Terri Lynn Holt

I have an advantage of being able to write my own obituary. Since being diagnosed with liver cancer I have had time to ponder my existence and write what I want to alleviate the pain of anyone else having to write this essay or document. What can I say about my life? Wow…what a ride it was! It was one adventure after another the way life is meant to be. The bummer is that I died from cancer after fighting it (breast cancer) and winning it before this other cancer hit me. Dang it…life isn’t fair. I thought I would die having a great adventure, but nope…I got cancer again. But hey…I am the most interesting woman in the world right? A 5’2” platinum blonde tornado to be reckoned with who at one time could drink you under the table, smoke a spliff on a Jamaican beach, venture into the dangerous streets of Kingston, Jamaica, hang out in the streets of New York City in the 80’s with my sister and get in the Limelight Club with some dude named Tom, sit on stage during a concert with Ozzie Osbourne or The Police or Ringo Starr and be invited to the after party.

I was born in the beautiful spring on April 15, 1949 in Norton’s Hospital on Oak Street in Louisville, Kentucky. My Mother told me that I was born within 5 minutes of her arrival at the hospital. She said I was ready to get the show on the road. Her words, not mine. So Jane and Ira (Smitty) Smith gave me life and taught me to be a good person. They taught me the Golden Rule which is etched into my brain as the principle of life. My childhood nickname was TeaLea…it’s what my Dad called me and I loved it. Over the years I was called Terrbear, TDog and Terrance. I attended grade school in Louisville then moved with the family to Twentynine Palms, California. Dad asked for orders from the Marine Corps to be station there to protect my younger sister, Barbara, from asthma attacks which were quite severe. The dry desert air was the cure she needed. I attended Oasis Elementary school and Twentynine Palms Junior High where I played sports such as volleyball and soccer and was a cheerleader. I absolutely loved desert life. I was a member of the Girl Scouts, went rock climbing and camping at Joshua Tree National Monument, caught lizards for pets, tried to catch a hummingbird and made a cactus garden in a shoebox. Mom and Dad took us to Disneyland and to see the Pacific Ocean. We later moved to Albany, Georgia where I attended Dougherty High School and lived on the Marine Corps base. I graduated in 1967 and was accepted to the University of Louisville. After graduation we moved to Cherry Point Air Station in North Carolina before moving back to Louisville. My sister Barbara was in high school and baby sister Susy was in elementary school. I lived in an apartment at my grandmother Thompson’s (Ma) and attended U of L for the next 2 years. After a decision to become independent of my parents I moved into my own apartment and dropped out of college. I began working as a stenographer at the American Red Cross. After discovering I was pregnant by my boyfriend, Larry Holt, we married in February 1970 and I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Charisma Miranda on April 9, 1970. By attending classes whenever I could afford a semester, I was able to receive my BA in English and Theater Arts in 1974. The most important thing I accomplished was being a mother to the best person in the entire universe, my daughter. She has been my rock. Unfortunately, I worked more than I was able to stay home and be a Mom, but it only intensified my bond to my only child. I only wish I could thank her for everything she did for me. She is the most caring person I have ever known. Beautiful on the inside and outside.

I worked as a cashier, a secretary, an Administrative Assistant and a bartender. I always wanted to be an actor or an artist but had no formal training so I became self-taught. My college studies were instrumental in my acting in plays in Shakespeare in the Park in Central Park in Louisville for nearly 5 years. It was exciting even though we were never paid in anything but applause. I worked for the Community Action Agency for nearly 10 years. It was a rewarding career working to life to lift people out of poverty by providing weather-stripping for their homes, equal employment opportunity investigations, program planning and many other services. It ended when Reaganomics shut down those programs to the poor. Stupid Republicans…but I digress. I began a career as a bartender finding that creating cocktails and entertaining bar guests provided a good income. I worked in the hot nightclubs for several years then finally worked for Hyatt Regency Hotels as a bartender in the hotel bar for 21 years until an early retirement due to health problems. Now I just dabble in mixed media art, take care of 2 dogs and a cat and a big antique house built in 1928. I love my old house, my animals, my gardening and most of all the person who makes my life worth every minute of living…my daughter Charisma. Without her my life would have been boring. Thank you sweet daughter for all the laughter and love (and even the tears) we had together. You are the best person in the universe and hopefully our profound energy will meet in the stars for all eternity. In the meantime, stay strong and be the person you are in life.

I was preceded in death by my loving parents and my beautiful sister, Barbara who lost her battle with breast cancer at the age of 48. I wish to thank my sister, Susy, for always being there for me through good times and bad.

When given the gift of life I became connected to some truly generous and beautiful people in my family and among my friends. We are all one divine organism connected through energy and spirituality of things in the microcosm we cannot comprehend until we get to the other side to reside in the stars once again. You are all so very precious to me. When I found out I had liver cancer I decided to rejoice in my lovely life and never be sad or regretful. My life was full of love and support of all my “peeps.” My Cousins, Cathe, Jeanne, Rod, Ken, James, and Cindy, my Aunts and Uncles, Nephews, Nico, Christopher, Matthew and Brad, and Stepdaughter, Laurel, but most of all my daughter Charisma. Please do not be sad or full of grief for more than a few hours. Celebrate my life and yours. Tell stories and laugh. Play music by my favorite artists (definitely Depeche Mode) because we all must make this journey and maybe we shall meet again on a different plane of existence.

Today I was transformed. I don’t know what I am doing dead and I certainly didn’t know what I was doing half the time I was alive. And, I REALLY don’t know what I am doing writing these words. I loved learning and reading and being informed of everything there was to know. It made me feel smart and intelligent…like getting all the answers right on Jeopardy or doing a crossword puzzle in ink. The power of books and words amazed me and my appetite for reading and learning began at a very young age…like around 3 years old when Dad taught me all of the capitals of all of the United States. I loved curling up with books and my imagination painting clear pictures of what I was reading.

What made me happy in life? Many things gave me happiness. A happy childhood with 2 sisters and parents I loved with all my heart. Learning anything new. Summer sun and swimming in the ocean. Fresh strawberries. A hot fudge Sunday from Cox’s Drug Store for 25 cents when I was a child. Hanging out at my grandparents’ dry cleaning business playing in the hanging clothing then tagging along with Grandfather Smith to give carrots and apples to the horses in the barns of Churchill Downs. Listening to my Grandmother Thompson’s philosophy of life and never being bored…she was that interesting. Going to concerts and being lost in the music as if I were in another world of total bliss. Eating warm sourdough bread in San Francisco, crawfish etoufee in New Orleans, pizza slices in New York City. Walking on the white sand beach in Negril, Jamaica and drinking a rum punch. Living for the rock and roll experience of hanging out with the actual rock stars while having a VIP backstage pass. Clubbing with my friends whether working or partying. We lived for the music, dancing and camaraderie. We thought we were so cool…okay we were cool…the coolest. We were bartenders united in our secret world of drinking making, drink creating and living life as one giant party. We let you into our circle if you were cool and gave big tips. Most of all…doing all the memorable things with my best friend and daughter, Charisma. Our memories surpass all others. We have laughed so hard we cried tears and had sore abdominal muscles. We shared hangovers, clothes and makeup, told each other every boyfriend detail, lived for hockey games, concerts and trips to big cities. We were best friends, sisters, Mother/Daughter. The closest two people could be. Please take care of her for me so she can continue to be happy in our memories. Just so you know…I held each dog close and kissed their little doggie lips, stroking their tiny heads while telling them how much I loved and will miss them. Make sure they get a treat from me every day at bedtime. They love chicken Nudges. By the way…there are a few things I hate. Math, canned vegetables, stepping in dog poo, that dirtbag Donald Trump (don’t let him be re-elected please).

Do not mourn me with tears, but wearing black is okay because it is my favorite color. Celebrate my love of life!

Death is a scary thing and missing me might make you sad, but,

I am the wind, the sun, the moon and the stars. I am at peace. I am infinite and I have always made it a point to speak the truth. I owned the things I did wrong and took responsibility. I hope I told all of you how much you were loved by me because you gave me support and encouragement and made me feel valuable. You were all valuable to me in so many ways. Keep my ashes in a very cool urn and take me with you to a bar and drink a shot named after me. Keep that urn around as long as it looks good with the current décor.

-Terri Lynn Smith Holt