doing great,Alyssa returned to college and Jim is doing okay. I have to fix BJ.s teeth! I wanted to say more ,but I’m tired .I’ll catch you tomorrow,ok? Handsome devil!

Today,July 26 th,2023 ,is my birthday. It was quiet all day.Í with the hjá,occupational therapist and bót my Priscription. BJ gave me a card ,A.lusas,JOE,AND Jim texted me. VERY DIFFERENT FROM THE BIRTHDAY PARTIES WE HAD YEARS AGO. SOME OF MY FAVORITES WERE Amanda’s picture on the cake saying still smiling,she was about 20 but the picture she was 1 or 2. Who could forget SHARONS BUNNY/ rabbit cakes.YEARS AGO THEY MADE ME ONE AND I WAS PUSHING A WHEEL CHAIR.AUNT BUDDYS 65 th ,I GAVE HER AT 100, it was like a casino.I do remember uncle Albert at your birthdays with carol.And let’s not forget Nanny,her 72 nd,I threw her in the yard at  100. The fish hanging from the tree,playing catch the egg. Aunt EILLEN WAS THERE.MRS.SEMIRAI AND OTHERS.I DONT KNOW WHY I EVEN THINK ABOUT THOSE THINGS FROM YEARS AGO.MAYBE THEN IT  MATTERED AND MEANT SOMETHING TO ALLOF US.I STILL HAVE A FEW PICTURES,BUT THATS ALL. I DONT KNOW WHERE MANY ARE,SAD.




Hi! It’s July 17 th,2023 and I MADE IT!Ill try to bring you up to date .I assume your aware of my health issues.ONCE again, NYSIF, HAS REFUSED! Yes,refused! To pay or reimburse me for all my medical bills.Excuse this spelling and grammar. It’s a brand new I PAD. Things are exactly the same as years ago.I haven’t been out much,actually only 3 times since May. VIRG is doing everything for me. She wheels me in a wheelchair! You would be doing wheelies ( Sic). But get this! the medication is 10,089$ for 28 days. I need it for 90. I still talk to Paul ( the captain) Kaplan as well as Imán.DRS. are the same,FIORENTINO,KOZICKY,LAFRAUNA , Bomback and the NYC hospitals. I’m tired already. I didn’t sleep well last night. But you know that! No sense telling you Numbers etc. Still stage 4. Use o2 several times a day. Only on 5 meds,from almost 20!, Again,sorry about this entry. I’m hoping to pack up a lot of things. I’m still at a loss as what to do with all of them.Virg certainly doesn’t want them.I miss you ! 

It’s Sunday,June18 th,2023 and it’s 4:54 pm. I haven’t been out in 3 months.Only to the doctor via wheelchair.aJoe came up and stayed with me for 4 days ,it was great! Him and Poppy stayed up to past 3:30 am.Your sister has been amazing! Although they lost all my tubes of blood,we had them repeated. Went to see Dr.Fiorentino,your sister and I. I’m up to 120 pounds,but no appetite ,really weak.A visiting nurse is going to start coming.I’m only taking 5 meds a day vs.41!I told you I fell again ,twice! The Monday after getting home and then outside the building, On the grassy loll. I’m thinking of applying for a pet. You know as a companion. I rarely speak. Catherine moved ,as did Mary.Michelle died and Sr.Pat.Never heard from Kathy Uber . I do wonder why she just stopped talking to me.I’m concerned as the viral load in my blood ( liver) is 280000! Not good.I never thought I could be this non talkative for so long.I don’t see anyone ,except your sister. I do miss you. I think of you often.But I’ll never see your smile or hear your laugh.And most of all how you’d call to me ,Ma,Ma,Ma

I know,this ,would surprise you .it’s been a while. It’s Tuesday night at 11:25 pm.May 9,2023. I wasn’t going to tell you ,but I feel I should. As you well k ow ,I was diagnosed with kidney failure, a rare kind. Your sister has been by my side these past few weeks. Being in the nursing home,needing oxygen, a walker and a home heath aide, is a nice ghtmare. I took a bad fall earlier,doing something really stupid. The mini blind broke and I not thinking ,put the small .3 foot ladder. Attempting to repair it. Well .that was a major mistake! I fell off the ladder ,knocked over a kitchen.  chair and landed on the floor. I had to just lay there,I couldn’t get up,it reminded me of multiple sclerosis. I used one shelf and a handle on a cabinet and finally got up. It was so difficult and my phone was out of reach Shortly thereafter.  the pain started. The .left side of my pelvis and lower back. I’m not dealing well with this. I’m scared ,have reconnected with Paul ( the Captain) Kaplan. Today I went ,or was taken by your sister for an ultrasound of abdomen ,this was before the fall. I don’t like the thoughts I’m having,I haven’t been out in over a month,except for appointments . I did meet with Maybe Manny also. I can’t picture myself being taken care of! I am seriously thinking I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I miss you ‘,I really miss Barbara,Sha Sha, all the kids and of course the Rosemiester. I’m going to start thinking positive ,but I can’t promise ( there’s that word again) that I’ll definitely do it. I think again, that this journal should end ,but not sad. I can’t even get angry,that’s how weak I am’ Maybe yu could come by tonight,if not ,that’s okay.Love You ,Mommy

It’s 8:10 pm. Sag’ night’ I’m still on strict orders like not getting out of bed.measuring all fluid intake and out put’ No salt .special diet’’ On heparin still. The staff is great! They are not use to my pranks. I spoke to the Vickster earlier and Joe’ He’s coming up to stay with us for maybe a week.I hope. BJ came up about 7 17:pm but left before 8pm.because his blindness got worse.quickly and he was tripping and bumping into things! I was a wreck! I spoke to Mary any times .she worries about me and I told Catherine this phone don’t hold a charge but will call her when I can. I’m still in a private room. BJ brought up my iPad .charger and lottery tickets to give to the staff’ Dinner was okay.but lunch was good. The repitory therapist is so nice .has a sense of humor and awesome tattoos. Jenelle. I am going to go back to watching my court shows’ I’m actually tired already’ : as usual. So,I’ll touch base to morrow. Hope to get some test results soon. Love You 

Guess where I am. In the hospital. I was in the ER from 8:30 pm until 5:30 this morning’ , Sat. April.  15 th. I was transferred to room 429. Apparently I have the flu; and and SOB. I’m in a private room, no visitors. Iv’s inserted and running. On oxygen via NC; got a shot oh heparin   prevents clots and get nebulizer treatments . On BP meds;talked  to a few drs. about the DNR. Repeat blood work showed GFR down to 17. BUN high 40’s. Virg is in Utica with Jim for   Alyssa’s games. Big Jimmy I called earlier, he’s fine. Don’t know exactly what their plans are. They agreed the muscles wasting away could be expected, I’m going to have some lunch and lay down. I hope to sleep tonight. Miss you 

Once again,I’m back. 2023 and it’s 2:18 pm. I just spoke to your sister. Yesterday while shopping in a thrift store ,Ifell! It felt like someone kicked me in the right kidney. Luckily ,a man I spoke to briefly ,saw me ,helped me up and got a chair.You know me,I was still shopping using the. Chair to balance .Well thesomanwho runs everything. got me a walker!She would t     evenlet me pay for it. The.Vickster  was told.  
By the same man I had fallen Icalled Debbie Mielks right away I told her what happened ,she said it was due to my, liver,no producing enough to keep muscles strong.The shortness of breath has worsened.I think it’s time to talkto Dr.Fiorentino again. I’m scared. I’ve seen people with the same thing die I don’t want to be in pain
I have a few options. I still want to know why 15 years and 4 GI doctors never initiated the  m education.At first it was just like chemo so I hesitated. Then. my. 
friends told me about newer.less toxic drugs. The med cost 90000$ no kidding. NYSIF wouldn’t pay and Medicare wouldn’t pay.Iam putting together a. Ietter and important documents for Kristen. She is my rock. I’m going to go now,maybe I’ll be back later. I will send you my St.PatricksDay sign,   Love you ,miss you 






education


Fiory


Fiory

































It’s 13:04 am Thu stay Feb.3 rd.Oh how wish you were here! BJtellngme the usual,says there’s.nothing wrong with me.I have to talk to your sister.

I had no intention of continuing this journal,but I feel I need to explain. It’s 12:14 am,Monday,February 20th,2023. Latest bloodwork results were poor. Again another UTI infection. ( ? Covid)  I ,as you know ,went to every doctor ,researcher,hospital and more. I joined foundations ,wrote to pharmaceutical companies and got a patient advocate, Unfortunately nothing has gotten any results ,other than my Creat.is 3.4 and my GFR is 20%. I wrote to Senator Andrea Stewart Cousins again. But NYSIF needs to be looked into. Although originally I was partial permanent ,now I’m totally permanently unable to work. As you also know,I’ve been estranged from family. For 10 years! Except Margarit Engel. ( sic) Anyway,I’m thinking ,what if,just a hypothesis,if someone’s brother or sister actually got the med I need ,  but refused to take it, Could I? Palliative care has been discussed. Dr.Fiorentino and I have a great relationship,lasting over 45 years. You know what? I can’t do this,write anymore,I’m sorry. Knowing your there is the only consolation I have. Miss you 








It’s 2:21 am,Jan.14th2022 and I’m still awake.BJ just got home. I think it’s time to end this . Nothing changed in the past few years. Maybe less laughter and lots more tears. I no longer wonder how everyone is , or where they are ,most of them aren’t very far. Once again I was denied by NYSIF ,yes,I cried. I haven’t been out ,but I’ll tell you why. Catherine’s is in Florida,Mary doesn’t walk this far and the only people I actually see are the ones in the bar. I don’t hear much from Vicky and Im afraid that’s how it will remain.There’s no sense arguing who is to blame. I need to find Paul Kaplan ,my good friend,that’s a relationship I don’t want to end.I think I’ve come to terms with the way things will go, I need not tell you as you already know. Please don’t be mad or even sad in the end it won’t be so bad. I still go back in my mind to that day. Never thinking ,even now that I could have done more. Again I’m sorry and you know why. I’m responsible for the way things ended, At least part of it anyway. I hope you forgive me and understand he reasons why; but never ,ever did I think that you would actually die.I kissed your head and closed your eyes. I folded the blankets on your bed. I held you tight ,just once more and then I left . But the image of you actually followed me each day, and even into my dreams , no one sees me crying ,no one hears my screams. I enjoyed writing to you ,what? About 10 years? But I can’t do it anymore, there’s nothing more to say. If I could I’d hug you and never let you go, But it’s too late for that to happen,so these words will have to do. Remember that I loved you maybe in the wrong way. I want to believe you saw me that morning ,your blue gray eyes looking at me ,no words were spoken between us ,so I pray , you’ll forgive me for what happened that day. ❤️🐿🐇

I don’t have much to tell you. It’s Dec.29th,2022 and it’s 5:40 pm. Christmas ,you could hear a pin drop! BJ didn’t even say “ Merry Christmas” he read all afternoon and then went out. No other company. I was at CVS for 4 hours yesterday trying to get my meds refilled. By 8 pm,I took what was ready and checked out.I wasn’t feeling well at all. I felt like everything was fading away. Even outside, I felt weak. A total stranger ,a girl, saw me and asked if I needed a ride home. Yes,I took the ride. Her name was Rochelle ,she had me home in no time.Today I feel worse. It looks and feels like I’m congested.I’m coughing up yellow/ green phlegm. I also want to let you know I’m ending this journal, Therefore I won’t be writing to you anymore. Once again no return call from Dan Servino. Also no word from NYSIF. The foundation is closed until 1/3/23. Beth ,my assigned advocate texts me frequently. I will talk to Iman on the 10th. I really need to talk to Paul Kaplan. Now understand this; NYSIF is suppose to cover my medical costs,they never even paid for 1 prescription, Yesterday’s alone was close to 200$. I think it’s close. I’m laughing and crying at the same time. Ever since Rotten Ronnie made those remarks I no longer see Vicky. My Christmas pajamas and the other gifts for people I just packed away. I took down all the decorations. So ,there you have it. 

Small,  it cute. Notice the 2 stockings ,1 marked A ,the other N. I think I went overboard with red bows! On the dining room chairs,every door,on the clocks and between the curtains.





Well, it’s Christmas Eve! Dec.24 th,2022 and its2:53 am. Unfortunately Aunt Joyce died 2 days ago,so we attended the wake. I was actually okay being there in the same room. It’s been quiet.
 hear or see The Vickster much.After talking to Dr.Fiorentino,I ordered myself new pajamas and underwear and slippers thinking as I promised him,I’d go to the hospital today.Obviously I didn’t. Went to BMarys Thursday night and had a nice time.Her sister Eileen and brother Tommy are so nice.DCatherine came too.She seems to be better,getting stronger.I mustsend athank you card to her sister Suzanne in Florida for sending me a home ge gift from Swiss Colony. No lans for tomorrow or Sunday. I had to get a few meds reordered. Spoke to Betsy B2 yesterday evening. Anyway ,things are the same.It was good to see all the cousins,the Spauns. I wrote to the governor in re: to NYSIF and found the letter confirmed no my medical coverage was indeed promised. I am going to bed,hope I sleep. Missing you 

It’s.Monday,Dec.19 th.2022 and it’s 10:53 pm. I wrote twice earlier but may have said things. Well the past week has been chaotic Ito.d you,Joe is in Miami , right,Jim,Alyssa was 
 in Florida.Kathy Courage called me. It’s quiet.I won’t even start about spiral ham,macaroni salad ,bunny shaped cakes.People ,laughter,game night and sitting out. As I told you ,my muscles are so weak.Betsy B2 talked againtome,The Vickster came by,sent Troy up and I have to call Paul( the captain) Kaplan.I told Dr.Fiorentino about the muscle weakness,getting an advocate,Beth and a response from Epclusa. Betsy B2 will down load it . I have to give away these silly bags I made. I decorate a plain shopping bag with a design. Now a days you have to pay for them and a lot of people struggle carrying thiergroceries.Still can’t find Tattoo Dave.I’m still writing out cards for Christmas When you were born ,your father got me a 1 carrot diamond ring.Virg and I discussed it. Imagine,it’s 40 years old! I have to believe your content,happy,feel accepted ,and miss me. I’m going to BMarys Wed,Evening. Haven’t seen her in ages. Her sister ,Sr,Eileen is so nice.I slept on the couch last night. The heating pad does help the pain from my kidneys. I do take Tylenol also. I will call Debbie Miele about the creat.of3.2 and bun of 38 as well as the dropping things.I have to get ready for Friday, It’s time for me to get evaluated thoroughly. I hope I can sleep tonight. I going to watch a movie,have my night tea and relax. Not dwell on anything or anyone.❤️🐿🐇🎄
Q

Its4:46 am,Sat., Dec.17 th,2022. I can’t sleep. I have a lot to tell you ,but it’s way too much The past week has been anything but festive. Now,I’m the one saying “ don’t let things bother you “, and am working hard to leave the past behind Even as of right now. Everyone is doing okay. Joe is in Miami,Alyssa going to Florida, Virg and Jim have traveled several times to Utica and Saratoga Springs.Mary is doing fine,Catherineis also and her sister sent me a huge box of Swiss Colony cheeses,meats and candy. I have to write out my cards later today. I sawBetsy B2 yesterday and texted her to call me tomorrow. ❤️🐿🙏🏻🐇🎄♈️🐵🥔 🪅🛍🎀🎁


i



ItsDecember 11 th,2022 and it’s 2:28 am. I went out yesterday,first time in a week.Haven’t heard from The Vickster, Virg and the whole family,includingNates went to Florida.It’s been quiet here. I did however receive a phone call ,on the hose phone about2 weeks ago.Now get this,it said NYS WC. The personRobert advised me immediately to stop e mailing,calling or texting in regards to my case! I’m furious.DCatherine was hospitalized ,she fell. She’s okay .I still talk to BMary every night.BJ unfortunately is still having major issues with the oral surgeon and dentist.I’ve not heard from any pharmaceutical companies.My bloodwork results from a month ago were terrible.BUN was 34 and  r. was 3.2. No plans for the holiday. I decorated a little bit. I am so glad Virg talked directly to Dr.Fiorentino. I know he can’t do anything,but I’ll need him if my condition gets worse. I’ll talk more tomorrow,as BJ just got home ( 2:40am) I’m going to try to sleep.Iseem to be missing you oreand more as Christmas approaches.If possible send me a gift. 🎄

Hey! It’s 3:43 am, and I’m up eating pineapple and cottage cheese. ItsalreadyFriday,November 11, 2022. I’ve had a lot on my mind as you well know. Your birthday, your fathers birthday and it’s our 50 th wedding anniversary! Can you believe it? I can’t. He got me a necklace ,sterling silver or white gold with a diamonds in the middle. Beautiful. Also ,gratefully ,Virgil’s going with me to see Dr.Fiorentino. As    You know,I want to stop most of the 17 pills I take a day. There is no clinical trial for what I have. My blood work is so out of range foe even medication. I’ve only recently started having bone pain, bruise easily and my lower back ,all across is painful.Dr. Mark Kozicky is worried about a fungus infection Imay have. My big toe is black!
 I’ve written Sen.Andrea Stewart Cousins,NYSIF,PAN ,a foundation and filled out forms for Gilda’s the pharmaceutical co. Paul ( TheCaptain) left the JCC to take another job. I am devastated. I want to continue talking to him,it’s been 2 year sand we get along great. He has helped me think clearer,manage my social life and reach goals.Jim, Fibrillaryglomularnephritis is a wicked and rare disease.Oh! Robert Butler texted me out of the blue ,just today he loves me. Of course I cried and responded.Next the issue of 92 has come up.I’ve actually printed in this very journal,AuntBuddys last will and testament. Apparently Ruthie Dee got it all,but! Mr.Faruto,Aunt Buds lawyer doesn’t have a copy even! I never would have messed with 102. Barbara could have stayed there rent free as she had the last 25 years. Aunt Buddy worked 50 years for Phillips Electronics. She saved,boughtbonds,had a pension and a life insurance. Wonder where that went. Nothing matters anymore, Idont even care anymore if I ever find out why Barbara,Sharon all the kids,even cousins ,except Margaret Engel stopped talking to me.Oh,and her mom Kate. I’m going to go to bed and sleep hopefully. Miss you ,love you ,mommy❤️🐿🐇

10years ago today: 10/21/2012 at 10:53 am,Sunday.I closed your eyes,and kissed your head. I sat for awhile on the bed.I held you tight,just once more, I took some things that were on the floor.I went down the stairs and out the door; but turned to see your father carrying your lifeless body to a van. That’s when I ran. I’m still running from that dreadful day.In my mind it will always stay. The family once close never spoke to me again,I wonder why until this day, I’m still running the other way.Miss you with.every cell in my body. My mind stores away the good times ,my heart tries to hide the bad. I will forever be sad. /      Hope you are at peace,happy, having a good time , know how much I miss you ❤️🐇🐿☘️🦴🥀⚜️🎚

I wrote earlier yesterday,but it didn’t go through. It’s now Tuesday,October 18 th,2022 and it’s 1:53 am.I can’t sleep. I had been sick the past weekend,thought it was the flu. Turns out it’s Covid! Dr.Fiorentino greatly concerned.A med is being put together that is safe for people with kidney failure,so he order that. I’m staying away from BJ. I told Betsy B2 ,BMary, DCatherine, Virg,Alyssa,Joe and Robert the superintendent. I feel lousy. I never thought I would ever
 get Covid,I even bragged about not ever getting it. More important is the “ Foundation” can not help me with the other meds. Another issue,get this: my BP is 107/73! My output has dropped drastically even though I take the water pill every day. I knew this week was going to be difficult,but because of 10/21. I feel the anger,anxiety and   Restlessness. Although it may be 10 years,to me it seems like 10 minutes ago. I want to go to the cemetery,that’s one place I don’t think I have to worry about spreading Covid! I’m going to bed ,I have to sleep. I’ll touch base again later. Missing you ; but remembering you 

It’s Thursday morning, and it’s 9:57 am,October 6 th,2022. Things remain about the same. BJ is still going to the dentist weekly. I’ve been watching Alyssa play both La Crosse and Field Hockey. She is amazing. Joe finally got home from Norway. There were severe hurricanes ripping through Florida. He had to get to NY first ,stay in a hotel,and then get a flight to Florida. I’ve seen Dr.Fiorentino a few weeks ago,and inadvertently smashed all of the glass canniisters ,that have cotton balls and other items,smashed to pieces. I was mortified. I apologized many times and intend to send him a card. On the other hand,NYSIF reneged on their promise to pay for the med ,Dr.S.Frager was going to get me. I called Mr.Carter,who runs things for the Dr. to ask him if he could try to get NYSIF to comply with our agreement. I know I’ve gotten worse,but I just ignore the symptoms. I really miss you . Especially now having to go alone to the hospitals,Columbia Presbyterian; Einstein; Montifiore and the place in Tarrytown ( research center) . But this month for some reason or reasons brings me down and shatters my soul. You on the 21 st, my brother Billy,the 13 th,my father the 3 rd and  I think my brother Butch also. Since school started I rarely see The Vickster. I still talk to B Mary every night. I don’t go out much,DCatherine is working 4 days a week and Ali is back from a long hospital stay so that’s good. Next month your father and I will be married 50 years . I’ll go to the cemetery this week. Maybe even have coffee there.Loved you 

It’s been awhile ,I know. It’s already Sept.10 th,2022 and it’s 3:07 am,Saturday. Once again I’ve been denied treatment for kidney failure. Your father unfortunately took a real bad walk into a wall, ( he’s legally blind) and now has to have a dentist,an oral surgeon,be sedated,on antibiotics and stitched ,his entire top of his mouth. He’s lost easily 40 pounds or more ,as he can’t eat much. I think of him getting an infection. I’m very worried about him. We joke about our 50 year wedding anniversary,which is only 2 months away. I’m awaiting the most recent blood and urine results. I sent Bobby and Joan a brief message after Marion died. I wasn’t told and found out weeks later. I have got to end this journal. I like to look back at the pictures,sayings and quotes. I don’t think I left anyone out. Tomorrow my brother Butch would be dead since 1976. I saw a few pictures of Sha Sha’S granddaughters but don’t know their ages or names. My niece Sarah Barnaby is quite I’ll I was told. I heard from Stan Kelly,one of my closest friends ,but it wasn’t good. He’s very sick. He drove fromScotia NY to attend your service.I haven’t told BJ either that he’s so sick.Your niece is doing great ,as is Joe. Jax however has cancer. Virg is really upset. I wonder if Nola, and the white deaf dog are still alive. I remember and laugh when I think about Vinncents the Chin,Sha Sha’S chinchilla. Oh, and Tex,he was the best.Lots of birthdays this month,Virg,Vicky,DCatherine and Barbara Robinson. I’m trying to stay positive,although the outlook isn’t good.Imgoing to put my brother Bobby’s headstone in the cemetery. A statue of your dog Kip and Aunt Buddy’s cat Tine will also be put there. Marvin Oakley said after 10 years the police will give me the entire report and pictures of that day.10/21/12 at 10:53 am, Sunday morning. 

Today is August 10 th,2022 ,it’s my moms birthday. Tomorrow morning I go to the hospital to see Dr.Frager ,the head of the liver transplant team, He was to put together a medication, based on my diagnosis,that will hopefully prevent at least for a while,any further damage to my kidneys/liver. I’m scared. I am going alone. Alfredo will take me though. This is a time I miss you the most. Remember when your father was in the NY hospitals and we would go see him, and stay in a nearby hotel? Dr.Fiorentino did not break up with me! He’s encouraging me to take the tx. The Vickster helped me immensely today. She came by we took a ride and talked. I was able to calm down. I went into the bar earlier ,twice. Everyone is so friendly to me. Wanted me to stay ,I drink only water don’t forget. Joe,is once again out of the country. I’ll get ready tonight for tomorrow’s appointment. If this doesn’t help,I’m stopping everything. Well,not every med. I have a lot to think about. The plus of all of this is I haven’t ordered anything online,but will right now. I’m angry at you. I love you ,but your death has damaged me so much. Yes,I’ll go to the cemetery tomorrow. I won’t stay long. I’m fighting back the tears because I’m not handling this ESRD very well. It’s the not being able to breathe that’s the worst!My hair continues to break and fall out. I never colored it. Iman has ordered the meds I need. I’ll go to CVS and get them. I’m going to shave BJ’S hair off,it’s too hot. I may even shave mine off! I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes.  

It’s been a rough week. It’s 1:42 am,Sunday,August 7 th,2022. BJ ,I think has s/ s of Covid,again! I’m trying to keep busy,doing things I rarely do,like cleaning the tiles in the bathroom. I just had 2 pieces of pound cake and a lot of lemonade. Still undecided about the “ family tree” snow globe/ music box. I was surprised,BJ made dinner yesterday. Homemade sauce and macaroni. It was good. John Viviano gave BJ 3 huge cucumbers,but they are yellow,and about 50 cherry tomatoes. I actually tried and enjoyed the lettuce BJ got ,with Italian dressing . I talked to BMary last night. I always try to make her laugh. I’ve never failed so far. I need to mention not sleeping to the dr. Oh,BJ made breakfast yesterday morning,egg on toast. It was really good.BJ has also lost about 10 pounds. Well,I’m going to try to go to sleep. It’s 1:53 am,now. Miss you ,hope I can get the picture I made to you .

It’s 6:50 am,August 6 th,2022. I can’t sleep. There are a few birthdays in August. My mom is the 10th,and my nieces also in August. Not a good week. Haven’t felt well at all. Virg is away ,up in Utica,The Vickster is also away with the boys. I talk to BMary every night. I haven’t been out,but would like to go out Sunday. Still no reply from drs. Re: clinical trial or med. Monday I must talk to Dr.Mark Kozicky and Dr.TC Fiorentino. I’m also hoping that Samantha will come by. I’m just tired. Still wish I could get to Lake George. BJ remains the same. Refuses to believe the doctors opinions. I have to call Debbie Mielke. I have to mention Donny the painter. Haven’t seen Bill Pink again. Actually I haven’t seen Lucky Lenny either. Tony Coins I see about once a week. Not sure if Robert the Super is back. CVS messed up my prescriptions! Gave me 60 instead of 90 Hydroxine and Fluoxetine was 20 mg. Suppose to be 40. The staff changes so frequently. There was a time I knew everyone on a first name basis. I actually like CVS,I only hope they can get the staff they need, In the pharmacy,the guy who yelled at me is no longer there. Tamara,is wonderful,she’s the pharmacist. Greta,Joanne and Mina ( ?) as well as Peter,Jeanette, and the rest are always nice,patient and professional. I unfortunately threw up twice yesterday . Sipping ginger ale ,as coke,food and meds I can’t tolerate. The heat is about 98 every day. I could go to the cemetery Sunday and put flowers or something on the gravesites of Kathy,Kelly, MaryJane, and of course you,Aunt Buddy and Uncle Ronnie. Still undecided as to what and how I’m going to move my brothers stone from under the bed! I actually feel better. I think writing in this journal ,to you,really eases my mind. Also,a treasure of pictures.places and things. I want to get it made into an actual book. I have to ,and soon. Dignity Memorial Corporation will be thrilled I’m sure. Thanks for listening (?) ,I’m going to head in. Missing you 

I’m back. It’s 5 am,Tuesday,August 2nd,2022. I still haven’t urinated! I drank 2 more waters. The pain is a lot better in my lower back. BJ had been sleeping since about 1 am,but woke up. He insisted I come into bed and relax. I also took a diuretic,prescribed,it’s suppose to make you urinate. BJ asked if I wanted to go to the hospital when he realized how many hours passed. Today,later,I’m going to relax all day.I will tell you also, I had such a craving for a cigarette! Remember I quit last October. I’ll talk to Dr.Kozicky just to let him know. I am also a bit upset because Ginny the Great is no longer with Dr.Fiorentino,she retired. And he’s up in Maine. According to the scale,I’m 9 pounds heavier than I was ,which was always 121/ 126. I won’t have my phone on the rest of the day. It’s suppose to be in the 90’s ,so I won’t go out. I also noticed that I’m so itchy,all over. Yes,I have a pill for that too. I thinkIm taking 22 pills a day and now an additional 3 ,the pain med. My fear is that I may soon need help as I get so short of breath easily. Yet,I also have an inhaler. I don’t know Jim. I’ve always asked what was worse,a sudden unexpected death or a chronic illness with a poor prognosis. It’s the unpredictable part that I dislike. I’ll call Debbie Mielke later today and of course BMary. So, once again I’ll try to sleep,but I need to urinate first. My craving for ice is indicative of anemia,and I can’t tolerate the iron pills. I’m trying to stay positive,my demeanor when I go out around people is always light hearted and filled with laughter. Little do they know the real “ me”. So again I’ll say goodbye. 

Hey,it’s 12:31 am, so it’s Tuesday August 2 nd,2022.I got out yesterday,mostly at the coffee shop.I HAD MOVED SOME FURNITURE AND CLEANED THE FLOORS before your sister came down. Well my lower back began to really hurt. I called Dr.Fiorentino,and he was in Maine! Thankfully Dr.Elliot Rosche was covering .So I sent him a message to ask for something for pain,as it worsened as the day went on. I also could not urinate. That’s a problem. Actually I still haven’t ,so it’s been since 7 am yesterday. Dr.Rosche called me and couldn’t have been nicer. He even asked me if he should call Dr.Fiorentino. I said no. Well I finally got to CVS,There were 7 prescriptions for me. With Goodrx. it came to 218.00$. I shopped a little ,picked up yet another ear/ nose hair trimmer. I saw Betsy B2 and she carried the bags up. I made myself a plate of tuna,hard boiled eggs,romaine  lettuce. It was good. BJ doesn’t talk much at all,but he disregarded my issue of not being able to urinate. He actually went to bed and never said a word to me. I don’t know Jim, I know it’s time. I spoke to Trish Chase a few times and she was looking out for me,worried. Dr.Mark Kozicky must tell me what my prognosis is. My GFR is or was at 20! I still can’t consent to dialysis. Thankfully BMary listened to everything ,every night. She is such a good friend. I saw Dave Butler. This situation is difficult for me to deal with. I now drinking ice water 16 oz. But I had 1 tea,2 coffees,and a coke with lots of ice. But Samantha the girl I met online is coming to take pictures of all my things and she will take care of all the packing and shipping. Yes,I’m really getting rid of everything. It’s 1 am now and still no urge to urinate. So,let me go,I’ll drink another 16 oz water. This is getting serious. I do miss you. Stef, Bobby,Nancy,Linda,and Kathy Courage. And many others. I’ll say goodbye now . I do hope your at peace,happy, content and with the people who loved and cared for you. My mom, Aunt Bud,Uncle Albert 

Let me get right to the point. Today,Saturday,July 30 th was unreal. Your sister her husband and Alyssa came down with a birthday cake,presents and balloons,as well as lunch. BJ and Jim went out for hours ,had lunch ,stopped at a few taverns. Meanwhile ,here ,I absorbed every second of what your sister and Alyssa said. I wish I could take today,and bottle it ,so I could relive the hours of pure happiness and joy. Robert and Deb texted me a happy birthday. I’ll be honest ,I took my med early and then took another. Euphoria is the word that comes to mind.I do not want to reconcile with any of my family. I may need to make that legal some how. BJ went out again at 4 and got home at 9 pm. Talked only about us. He’s devastated,I know. Kristen is so lucky to have stayed friends with April,Bonnie ,and Michelle all these years. I may never know why my family disowned me. Was it over the Will,Aunt Buds? She left everything to me ,but my cousin Ruthie got everything ,money wise, The houses should have been mine but they protested it. I didn’t want them to leave! Kristen is aware of my health,she is so strong? Or has the ability not to show emotion. It’s 11:53 pm, BJ fell asleep in the recliner. I’m in the bedroom. I was given pictures of Alyssa,Joe,Kristen and Jim. I have one under my pillow. Jim, my heart hurts, not like chest pain,heart attack,but it’s dark, like the weight of the world is on my chest. I never shed a tear. I was so proud of myself for holding it together all those hours. I’m afraid I won’t see them again,and we forgot to take a “ family” picture. Now,I’m alone,medicated and engulfed with all good memories ,like today. Jim, treats your sister like a queen and Alyssa is his world. I remember when I felt like that with other family,years ago. My dx. is poor. I’m scared ,not of dying ,but of any pain I might endure. I can barely take a shower with being short of breath, I did write to Dr.Phil. He replied. 9 years almost that Barb,her kids,Sha ,her kids,left .


It’s already Saturday,it’s 2:46 am,I couldn’t sleep. July 30 th,2022. I haven’t been out much,maybe 1 day. Haroun got married 7/27/22. My birthday was quiet. Alyssa FaceTimed me, your sister and Jim texted and are actually coming down today about 12 noon. I’ve not heard from Joe. I went to see Betsy B2 yesterday. We talked about a lot of things,including Mike Ryan. I hung around with him when I was 16,17 or more. He helped me cope with your death.Ironic. Anyway,BJ hasn’t gone out all week. He did the kitchen floor,I did the wood floors.Once again I called Dr.Frager. As Dr.Fiorentino explained ,my GFR is 20. I have been down lately and I missed my appointment with. Iman. I mixed up the 2 dates ,7/28/22 and 8/8/22. I e mailed her and called her. I’m planning on selling most of my things. Paintings,Hummels,Waterford crystal and a few more items,like Irish vases. The Vickster is still away on vacation,I miss her. I made a cup of my night time herbal tea. I’ll sip on that and then go back to bed and try and sleep. I still have the last gift bag you gave me for my birthday ,July of 2012. Miss you 

I know it’s been awhile,let me explain. Months ago,I was hoping to get into a clinical trial.I also hoped for Dr.Frager of the liver transplant team at Columbia Presbyterian to come up with a once a week med,to stabilize my kidneys. Well,as of yesterday,July,22 nd,2022, neither happened.I went and talked to Dr.Fiorentino about it,and we agreed ,one more month of waiting,meds ,and therapy is all Ill do. Then everything stops. Except of course for depression and thyroid issues. MyGFR is down to 20. I’ve not been going out much and cancelled vacation. I’m spending most time at home,alone,listening to music and watching Dr.Phil. I already miss The Vickster ,she’s away for a few weeks for vacation.But ,Ginny the Great is retiring,this Friday .I’m really upset.We’d know each other for years and I confided in her about a lot of things. I depended on her to listen to me about everything,including your death .My personal issues and more. Today,I’m in bed,staying in bed,writing to you .BJ doesn’t want to know about Dr.Fiorentino and my decision. My hair is still falling out and I don’t care. I’ll be 68. Looking back on my life ,although I made a few poor decisions,I’m grateful for all the right ones I made.My friends since high school,getting married,having kids ,grandkids ,my pets ,my profession,my ability to overcome obstacles. To put an end to the heartache of losing family members. The care I gave to those ,not just my patients ,but to family members. Outrunning the dragon,at an early age.Being able to accept the things I couldn’t change. Most of all,being myself. 

This will be short. It’s Saturday,July 9th,2022 and it’s 11:53 pm. Went out today.DCatherine treated BMary and I to an early dinner. As time passed I could actually feel the fluid going up my legs and my shoes were now extremely uncomfortable and tight. I will do what the doctors say. I’ll go to the Bronx,Columbia Presbyterian for a 1 a week infusion of medication. I don’t know how many weeks,what it is exactly,and will I tolerate it. My GFR is down to 20. My blood pressure however is ,152/94! I had no choice I had to ask BJ for something. He did and I feel better. I have to tell you ,I met a Deacon today. She knew nothing about me! But I said I wasn’t overly religious,so she took my left hand and prayed aloud! She later told me she was at Calvary. I thought she meant the hospice place,but it’s a church on NBW. She told me to come over anytime. We sent Alyssa $ and I sent her a picture of the necklace I got her. I hope, even pray,that you can see what a beautiful,mature,caring, and smart the young lady she’s become. Jim, I must tell you ,I’m not doing well and that’s why they want to try a new med. The clinical trial for kidney failure hasn’t started. This is serious. I worry about BJ, Your sister,Jim,Alyssa,Joe.Also Mary. We’ve become very close these past 6 years or.more. All my friends in the coffee shop,except Bob Scratch. He hums constantly,isn’t nice,and just does scratch offs.I think he knows Sharon Weingartner. Anyway,I have to elevate my legs,and take my heart med. Sister Pat I worry about and Ginny,Dr.Fiorentino. Betsy B2. The Vickster, Robert and Arnovia,Barbara . ( owner) I will continue tomorrow. Miss you ,Aunt Buddy too! 

I don’t usually write twice so soon,but listen to this. About 6 am,I heard a weird screeching sound and found it was coming from the kitchen window. Well, there it was! A small sparrow smashed into the window and somehow managed to get stuck between the glass and screen. I don’t know where I got the strength,but managed to open the storm window,but he frantically thrashed around. I then opened the window wide,no screen. Guess what? He flew down the hall, into the bathroom,and then into the bedroom. BJ ,by now woke up. He saw the little bird,but the bird landed on his book! And then into his t shirt draw ( it was open about 6 inches) BJ attempted to catch him by throwing a light scarf over him( my idea) .Well he flew out and went into my closet,middle shelf, behind a box. We both knew he was exhausted. So, open the bedroom window and waited for over an hour! Nothing. Finally I took a large white very light curtain and instructed BJ to step up ,move the box,and I would catch him. Well,he flew out and I missed! BJ was furious,saying he couldn’t sleep. Then, the tiny bird flew around the room and finally out the open window. I had told BJ not to dare hurt or kill him. I even had a birdcage set up in the kitchen,just in case. Well,it’s now 7:50 am. I’m totally exhausted and out of breath. I really need to rest ,but first had to use my inhaler. I also had to clean up what the bird left. I scrubbed my hands ,confident they were clean. Right now I’m looking up the meaning of a bird smashing into your window. You know me,superstitions. I remember vividly the first week we moved in here ,a large bird smashed into the living room window. He did not survive. So I didn’t get much sleep. I’ll try again now. Later I have to get to CVS as my blood pressure was 149/94! And I had a headache. I had to take 2 Tylenol. Thankfully BJ didn’t get hurt. I’m distressed ,tearful, tired and hoping I have the energy to shower,wash my hair,put on a little makeup and go out. It’s 7/7/or 8/2022.

Ok, short and to the point.Dr.M.Kozicky discussed everything with me including care should my condition deteriorates. The Vickster and I had the most fun at Cisco and here at the house 2 nights ago. Yes,I touched the “ pen”. We laughed so much! Now Wednesday,I was instructed to call and see Dr.Frager for possible medication weekly. I’d have to go to the Bronx. I’m going to call Dr.Bomback and ask for his honest opinion of what my future looks like.More important I need to talk to Dr.Fiorentino about all these clinical trials,hepC med weekly? At this stage?I had an internal issue today with DCatherine. I’ll call it the cucumber number! Too hard to explain.I need to take a mini break from all of this. I told you about Craig ,I think I saw a picture of him. I tried to send it to you. The other upsetting issue was a remark made by Barbara R, LOL! Really? It’s already 12:05 am, So it’s Thursday and I’m going to watch a movie,have my tea and go to bed. I did have all the bloodwork and U/A done today. Also talked to The Captain. I did talk to Iman Tuesday. And still no reply from my lawyer Servino, or NYSIF. This is totally ridiculous. AndIm sick of all of it. I now know what neuropathy feels like. What next? Miss you 



Once again I woke up around 5 am,July 5 th,2022. Once again I went to the coffee shop. The other day,I met a guy,I call Billy Pink. Real nice person and had a great sense of humor.He introduced me to his wife. The holiday was uneventful for me. I did however manage to make a great dinner.I see Dr.M.Kozicky tomorrow,and I need answers! I’ve met withBMaryand DCatherine the last 2 days.BMary is a great listener,not judge mental and doesn’t try to convince me that things will get better.Haven’t seen Dave Butler in weeks$. Did decorate the corner for the 4 th,but get this; there’s a helium shortage! No kidding! Therefore no balloons! This may be my last decorating time. I wasn’t feeling good ,my feet hurt ,like they are being crushed.I took 2 Tylenol. The swelling of my ankles was bad. My urine output ( I did drink a lot)was 125 cc,s every 12 hours. I lost hope for a clinical trial. What I need to know are the results of the bloodwork Imhaving done tomorrow and to once again tell the doctors I did not refuse the med for Hep c! I have considered a legal way, to avoid Virg having to deal with the issues I’m going to face eventually. Dr.Fiorentino has to tell me, put in writing and show me a plan. Fibrillary Glomular nephritis is not treatable! There is no known cure! It’s irreversible. I will also check my liver enzymes. Won’t be surprised if they are also bad. It’s getting harder to breath. A horrible feeling! I have to rest coming up the stairs and can’t carry anything heavy. The Vickster is going to help me finish the bedroom. The wood floors will be polished,new bedding,curtains and discarding a lot of clothes,jewelery and miscellaneous items. Yes,even your things,sorry.BJ is still doing so much. Cooking, dishes,laundry, going to the store. Big help and I do appreciate it,I let him know.Well, it’s 7:03 am,Tuesday morning,I’m going to go back to bed. Your nieces birthday is the 12 th. Thier family vacation was great.
 was about 125cc’s every 12 hours. Not good at all! 

It’s the 4 th of July ,it’s 12:20 am. Sad, no invites to anything. No cookouts,fireworks,macaroni salad. No laughter ,or hearing and seeing the kids reaction to the usually impressive display. Virg called me yesterday and we talked. She try’s to take my mind off of what’s happening to me by talking about Jax,he’s going for a biopsy,he has a few lumps on him. Harley who is a beautiful Shepard, may be diabetic! The cat ,Diablo ( aptly named) is doing okay after an eye infection. Oh! People! Jim is fine,Joe turned 30! Alyssa is at the lake house. BJis doing ok, but worried about me. I saw Betsy B2 ,she’s fine her sister became a grandmother for the first time. The baby is named Samantha.I’ve been very anxious, but I see Dr.Mark Kozicky on Wednesday. As of Friday, no plans for the clinical trial. I had such a great day,I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow. For some reason, I don’t know why,but that day when I found you ,flashes through my mind,but it’s a little different each time. Will I ever know the truth about what happened? I will hope to .Ihope your safe, happy, pain free and most of all not depressed. Love you ,Handsome Devil 

I don’t usually spontaneously write to you. But yesterday was so strange. Yesterday was Sunday,it was quiet . I decided to straighten up the bedroom and when I pulled out a plastic bag that was actually stuck behind the dresser, I don’t know what happened to me. It was your plaid green shirt,collared,short sleeve ,and your favorite sweater,the one that has South Pole on it and it’s so big! I think I just froze. Then at about 1 am, today,Monday,June 13th,2022. It’s 4:42 pm now. But I was on my I pad ,about 1 am, and it made a sound and the screen changed. I’d never seen that before. It was Robert ( Bozo) Butler calling me! We talked a long time and I texted him a few pictures. 2 of his mom. He honestly thoughtI moved out of Yonkers when you died,and that’s why no one talks to me!He talked about a lot of family, things that happened that we laughed about but shouldn’t have. I’m uneasy because Virg is out of the state. That scares me. Today,BJ and I packed up 3 boxes, and 6 bags.. Robert the super who is super will get rid of them for me. It’s not even bothering me,letting go of so many things. This Wed. I see Dr.Fiorentino, talk to Paul ( the captain) Kaplan and hopefully Dr.Bomback. I am on the new meds,but the edema is getting worse. I’ll call Debbie Mielke,she always gets me through these little crisis’. Carpet will be pulled up tomorrow. My brother Bobby’s headstone, well? I could make an end table out of it. I’ll be glad when “ this” is over. I’m almost bald too! I miss you in a way I can’t describe and yet I feel your presence at times. I have to stop. Sorry, it’s all too much. Love you ,mommy
Y

Hi, it’s June 12 th,2022,and it’s Saturday morning ,11:33. Yesterday was my niece Alissa’s birthday, my brother Butchs daughter as well as Dave Butlers. It’s been quiet. I haven’t heard yet about the clinical trial. When it will start and where. As Dr.Andrew Bomback said,” the kidney disease I have is rare and there’s no cure. It was established that I did indeed get it from the needlestick when working as a nurse. You see,Mrs.MPielro had a blood transfusion in the late 60’s They didn’t check blood then. Therefore ,when the needle with her blood went through my finger ( as documented) I contracted it. BJ has been making my breakfast every morning. Eggs and ham, bacon or sausage,toast and tea. He’s really helping a lot. The new meds I started ,but too early to say if they are working. I need to be accepted into the medical/ clinical trial. I have no other options . Dr.A. Bomback made that crystal clear to me. Virg,Jim, and Alyssa went to see Joe for a week. I’m nervous when she’s out of the state. No word from anyone,although BJ ‘S Aunt Joyce calls him frequently. She is his moms sister. I’ve been out ,talking to people,my favorite pastime. I go to the coffee shop only. I will get to the cemetery soon. Still undecided about what to do with your things. Obviously I can’t just leave them here. Then again, it’s no big deal. I get tired so easily,but being short of breath is the worst! I have an inhaler ,but it does little to ease the discomfort. I hate walking up all the stairs to the apt. I no longer go to the store ,because I can’t carry the bags. I miss you so much! I will be able to get the entire report from the police dept. about that day Oct.2012. M. Oakley ,the detective that responded first ,well I was with you first ,but he can get me the photos and report. Hard to believe Joe will be 31 and you died at 33. Still no word from Anthony. I think I’ll go out,I’m getting down,thinking about all this. I do hope your doing what you did at Mickey Mezos wedding,singing

Hi, it’s Sunday, May 29 th,2022 and it’s 7:20 pm. The past few days were actually happy. Joe flew up to see me from Florida. He and BJ talked until 4 am. I went to bed about 2am. I’m trying not to think about June 1 st, when I meet with Dr. Bomback. I’ll go alone. Depending on what he says ,I’ll decide about the next course of treatment,but no dialysis! I’m feeling okay. My amount of pills a day has now reached 13. 1 is 4 times a day,another is 3 times a day and the others are once a day,plus vitamins. Anyway, I’ve done a lot of serious thinking and have finally reached a conclusion. BJ goes out every night, today he’s at a cook out at the Lakers. I haven’t seen The Vickster in a week. I did see your sister briefly. I got the things for the cemetery, but still need the rug taken up and my brother Bobby’s headstone put some where. I’ll talk to Debbie Mielke again,I talked to Ginny the great .Quite honestly ,the outlook isn’t good.But I’ve known that for months. I’m,listening 
 to music and took a little piece of jelly candy. I’m going to lay down. Don’t get upset , I saw Craig Desarma. The Vickster refused to stop and let me talk to him. Just as well. Jim, I’m so lonely. I have friends ,but it’s different. I miss the way my life use to be,the people that all hung out together. The cook outs, macaroni salad, sitting in the alley way. But most of all I miss the fun I had with my nieces. Stef and Nancy are gone,as is Linda. I just told BJthat I felt like having a beer. That won’t happen, I haven’t drank in years.I am so tempted to take the phone out and listen to you ,but I don’t think I could handle that.Sorry.In my mind are lots of things about you . I hope you believed how much I loved you .Missing you 


It’s 11:28 pm, Wed. night, BJ just came home. It’s May 18th, 2022. The past week have been a sonami of emotions. Dr.Fiorentino started me on a new BP med. My blood pressure is going as high as 171/120! This is due to kidney failure.I haven’t felt good either, my ankles ,feet and legs grossly swollen. I talked to Virg and Joe is coming up from Florida to spend time here with us. I’m so excited,I can hardly wait. I got a huge food order Tuesday. Took BCatherine to the ENT on Monday. Seen Dehaven John( 20$) still not paid back. We sent Alyssa a surprise gift ,just because. I hope you can see her, I really do. I found out the plan may not start until July6 th. Then I see Dr.Frager and hopefully start 8 weeks or more of the Hep c med. But that concerns me because my kidney function is severe. The Vickster took me to CVS and I talked to Paul( the captain) Kaplan today. I also texted Iman Catchup and she responded quickly and ordered that med. Sweet Susan ,and I say that sarcastically was out and about today ,once again talking about me. I’m not going out tomorrow. BJ has gone out every night this month. I actually don’t mind. CVS is still out of stock on one of my meds,hydroxine.The kitchen has stayed immaculate,BJ making breakfast still every am.He washed the floors,did the few dishes and is walking again. Laundry has to go tomorrow and the rug better be gone by the weekend. I’m trying to get Dave Butler a job on the city. Times like this are scary,frustrating,unpredictable and inevitable as far as the end result. Speaking of end, I’m going to put a movie on, have tea and I took another dose of the new med.I am preparing my apology to you. In writing of course. I hope your safe,happy, content and not alone. 

It’s Mothers Day, Sunday ,May 10 th I think.Nothing going on,it’s quiet. I am remembering past Mothers Day when you were alive. I have to get to the cemetery this week, I have to put in writing some things and get them notarized. I’ve been feeling very down lately. Maybe because the infection is ripping through me. I don’t have much time to complete this journal and get it made into a book. But I’ll have the money to pay for it.Days go by and I don’t talk to anyone. Or text. I haven’t been listening to music much. I no longer watch TV. What I need to do is get a small desk and set it up in the corner of the bedroom with my new laptop on it. I’ve decided to learn myself about the laptop.. I had the pendent made with your picture. I just want to see Dr.Frager. I need to know exactly what the plan is. Medication first, then maybe a transplant? I don’t know,and quite honestly today I don’t seem to care. I want to sleep awhile. I promise I’ll be out at the cemetery this week coming. I don’t know what your doing ,but I hope your at peace,pain free,and are content. 

It’s Thursday, April 21 st, 2022 and it’s exactly 12 noon. Although yesterday was extremely aggravating, it finally subsided.Scott Burke passed away 2days ago,I don’t know why. But remember his dad Joe passed away in December. I would like to get in touch with Heather Burke Coffey. I’m making efforts to get to see Dr. Frager and Dr. M Lafrauna. But esp. Dr. Andrew Bomback. I want to clean out the linen closet in the hallway that has everything in it! I really want the bedroom done soon. I went with The Vickster yesterday shopping and for lunch. I’m convinced Mr. Stalk ( Michael) died. I haven’t heard from him in 5 months. I’m trying to control my blood pressure ,it was 168/94 last night at 10 pm. Today it’s better at 125/85. I wrote BJ a card and he actually read it. I’m sending out a few cards today. Still haven’t heard from Joe. Tomorrow we ( BJ and I) must get to the bank. The Vickster will take us. If there is a heaven ,you, Burkhardt, Scott, and others I hope are together. Miss you,not sure about going to Scott’s wake. I’m afraid it may have memories resurface and set me back. I’ll see how Ifeel Saturday. Dave Butler is in my book for 75$, EJ 10$, Tony coins 10$ and John/Tom 20$. I also have Albert 4 D at 60$. WhyIm thinking of this mI don’t know. I won’t go out today, but will accomplish the closet at least. Virg is fine, as is Jim, and 🥔. Nate’s nickname?🏈

It’s Monday,April 18 th,2022 and it’s 10:53pm. Today was quite nsual. Let me tell you why. I was waiting for The Vickster to come get me, and decided to go to Ali’s store. I was out of breath just walking there. Bags of books were there and thankfully a chair. So I sat on the chair and went through all the books. One imparticular caught my eye. A brand new beautiful green/ gold Karan. ( The Muslim bible) . So I gave it to Ali and he was overwhelmed! Holding it to his chest,kissed it and raised it up. He was in disbelief.  It loved it. I then spotted a mantle clock. Not big like Uncle Alberts was, but smaller and gold. It also chimed loudly. Of course I purchased it. Went toVickys, not for long, we ate lunch and had coffee. Andy Candy watched the boys while she drove me home. I met Arnovia and she carried the bags upstairs. Earlier I was watching Tyler Henry on the I pad. He spoke about the symbolism of a clock! I also got a call from Virg that the hotel found my cross!She and Jim are going up next weekend,she’ll get it. Because I was feeling really bad, lots of things were on my mind.Once again I’m worried about my items,collectibles, antiques, paintings,China ,crystal and my hope chest!I need to talk to Dr. Mark Kozicky, and Catch up with Iman tomorrow. Dialysis! I just can’t. I do know that Dr.Fiorentino is the one who provides palliative care. I need to talk to Debbie Mielke and Ginny the Great.Nothing ordered for anxiety ,stress, panic attacks. Getting back to the clock, Tyler says it is one way to let someone know that they should live every day to the fullest. I texted Margaret Mary also. If you can ,slip by. 

It’s Easter Sunday, April 17th,2022. It’s nothing like Easter was years ago. There’s no people getting together, no dying eggs or having an egg hunt. No lasagna, salad, spiral ham, turkey or pies. No people sitting around the old oak table ,talking ,laughing, making jokes and sharing memories. No one dresses up for Easter like we did. Not even an Easter basket! I’m referring only to my day, not anyone else’s.No babies wearing bunny ears. No chocolate bunnies to eat. No, that’s all gone. It ended about 2014. I lost my cross while I was away. I also sliced my thumb pretty bad peeling potatoes today. I intended to make them, sweet potatoes, asparagus and yes a ham! A spiral ham. Which weighs about 20 pounds! I don’t even know how to cook it. So, I put it back in the refrigerator. I still think of the silver painted horse on Uncle Bobby’s ( 106) back gate,the actual Vineyard Street sign ,at 100.Aunt Buddy bringing all the plants she brought into her house during winter ,and replanting them, Sweet Williams, and those huge purple looking popcorn bushes.Youhave no idea how badly I want to go to 92. As of right now I wouldn’t dare. I also wonder about Aunt Barbara’s belongings. Like the Easter egg coloring sheet she put on the table every year and we signed our names. Well, I don’t even have to text anyone to wish them a Happy Easter and obviously,I’ll not get a call, text or card. It’s already 4:22 pm,I’m going to lay down. I never did get my med from CVS.And the end of this journal is very near.

It’s Now Friday, April 15 th, 2022. I wish I could say I was feeling better,but I’m not. I’m seriously considering doing a most unprofessional act. I am going to all Dr.Andrew Bombeck. I will ask him straight out what my options are if any.I really can’t deal with this. No “ real” dx.? No cure? Very few even heard of FGN. I want to stay in bed all day. I will put an order in for food. I don’t want any complaints. I left my black blazer and maroon jacket in Virg’s car. Want to prepare the proper documentation to finally get the police report of 10/21/12. I am also going to request the autopsy report. After 10 years, the police records are stored or destroyed. It’s 1:02 pm, I cleaned the entire bathroom. I don’t want to hear music, watch tv or a movie, I don’t even want to look at TikTok.I promise you I’ll be at the cemetery for Easter. I do hope your safe, at peace, content and know you were loved.

It’s only 10:15 pm, Thursday night and I’m  bed already. There’s so much I want to tell you, but I can’t. I am emotionally drained, confused and hurt. Someone tore down the Easter decorations I put up.I spoke to Dr. O. Kozicky today. April 14,2022. He referred me to another specialist. Dr. Frager. Although I went out ,shopping with the Vickster ,I couldn’t get in a good mood. BJ annoyed about no dinner at 4:30 pm. The issue with CVS was embarrassing. The man shouted loudly that he couldn’t release my med and that he was reading it on his computer. When I asked what it said ( about me) he yelled, oh, no ,it’s confidential. I just want to sleep. Although I got a spiral ham for Easter, not sure it’s going to be cooked. Hopefully tomorrow’ I’m in a better mood. 

It’s 11:34 pm, Thursday night, April 7 th,2022. I stayed in today as it fainted earlier and then actual thunder and lightening occurred. I got in touch with Iman, to “ catch-up” so to speak. That will be tomorrow morning about 10:30 am. Plans with your sister ,Jim, BJ, Alyssa and Nate are almost confirmed. We’ll be heading to Utica NY. Although dinner and staying over is planned, I’m unsure about the live LaCrosse game. The Vickster came over earlier today. Dave Butler also called me ,he needed a little help$. I was glad I saw PO Joe. I also got a call confirming that Dr.Orest Kozicky,yes, Marks father will see me this Thursday at 2 pm. I called myself to make that appointment months ago. Dr. Fiorentino mailed me a note and requested I go for more tests. It’s the echo, that really concerns him. BJ has been going out nightly, but I don’t mind. I’ve gotten a lot done here. This upcoming week will have to be the defining moment. I absolutely need to know ,without a doubt, how ,if at all the medication will work. I already know ,a kidney isn’t going to pop up. I also know for a fact that severe stage 4 kidney failure is irreversible. Dialysis, studies have shown it’s not much help with Fibrillaryglomular nephritis. Still want to talk to Dr.Bombeck. I will start writing the things I want Virg to know. I was concerned about the father / son drs. being a conflict, but in the medical profession,it doesn’t really happen, I hope. I sent out cards ,but only ,Catherine,Mary,Eileen and Denise got them so far. Alyssa I used Vilma. Hope Vicky,Jim and Joe ,and Virg get their cards soon. I’m really tired. Betsy B2 is away. The laundry was taken to be done by Robert the super. Amazon delivered 4 times today. I am packing only the things I need for the few days. I got a new robe, blouses,and socks and underwear. Minimal makeup to be taken. I’m going to sleep, ok? Goodnight, love you 


It’s Monday, April4 th, and it’s 5:34 pm. I just made dinner. Today was worse than yesterday.I did call Yvette at Dr. Bombacks to see if he did video calls,no. Anyway, I am literally jumpi out of my skin, yeah, the dry ,flaky ,itchy one. I subconsciously think about April 7 th ,because that is my sisters ( S.T) birthday. You know the whole story. Well, I am going to talk to Iman onFriday. All I want to do is sleep. The heaviness in my chest worsens upon exertion. I’m meeting PO Joe at 7 pm. I pray he can help me. I wanted to do more Easter decorations,but I can’t,I don’t have the energy.I am actually causing this panic like state,I mean, my plans for the future are uncertain.I will go for the echo this week.I did see Sr.Pat yesterday,I gave her a scratch off and she won 25$. I have to call CVS ,now I couldn’t get hold of the doctor to refill my Metopropol,and I need it. Maybe later I’ll stop by, but I really just want to lie in bed,with a scented candle burning, and maybe watch a movie. How does one come to terms with this? I wonder.

Listen, it’s already Monday ,April 4th,2022 and it’s 12:21 am. I needed to make sure what and how I was feeling yesterday was known to someone. I called the Vickster and told her. I did see Dr.Fiorentino and it wasn’t so good. My kidney function is “ severe stage4”. He wants me to have an echocardiogram done. I need to find out about my prognosis. I refused renal dialysis. Ironically that’s probably where I got the virus. Anyway, I’m trying to stay healthy. I get so short of breath ,so easily. That is COPD, kidney failure, and in general all the things I had done so many years ago. Don’t forget I was a hippie. I’m going to call Dr. Bomback myself. I can’t wait until June 1st! Things are good. I’ll touch base again later today.miss you 

It’s Tuesday morning,March 29th,2022 and it’s 5:24 am. I woke up, was a bit hungry so decided to have cheese and crackers. Yesterday I had Instacart deliver. Things have actually been better. BJ and I seem to be talking more. Virg and I planned our “ mother / daughter” getaway.I have Dr.Fiorentino this Thursday as well as meeting Paul ( the Captain ) Kaplan in person. I started decorating the corner for Easter.I’m trying to keep my mind off FGN. I do go on Tik Tok and actually met a few really nice people. Jason Glass from Orange County Ca., Kelly’s ,and Scott, who sings in sign language.A guitar player that has music only, no words ,his music is magical.I’m back using the inhaler to breath. Not very often and no I m not even 
 smoking. I want ,what else? Closure! That’s the word most often used,closure. I want an absolute diagnosis. My hair is still falling out, my nails are brittle and discolored . I’ve been caring for my skin.My appetite fluctuates. I have been sleeping well lately. Other than that ,things are uneventful. Missing you ,I hope your at peace. 

Really not much to say nor am I in the mood to write. It’s March 24 th,2022, a Thursday and it drizzling, but warm. It’s 10:20 pm, .I thought things were going to change,but that was short lived. It’s as quiet as ever here. BJ went out Tuesday., Wed, and tonight . The day started with one remark. I cant wait until my condition is resolved one way or another.I have appointments with Dr. O Kozicky, Dr. Fiorentino and I’m finally going to meet Paul ( the Captain) Kaplan on the 31 St. I decorated for St. Patrick’s and have the Easter decorations already, but my heart is not in it. Of course I talk to DCatherine and BMary each a few times a week, but I only see Catherine.March isn’t a good month for me. My dad died the 6 th, Stef 4 th and Nancy the 19th. It’s not even 10:30 ,but I’m hoping to fall asleep soon. I will get to the cemetery, soon, I promise. I’ve been taking care of Dave Butler a bit. I’m sorry, I just can’t write. 

It’s already Wed. because it’s 12:41 am, March 16,2022.I had a very unpredictable day, emotional and honestly frightening at times. I had been helping DCatherine,as she’s been sick. But yesterday morning she wasn’t herself at all. My instinct or nursing experience made me realize she needed to go to the ER. I called Alfredo ,of course, and he and I had to physically get her into the vehicle. We were there in 3 minutes. I had gotten up at 6:30 am ,because she said her appointment with urgent care was 8:30 am. She was unsteady, weak, seemed disoriented at times and just didn’t look right. Well long story short, she was taken right away and a barrage of tests were being done. They couldn’t figure out was was wrong with her. The only obvious signs were rashes she had. Anyway, I stayed with her until I knew they were to admit her. I spoke to both her brother and sister Susan in Florida. Well the hours past, and now it’s going on 5 pm. Now get this. I met a Dr. J. Nesiwhat ( sic) and Raymond the security guard. Well, I don’t know why ,but I just went down. The grabbed me inches from the floor. I didn’t know what to do or think. But ,I hadn’t eaten anything since Monday! I had to tell adacatherine I had to leave. Luckily, Jimmy ,Levine’s drove me home.Raymond carried my bags and held onto my arm until I was in the car. I ate as soon as I walked in, and then hit the bed. I’m concerned because I shouldn’t be in a hospital, my immune system is too weak. They had me gown up, mask on and gloves ,that I changed every time I left the rom to talk BMary and Sr. Eileen. I have this overwhelming desire to go to where the wild horses run in the water and sand. I also want to go to Sag Harbor. 3 residents had never heard of my disease. It is rare. BJ and I finally talking about a lot of things. He was understanding about me staying so long with DCatherine. I met some of the nicest people. I talked to everyone . I’m in my element then. I am writing to administrators about the staff ? 


Just a quick note. It’s Sunday night, and it’s 10:53 pm. Today is 3/13/22. I spoke to Virg for a long time tonight. Things are quiet. Hoping to make plans after March/ April. My father died 3/6 ,Stef died 3/4 and Nancy 3/19. I cried a lot the past few days. My hair is falling out and I can’t imagine it. That Whack job is still looking for me. DCatherine is stressed to the limit. For a number of reasons. BMary is okay. I helped Dave Butler out last week. I haven’t been out in days. The Vickster had oral surgery. I won’t call Dr. Fiorentino. And I’ve heard nothing since beforeChristmas from Joe. Last I heard he was going to Calafornia.I’ll decorate the street for St. Patrick’s day. Wish I could have an ice cold beer, but I can’t and it’s been years.I thought maybe go to your grave and have one. As you know ,my kidneys are failing and fast. I need to put in writing so much. I will never even mention people from long ago.I do miss you ,esp. now. I still think about that day and the night before ,10/20/12. I should have had you stay . 

It’s Monday, March 1 st, 2022 and it’s 2:20 am. I have been feeling odd lately. Hard to explain. Even my dreams are confusing. What I am sure of ,is if this “ feeling” doesn’t go away or change, I need to talk to someone. BJ went out Friday,Saturday and last night ,Sunday to the club. Here’s what I can tell you. Bits and pieces of long ago, years ago, slip into my mind. I also have this gut feeling that something or someone ,totally unexpected will come into my life. I thought I came to terms with everything, but my kidney failure is very concerning. You know the prognosis. I have to realize that I alone will have to deal with whatever stages bring. I still think Dr. Fiorentino is upset ,not with me ,but because of my illness. I see Dr. M.Kozicky this Wed. 3/3/22. I am just going to put in writing what I need to know. I have gone out twice,but only to go with DCatherine to the doctors. However I did get a chance to meet up with B Mary and we had coffee as well as pizza. DCatherine also. I continued putting away the things I had in the living room. I hope I remember where I put them! Esp. the jewelry. It’s still quiet here. I did make 3 great dinners last week. I have no idea why they came out so good. And No, I didn’t mistake scallions for asparagus. I did however “ take” 1 tomato, 1 large melon, and garlic from the Foodtown box. Raphael knows. I don’t know why I do it. Listen I have to go. BJ is starting to wake up ,out in the recliner ,as usual 

It’s been awhile, I know. No excuses. But it’s now Feb. 15 th,2022 and it’s 10:53 pm. BJ went out. I am still losing my hair, should be the least of my worries but it’s not. Virg and Jim got home last Thursday, she called today. I’m still waiting to hear from Dr. Bombeck, Dr. Ficazzola and I’ll call Dr. Fiorentino. He knows I just want to talk to him, maybe have coffee, but clear things up about my prognosis. I spoke to Iman yesterday and I’ll talk to Paul tomorrow. Now this may sound childish, but it really concerns me. Sweet Susan ,who I met about 4 years ago and who knew you , so she says, is on a “ tear”. By that I mean she’s calling me, texting me, calling me things I won’t print here. Why? I don’t know. I haven’t even seen her in 6 or 7 months. She’s actually states that she’s coming here and not for a social visit. She claims she’ll be walking around the neighborhood, knows where I live and let’s just say it doesn’t sound good for me.I am upset, I did nothing to provoke her, I know she has issues , but I’ve also been told she’s vicious. She doesn’t care for me at all! Mind you ,I’ve always been nice to her, giving her cigarettes, talking etc. I tried today to tell BJ why I haven’t been going out ,( since she called) but he doesn’t want to hear it. I called dispatcher 88 at the 4 th precinct ,explained my predicament and asked what I should do. He said file a written report at the precinct or he would send someone here. I called Kathy Uber also, she’s familiar with this “ side” of Susan. You know, she’s messing with the wrong person. I’m in my 60’s ,I’m sick, and I’m certainly not going to have an altercation with a 50 year old girl.I wish you were here. I don’t trust her. The audacity for her to say she’s coming here. Speaking of stalkers ,I haven’t heard from Mr. Stalk since last year. He was in Bridgeport Ct. Anyway, I’m going to do the mature thing and follow dispatch 88 ‘ s advice. I’ve been so tired the last few weeks. I hope to sleep. 

Hey! It’s Wed.night, 2/2/2022 and it’s 10:52 pm. Just a quick update. I went out today after Paul ( The Captain) Kaplan called. Great talk as usual. Started decorating the street / pole for Valentine’s Day. Met Joe Magnoon, who brought me 2 boxes of wound care and dressing supplies. I met DCatherine for coffee. Met a man I didn’t know, he had ordered lunch ,but a western Union didn’t come through. So I lent him the money. Do you know ,he returned and paid me back . Then another man ,handed me a giant Hershey Bar, I asked what’s this for ,he answered , I overheard your kindness” ,with that he opened his jacket ,there was a cross! Tomorrow I’ll be getting the Covid booster. Their sending an ambulance, I have no idea why. I just want to get it and get it over with. I also saw Dave Butler today. He’s doing really well.Arnovia met me in the lobby and carried the bags up to the apt. My concern is the possibility of a UTI . I have the S/S of that or a kidney infection, I’ll call Dr. Shojai. Yes, he delivered you by c section and your sister with forceps Don’t remind me. I’m watching the 600 lb. people once. 28. I never miss a show. Then I’ll catch upon the police interrogations I’ve started to watch No word from Dr. Bombeck. But did get a call from the Hope program . Trying to get me a case manager. I also saw Post Office Joe today. Told me he’d be in touch as he saw his doctor on Monday. Talked to BMary.Burke about 10:30 pm. That was my day. I enjoyed every minute of it and really enjoyed each person I talked to . Miss you 








I messed up again! Dr.Mark Kozicky called me and we talked about yesterday and the unpredictable of kidney failure. Losing my hair also happens.Virg called ,we talked. BJ although complaining of being weak, light headed,no appetite and vision getting worse went to the club tonight. Friday, Jan. 28 th,202@.The Vickster came through fir me ,going to CVS . I’m still upset about Dr.Fiorentino. He knows I’m not sick with something that improves or gets better. I was scared! And have everyone right to be. I’m going to just relax tonight, No tv, No movies, Just sit and wonder.Maybe put the giraffe up in the bathroom.Hope tomorrow is better. Dr. Kozicky said I should go to the ER if I feel like I did yesterday and can’t urinate, get confused ,unsteady. He said they could monitor me better and keep me comfortable. Dr. Bombeck hasn’t gotten back to us yet. I told Dr. Kozicky I was trying for a case manager and a support system. It would be through St. John’s.It quiet here. No tv, no music and no people ,as usual. So, I’m going to go ,I’ll touch base tomorrow’s 

I may have screwed up again, I just wrote all about y kidney failure,Dr. Fiorentino, try to get the med, I hadn’t peed in 19 hours! My feet and legs are so swollen. BJ stayed in ,trying to help me. He   Knowsit’s I’m scared. I know all too well signs and symptoms of ESRD.The Vickster offered to go to CVS ,but mother med was never ordered! I have to call Dr, Mark Kozicky tomorrow. I’m in the recliner with my legs up, I think it’s helping.I wish I had my mom. I write about Norman Angel and reincarnation ( weird) How Catherine stayed with me for hours in the coffee shop. Mohammed was so nice. We talked and had a soda. I saw DAD. He’s doing ok. I thinkI need to Putin writing on paper the things I would like and things I would rather forget, people too. I am stressed, I’m having Herbal tea. This is just the beginning. I never thought this would happen to me. And losing my hair.I kid Mary about peeing at 10 pm ,when we talk.  She laughed. I am trying to keep,my sense of humor ,but it’s not easy. It’s a farce. I’ll. Get back to you tomorrow! Friday Jan. 28yh, 2022.Miss you 

I feel so foolish. I had been in the  recliner with the bottom up  , you know for my legs .  I was feeling very agitated. I came down the hall, I had slippers on . What do I do? Sit with all my weight 118 pounds,on leg part of the recliner ,it automatically went down ,and so did I , Thankfully I didn’t hit my head. I called out to.BJ. He came and helped me up. My left elbow, my left knee and my left arm too the brunt of the fall. I’m extremely upset. I’m starting to doubt that I’ll get to see Dr.Bombeck. I’m drinking herbal tea,and did pee ,just when BMary B called me. I touched base with Kathy Courage. She’s in Balston Spa. Kidney failure sucks big time! I want to be the one making the decisions re: treatment. I still can’t see me on dialysis. I’m am scared. I feel so alone. I tried to talk to BJ again about dialysis,  the refused to talk about anything. Would you ever believe I would be dealing with this,a death sentence. I. remember being there for my sister MaryJane ,who I adored. My brother Bobby, I was holding him , and always there for my mom and Aunt Buddy,Aunt Niney ,Jay Engel Nancy. Stef and others ,even y sister in-law Lupe your god mother my. friend . No ,I never thought I’d be in this situation. I hate to say it ,but even your good friends disappeared shortly after you died and proclaimed “ they would always be there for me” Especially Anthony, there I said it and wrote it, The tears just happen. I want to scream Should I write to Barbara and Sha Sha? Amanda, Sam, the boys,Even their friends and relatives ! Diana, Fran,deleted me from their lives. I’m going to bed,I can’t sit here alone ( BJ went to sleep) listening to of all things oldies. I just thought of something. Did you die alone? By yourself, with Kip on your bed. Did you know you were dying? Will I ever know what really happened that Sunday morning at 10:53 a ,October 21st,2012. BJ carrying you to the Hearst? Sorry ,I’m just thinking. I want to sleep,I don’t know why I can’t











Well, I was out for hours and loved every minute! Even the frigid weather didn’t bother me. I know now ,well ,I knew long ago, that this is what I’m good at. This is actually a passion. Meeting people ,talking to people ,getting to k ow them. That’s how I want my days to be. Although a bit tired ,bought a top round roast ( already in the oven) and stopped in Ali’s for about” treasure”. But most important is the talk I had with your father. He still insists the drs. are wrong about my kidney failure, He ,like so many others ,think dialysis is a sure indication that your kidneys are failing. I my case however / Fibrillary Glomular Nephritis, dialysis,first I wouldn’t do it and second it won’t help me. I shutter when I remember putting on Facebook ,I needed a kidney (before the biopsy) and not one person responded . Yes, of course your sister did,but I was hoping one of the girls would maybe just get checked you know ,” match”. My ankles are swollen,but compared to Denise Viv, it’s nothing. She is having surgery, broke her ankle bad. The shortness of breath is increasing. I am learning to move around slower. I did put all the laundry away, made a hot dinner and now Im doing this. I talked to Paul ( the Captain) Kaplan this morning promptly at 11:15 am . I spilled my guts to him, I spoke to him about human touch or lack of it. We hope to meet in person one day soon, Had coffee with DCatherine, Saw Aaron, Mohammed ,Joseph and Toffee. Bought a few cards, candy and played lotto. I am surprised at the glass items Ihave. Murano, Medina Bellek, and frosted glass. I want to display them, they are so pretty. I thought up on a wall maybe.And let’s not forget the silver stag head / goblet ,signed Italy and Gucci. At First Dips auctions the price is 2200$. Maybe my cousin Margaret Mary  knows someone I can call ,her mom,Kate had many antiques . I’ll call her. So,I’m trying to get BJ to at least acknowledge that I’m not doing well most days. I’m going to bed, 7:27 pm, Wed. 





OBITUARY

James Patrick Galligan Jr.

7 November, 1978 – 21 October, 2012

Whalen & Ball Funeral Home

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