Freda Schaeffer

Many thanks for joining us here today. The outpouring of love has given us the strength and the hope to move forward after the passing of my mom. People have been so nice.

For those who know me well, you know the significance of this loss. My mom and I had an incredibly complex relationship but nonetheless one filled with tremendous love. Also this is a tremendous loss to my wife and children. They too loved my mother and felt a great attachment to her. Mom valued and treasured her family above all else, and she was there for every milestone in my life as well as my kids’ lives. Through good times and bad, she supported us every step of the way.

My mom --- Freda Stern was born in Shreveport Louisiana in 1930. She was fifth of six children, and one of four girls. They were very poor and lived in what I would call a shack. My mother and also her sisters – Evelyn, Sara, and Helen – often told me stories of wearing hand me down rags and eating watery soup for dinner. One story which sticks with me that my mom told me was that when was a little child she asked to bring a doll to school for a play and all the girls were asked to stand on the stage and rock their dolls as putting them to bed as part of the performance. My mom did not have a doll so she stood on the stage just rocking her empty hands.

Her father, Sam, was a scrap metal collector and never earned much. He then had a stroke and couldn’t work. Seeing him sick had a great impact on her life and she often spoke of his illness. My mom’s mother, Rachel, was not the most capable in terms of work and earning a living so they lived on community handouts, many from cousins and other Jewish organizations. The poverty and lack of attention in a household of six children impacted her her entire life. She never felt that comfortable socially. Although times were hard, she always expressed that playing sports, climbing trees and even teaching at the Hebrew school at the local synagogue sustained her to some extent.

Her two brothers – who both became doctors - stayed in the south while my mom’s sisters had the journey to New York City in the late 1940’s so my mother followed them hoping for a better life. She was armed with an education in secretarial skills, including shorthand and fast typing so she never had any trouble finding a job. She lived with different elderly woman in apartments throughout Manhattan and also with her sister Helen on the Upper West Side. During that time, she had an Egyptian boyfriend (my mom was quite pretty, you know, with those big watery blue eyes). She also was quite athletic and also adventurous and skied, swam and took ice skating lessons. She seemed to make a life for herself.

At the age of 34, she met my dad at a Jewish dance, and they were married shortly thereafter. My dad who many of you here today knew, was 39 at the time and living at home with his mother. He was also grew up in poverty in the Queensbridge housing projects which I assume brought a similar sensibility. He described himself as a mere shoe salesman with no car or money to speak of.

It took them five years and a number of miscarriages for me to finally arrive in 1970. My mom, in many ways, made me the centerpiece of her life. I know her objective was give me the confidence she didn’t have and that came through love and attention. I was also the apple of my three aunt’s eyes, all whom did not have any children.

My mom’s signature character trait was her Southern accent ---- and living in Brooklyn not many had heard such a drawl. I remember all the kids used to make fun of me when she came around the schoolyard looking for me and screaming “Paul Paul.”

As I grew up most of my friends can also attest to the fact that she always looking for me – she called dorm rooms, friends houses etc always making sure she knew where I was. My mom’s signature character trait was her Southern accent ---- and living in Brooklyn not many had heard such a drawl. I remember all the kids used to make fun of me when she came around the schoolyard looking for me and screaming “Paul Paul.”

As time elapsed, during my childhood, I realized, my mom’s main and best character trait was one of being a caretaker. Her mother, Rachel moved to NYC from Shreveport and we took her in. She lived with us ten years and although they had a strained relationship my mother fought for reconciliation and loved and cared for her mother as best as she could. She also cared for her sister Sara who developed paranoia schizophrenia. Sara sent almost every weekend out our house, sleeping on the sofa. She also put tremendous energy into my Aunt Helen and gave her the support and love she needed.

When my dad was alive, their main activity together was to simply come into Manhattan, maybe get a bite to eat, and take a nice walk. Sometimes they went to the opera, both being lovers of music. They really did enjoy each other and my mom’s care for my dad in final years with full blown dementia was a testament to her love for him.

When he died in 2009 she had the great courage to reinvent herself. She became active at a local synagogue, the Madison Jewish Center, took part in many support groups and even had a few boyfriends. She made many new friends also. Also during the last 10 years, she broke 3 bones and fought every time to recover. I think that is what she leaves me with --- that she was a true fighter and remained open to new relationships, love, and great compassion as she aged. There wasn’t a person she didn’t try to help and many people told how she helped them when they were sick or needed someone. She was always there.

Over the last few years she developed something called MDS which is a blood cancer --- and slowly deteriorated. She lived longer than expected and did not go gentle into that good night – fighting and fighting until the end and then letting go. Thankfully just a few short weeks ago she was walking around, paying her bills and taking care of herself to some extent.

There are a few final points I’d like to make about my mom. Even though she was uneducated in the classical sense --- she had intellectual interests – music – you would always hear WQXR on the radio which is the classical station, she loved to read and just finished The Sound and the Fury by William Faukner which she decided to read alongside Lucas as it was assigned to him for a school assignment. Also she went to a psycho therapist over the last 15 years to better herself and get to the root of some of her problems. Sadly she had no opportunity to get a true education in the 1930s and 40s in the South. My wife always tells me, she should have been a nurse or even a doctor like her 2 brothers

What saddens me most today is the loss to my children of their beloved grandma. She texted constantly with Lucas reminding him to be careful and not use his head in soccer and she loved to play with her beloved Hannah - they would draw or play with dolls and come up with fantastical stories. And she was always there for when we needed her. When Hannah needed multiple surgeries, my mom was by our sides at every step of the way. My kids have truly been blessed with a loving and caring Grandma. She was, among so many other things, their protector, teacher, and biggest fan. No matter what, my mom did everything in her power to put smiles on her grandchildren’s faces and make sure that they knew just how much she loved them. We are fortunate to have so many wonderful memories of my her. Specifically whenever she saw Lucas and Hannah - she had something for them, ice cream, chocolates, a book to write in, a small toy – something.

This is not goodbye Ma, You will always be loved, always be missed, and always be in our hearts.

Lastly I want to thank my wife – without her support – I would have never made it through this. I love you.

And also Hannah and Lucas. I know this has been hard for you.