Joan Mary Costello Barbary

BARBARY, JOAN M. (Costello) of Scituate on February 6, 2010, at the age of 76. Cherished wife of 50 years to Robert A. Barbary. Predeceased by her parents John W. Costello Sr, Mary (Tate) and brother John W. Jr. Treasured Mother of Paula Barbary Shannon and her husband Patrick of Baie d' Urfe, QC. Canada, Maura Barbary and her partner Janice Cole of Marshfield MA, Kevin Barbary and his wife Deborah of Scituate, MA, Brian Barbary and his wife Kay of San Antonio TX, Joanne Morency of Gray ME, Kathleen Lambert and her husband Randall of Nashua NH. Beloved Grandmother of James, Liam and Conor Shannon. Kevin Jr. and Sean Barbary, Justin and Emily Barbary. Robert and Katherine Morency. Elizabeth Janiak. Godmother of Mary Elizabeth Costello of Grand Junction CO and Mary Joan Roach of Qunicy MA. Graduate of Newton College of the Sacred Heart (1955) and Jeanne d'Arc Academy (1951). Joan taught many years at Cushing Hall in Scituate and was a certified Guardian Ad Litem. She was formerly the Co-Director of Religous Education at Resurrection Parish Hingham. Active in Scituate Youth Center and former Co-Chair Scituate Beautification Committee. Joan volunteered at Pine Street Inn, Community Servings and Habitat for Humanity. She was an avid Red Sox fan and student of politics. Joan will be remembered by all that she touched in life as a true example of all that is best in the human spirit and as an enduring example of grace and courage. Funeral from the Richardson-Gaffey Funeral Home, 382 First Parish Rd., Scituate on Wednesday, February 10th at 9AM followed by a Mass of Christian Burial in St. Mary of the Nativity Church, Scituate at 10AM. Interment will be private. Visiting hours will be on Tuesday from 4PM-8PM. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to Community Servings (www.servings.org) VNA of Norwell (www.nvna.org).

Eulogy delivered by Joan's daughter Paula and son Kevin

Mom said of her parents, “In my world of school, sports, church and friends my mom and dad were the earth, the sun, the moon and the stars. They were loved by so many but they belonged to me. How lucky I was.”

All of us today feel the same way about her. How blessed we were to have known her as a wife, a mother, a grandmother and a friend. She made each of us feel unique. It is her special gift that allows us all to say, “She belonged to me. How lucky I am.”

An accomplished woman, Mom treasured literature, language, music, the arts, politics and philosophy. Education was of great importance for her, something she instilled in all of us, and she pursued her quest for knowledge with vigour and without reprieve. A most able communicator, she went from essay competitions to public speaking to valedictorian and champion-of-the-underdog with equal poise and ease. Later in life, with her formidable, corporal voice silenced, mom feared that she might lose her spiritual voice and worried that she would no longer have the ability to guide those around her.

Undaunted, she increased her letter writing, personal cards, timely notes, and emails. While the perfect handwritten note remained her special touch, always arriving ahead of holidays, birthdays, and special occasions, mom embraced new technology eagerly. By conservative estimates, it is likely that she sent and received over 24,000 emails last year alone. And regardless of personal politics, one also had to respect the conviction of her prolific letter writing to editors near and far, excerpts of which were published in the New York Times, the Boston Globe, her first employer, Sports Illustrated, the Patriot Ledger and more. Our mom most certainly had a voice.

The word voracious implies a ravenous need to consume. A voracious reader, mom devoured books, essays, journals, newspapers, blogs, and tweets daily. She found ways to connect and be connected regardless of the medium and this remained a vital source of energy and inspiration for her. When she found her grandchildren online, she created a Facebook page and posted on their ‘walls’…while they may have cringed at this coming from their parents, they never minded it when Nana reached out.

But we also know that she wanted desperately to pick up the phone and call us just to say, “Hi” or to offer some needed words of support and encouragement. She wanted to speak with her grandchildren who were a source of wonder and amazement to her. Each so talented, so gifted and so loving. She felt despair that she would not reach them, some of whom had never heard her speak.

She wrote that sometimes when she dreamed she could speak to us all. She said, “My heart is so full with all I want to share – I would cry aloud would that I could and shout - ‘I want you to hear my voice’. I have so much I need to share with all of you but I am silenced. Do you hear me though? Just a little bit…maybe?”

Mom we heard you and we still do.

On difficult days, Mom searched for answers. Would Dad’s strength, courage, love and devotion stand these tests? The answer was a resounding yes. She wondered if she was pleasing God by trying to live his will. She believed he was beside her and keeping her on the right road even when she could barely see the road ahead. She said, “It may be dark, and I may be a little lost, I know I am dying but I am not afraid.”

A favorite source of inspiration for Mom was from Micah “This is what Yahweh asks of you, only this.... that you act justly, that you love tenderly, that you walk humbly with your God` When she thought of this was comforted and said, “This I can do. These questions I can answer – Who I am, Who I love and Where I walk.”

Where she walked …. The community that is St. Mary’s was such an integral part of Mom’s life. For over 40 years, it was a source of great refuge for her. She loved singing in the choir, teaching CCD, Dad being a lector and of course Brian and I being altar boys.

St Mary’s was a special place for her. There were baptisms, first communions, confirmations and even a wedding. She truly cherished being part of the St Mary’s family.

Many people knew Mom through the voice that Paula so aptly described. Prior to her illness, she was also a person who excelled and competed fiercely in a variety of athletic endeavors. Anyone who had the misfortune of facing her in a tiebreaker of a three set match in tennis knows what I am talking about. She may have smiled like Chrissy Everett but she played like Jimmy Connors.

She loved the thrill of competition and whether it was tennis, golf, charity walks, horseshoes, bocce, wiffleball, or her favorite, Pool volleyball – she never quit until she won.

Sometimes she could just compete with herself. She would challenge herself with things like a week long, grueling wilderness expedition called Outward Bound or travelling to St Louis to help on a Habitat for Humanity build.

If it was not a physical challenge or sport then she could just as easily turn her competitive attention to Scrabble. She would play for hours, often winning be using words that only a Rhodes Scholar would recognize. She constantly reminded us that having a strong vocabulary was critical in achieving success in life.

She loved all things about the Boston sports scene. The Pats, Celtics, Bruins, BC Eagles but her true passion was the Red Sox. As a young girl, she enjoyed attending many games with her Dad. Many of the players hung out at his nightclub and would share tickets, baseballs and other tokens. She loved to tell us the story of sitting near the on deck circle watching Ted Williams and how he would turn around and give her a wink and a wave.

She was a die-hard fan, never missing a game. She had a special type of favorite player. She did not idolize the superstars or bonus babies. No she loved the hard nosed, scrappy, blue collar guys like Johnny Pesky, Rick Burleson, Butch Hobson, Yaz, Dick Raddatz, George Scott, Jason Varitek, Trot Nixon and of course her latest favorite Dustin Pedroia.

I was the envy of all my friends because she would let me skip school on openings day and she would take me to the game each year.

She always found something special to share with everyone in the family. She felt so fortunate to engage on so many levels. Her grandchildren were a source of tremendous pride and inspiration. She showered them with notes and emails whenever she heard or read of their accomplishments or sometimes just to say a little hello.

She was eagerly looking forward to James and Kevin’s graduations this spring from Exeter and Milton and so proud of their accomplishments but she was equally proud of her youngest granddaughter Elizabeth’s recent essay on how to build a marshmallow igloo. For Mom it did not matter the child’s age or subject matter – if it was done well she was proud. James, Kevin, Sean, Robbie, Justin, Liam, Katie, Emily, Conor and Elizabeth Nana loved you completely and deeply. She cherished each one of you for your unique and special talents.

I know that all the kids have incredible collections of emails, cards and letters that will be tremendous keepsakes. We all know how special it was to open our email and see that familiar name … nanab2703@aol !

She loved her friends deeply. As a young girl growing up in Merrymount with Aunt Lee, high school years with close friends like Mim and then college pals and roommates, she always took time to stay in touch with them. Later in life, she was especially proud of her group of friends that called themselves the WINNERS. You were such a special part of her life and she cherished your adventures together.

The friendship that sustained her most both literally and figuratively, was the one she enjoyed with my Dad. They celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary this past June with a lovely Mass here at St Mary’s and then family party. She was truly blessed to have Dad by her side and he is a hero to all of us for his unconditional love and support.

The next several days and weeks may be difficult Dad but you will be surrounded by your family and friends. I also want to thank you Father Matt for the Grace and dignity you have extended to my family during this difficult time.

Since moving to Scituate in 1965 Mom enjoyed so many of the town activities and places. Our neighborhood, especially the Hanlon Family, Scituate Youth Center, Sunlight House, Cushing Hall, CCD, Beautification Committee and her Town Library. To an entire generation she was known simply as “Mrs. B.”

There has not been a time where I was attending a ballgame, church service or just out running an errand where someone did not reach over and say “Hey – How is Mom. Tell her she is in our thoughts and prayers” Believe me … She heard your prayers and they sustained her.

Even though it is difficult to envision this now with a snow storm bearing down upon us. My Mom had several of her favorites days coming up right around the corner. Feb 18th - Pitchers and Catchers report to Spring Training and her all-time favorite .. Opening Day at Fenway in April. Believe me will all hear her voice at opening day – if I know Mom she is up there right now asking God to help Big Papi rediscover his home run swing.

As Kevin illustrated so well, Mom touched so many lives in so many ways. She thought often of the journey of our souls. Saying her journey was simply that …“hers.” Yet she knew her journey touched others like the concentric circles formed when a stone is thrown into the water. She felt that our lives, our dreams, our hopes are never solely ours. Our mother believed this deeply

When her savior called her home, she followed Fr. Tom Lawton’s favorite phrase, “Let Go and Let God.” She is together now with her beloved parents and brother and her dearest friend Lian, whom she proudly called her sister. Her journey is not over though for we carry her message forward and we make her voice strong and clear for all to hear.