Caleb,
It’s been five years… I know you’re up there. Please ask GOD to let your nephews find their way home. I love and miss you so much.

Caleb, I woke up dreading today as it marks three years since you left us… It’s crazy how dark our world has become overnight and I have no doubt it’s due to losing you. Things are so hard right now. I still think of you EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I’m sure we all do… You were the puzzle piece in the very middle and we are both incomplete and useless without you. There are so many things I wish I had told you before you left, so many missed opportunities I will mourn for the rest of my life. Your little girl is absolutely gorgeous and Uriah is the light of dad’s life. Thank you for leaving them for us to remember you by. Thank you for coming into our lives. Please shine your light upon us, Caleb. We are struggling without you… I love you today, tomorrow and for the rest of my life!

Caleb, it’s been a year and a half since you left us, but even a hundred years couldn’t soften this pain. I still think if you daily and  cry in disbelief. I left Cleveland in July, took the boys and started over in Arizona. I came here because it felt familiar...it felt like you. The last 18-months have been painful ones sprinkled with a few smiles. Aunt Odessa, Uncle Dexter and Cousin Darlene have all followed you. As awful as it is, losing you numbed me. I feel empathy more sympathy more deeply, now but my tears are less easily shed. The boys continue to light my way and still speak of you, their Uncle Caleb, with the same intensity, love and adoration as they did when you were visible. I’ll never let them forget you. I’ll never let anyone forget you! They couldn’t even if they tried, anyway. You were so special, Caleb. Did you know that? GOD, I pray you knew it... I love you and always will!

Caleb, 
It’s been nearly two-months and I’m finally beginning to process that you’re gone. Until now, I held on to this delusional hope that this was just a nightmare I couldn’t seem to wake up from. As crazy as it was, I found solace in the belief that at any given moment I could awake from this... This fog would be lifted and I would rush over to you, wrap my arms around you and bury my face in your chest. I would cry and you would be confused until I detailed to you what I had been through in “losing” you. Caleb, it’s so quiet now... You’re absence is deafening and my spirit is forever broken because of it. We are trying to move forward. Mama is doing a great job of finding purpose and beauty in the ashes. I’m thankful that she can, she needs to be able to, but she’s not like us, Caleb... I have this void that goes so deep it pierces the core of my existence. I miss you like someone would miss the air. I know you’re in heaven and that the GOD who created you is enjoying you. I know you’re happy and that thought alone sustains me. I love you with all my heart. You (and Joshie) were my first loves and our love and bond was the purest... I love you, Caleb...

Caleb,
Not a day passes that I don’t think of you. You are always on the forefront of my mind and I miss you more with each passing day. Losing you broke me... I truly never considered this possibility and I am lost for words and unable to cope. The anger that I feel is consuming and most of all, I’m forever disenchanted. This type of thing couldn’t happen to us (in my mind). We would always have each other. We were supposed to grow old together! I had the kids last weekend and looking at Uriah was like looking through your eyes again! I vow to you that I will always be there for your children! I will always love and provide for them! There will be nothing I deny them and your legacy will live on through those angels! Caleb, thank you so much for them... Though this is undoubtedly the most difficult time of our lives, having those beautiful babies to focus on makes it manageable. I love you so much... 

Caleb it is 0430 in the morning and as usual I find myself looking at your pictures.  I often wonder why I did not make you come stay with me in Cali or why I did not spend more time with you.  Is this all my fault? Could I have made a difference in the decisions you made? These are only a few questions that I keep asking myself.  I just miss you so much and I regret leaving when I did, I shouldn't have left you like I did. I should have been there for you more.  You deserved a better brother than me. I love you so much Caleb and im sorry that we did not spend more time together.

Caleb, 
I can see and feel you all around me everyday. Last week, I was particularly broken and was missing you terribly, just trying to hold it together as I drove when the dark sky opened up and I felt your light shining down on me. Josiah saw a cross in the sky, but I simply felt the familiar peace that I’ve lost since you left. We miss you so much! Later that day, we saw a beautiful rainbow and Liam said you were sliding down the rainbow looking at us! I know you were there... I know you’re still here. I wish that were enough for me. It should be... It has to be enough, but my heart won’t let it be. Facing you’re loss has caused me to face the fact that I don’t cope well. I somehow maintained this childlike novelty for far too long. In my heart, this wasn’t supposed to happen so I’m really struggling to cope and simply going through the motions. I feel myself turning into someone I wouldn’t want to know and I realize that I need to snap out of this funk, but how? I love you so much, Caleb... Ask GOD to help us be ok, please. You were our rainbow. You were our hope, embodied. It wasn’t right, but it was... I love and miss you so much!

Today marks one month since you left us... I broke down yesterday. Caleb, this is all too much! I hate hearing the well wishes and if I hear “he’s in a better place,” again I’m going to snap. I want you here!!! I cannot accept that you’re gone, you aren’t supposed to be gone!!! You weren’t done... I’m so angry!!! This is a pain and sense of empty hopelessness that I’ve never known. I begged GOD to let this be a nightmare. I pleaded with him to let me wake up and rush to you! I would tell you of this pain. I would let you know how hard life was without you and we would make it all right. It would be the scare you needed to change your life and that I needed to drop my foolish pride and anger. We would be like we used to be. What’s more, we would be together! GOD, why can’t I wake up from this?!?! Why couldn’t my brother get a scare?!?! This heartache is consuming me. Caleb, I’ve heard it said that if you aren’t coming to me in my dreams then you’re at peace. I know you’re with Teresa, Grandma and Grandpa. I know you’re happy and surrounded by all the greatest things we know and some we never have. I know you’re alright. Maybe it’s my selfishness... Please come to me. I miss you and I’m lost... I love you so much and can’t wait to see you when my time comes. Please don’t forget me...

Caleb, I just finished watching a movie called The Glass House, it made me think of you... You, Joshie and I were a little tribe. We realized early on the we were our only chance to get out and had a detailed plan to do so. We had so many plans... We were gonna open up that restaurant and have houses side-by-side. Just as planned, I got out and went to college. The following year, Joshie left. We left you behind!!! You were there alone. You were stuck. We left you behind... If I lived 100 years, I could never forget you or forgive myself. I wish I could hold your hand once more, listen to one of your jokes, just hear you breathe. I love you with my whole heart, the depth of my soul and the fiber of my being. I love you, Cay-Cay. Please forgive me for leaving you behind... 

Caleb, I love you with all my heart.  Not a day goes by that I do not miss you.  It is hard thinking about you without feeling numerous emotions but I know that even though you are not physically here on this earth, that you are here in spirit and in my heart.  Brother I love you and will always love you.  I remember when you taught yourself how to play the guitar, or when you broke up with your first girlfriend (hilarious).  Caleb I know we will be together in heaven one day.  Just know that I will always support your kids and tell them how wonderful you were.

Caleb, I’m really struggling today. I miss you so much. Everything reminds me of you and how broken my soul and this world is without you. I need you. I need to see your face. I miss your laugh, your bright smile, the way you could connect with anyone you met. You were truly the most amazing person I’ve ever known and when you left a part of me went with you. I promise you that I will always be there for your babies, that I will love them like you did and that I’ll give them the life that you deserved, but never had. You came into my life so powerfully and left in the same capacity. I love you so much little boy... I will love and carry you with me until the day I die and we are reunited... 

Writing this makes me feel closer to you... I have loved you for as long as I can remember. You were truly my greatest hope and I always knew you were special. I am blessed with a lifetime of memories shared with you in 27-short years. I recall our first road trip. I was 18 and you were 14. We were coming back to Cleveland from Virginia after my freshman year and kept getting lost. You were so aggravated and I was nervous and knew I had to get us home. Looking back, every lost moment was invaluable because we were together. I didn’t realize how limited our time would be. I wish I had... I would give almost anything to have that day back, to tell you I love you once more or to simply hear your beautiful laugh. My life is forever changed because you aren’t here anymore and I don’t know how to cope. I am so sorry for the time I wasted being mad at you. I love you and miss you more then I can say...

OBITUARIO

Caleb Uriah Paul Cardona

18 diciembre, 1990 – 3 agosto, 2018

Craciun Berry Funeral Home

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