Happy Birthday Mom. This is so hard. Dad and I are getting you flowers for your birthday. I know you will love them. I am sorry, it is hard to type through these tears. I will try to be happy for your birthday Mom. I miss you almost as much as dad does. I know you are at peace. That is the one thing that helps all of us get through this. I miss your laughter, I miss you.... so very much. I Love you Mom. Happy Birthday!

Hey Granny,
  I am sorry that i haven't talked to you in awhile but i have been pretty busy but guess what i finally got my baby sitting liecence i wish you were here to see it.  Well the past few days have been pretty lonely and today since i have a cold i think about you more than ever because i ams itting in the house alone in my house and nobdody to talk to nobody to call it gets pretty lonely and the only thing that you have to talk with is your mind but your mind can be a very scary place.  Well i am sorry that i dont leave very long messages i just dont really know what to say but its packed fullllll of love for you granny i love you very very much!!!!!!

Hey Mom, 

Well…. Three months ago today, was the last time I was able to hold you in my arms, kiss you and tell you in person that I love you. In some ways it feels so recent, and so unbelievably raw and fresh. Then in other ways it feels like soooo long ago, that I ache with wanting to be able to do it again, just one more time. Oh God!! Just one more time please??? But I know in my heart that one more time will still never be enough. 

There are so many things I want to talk to you about. Some are just silly, inconsequential things, like the weather, the Vancouver Canucks and their quest for the Stanley Cup and how they were beat out in the last game, how my daily life has been going and the little ups and downs. 

Then I also find myself wanting to talk to you about important things, like how your garden of family and friends is still surviving and growing because of the loving care and nurturing you gave to all of us, how you’ve created a wonderful legacy in us and how you still live on in all of us. I wanted to talk to you two days ago, and celebrate the fact that it’s been ten years since I quit smoking. I knew you’d be so proud of me Mom!! And even though I got congratulations from a few people about this fact, somehow my joy just seemed diminished somehow because I couldn’t hear YOU say, “Good for you, Cheryl!” And then I think about the fact that I will never hear you say those words to me again while I’m here on this earth. It hurts!!! Oh – not so much about the lack of praise, as much as the lack of hearing your voice saying anything Mom. I didn’t realize how much I would miss hearing your voice. Ahh! And your laughter!! I miss seeing you throw your head back with a good belly laugh, and seeing your beautiful face sooo full of pure joy!

I regret so much more than I could ever say that I didn’t spend more time with you while you were alive and able to respond to me. I specifically did NOT keep calling you once you moved to Oliver because when you lived in Chetwynd, it seemed that you’d get tired or frustrated by my calls to you. So I thought this time, I wouldn’t call so much and be a bother to you. And all that did for me was make me feel so horribly guilty, so extremely sad, depressed and even mad at myself for not taking the time with you while it was still possible! 

I keep remembering the very last time you spoke to me Mom. I was leaving the hospital to head back home to Kamloops, and I had given you a hug and said good-bye. I was just about out of the room, when you said in an urgent voice, “I love you Cheryl!” It caught me by surprise, and I immediately felt ashamed that I hadn’t said this to you first and was even leaving without saying it at all. I mean – you were in the hospital! So I went back to you, gave you a big hug and told you, “I love you too, Mom!!” I’ve wondered soooooo many times since then if you somehow knew that would be the last time you’d get to say anything to me. If that was you, in all your blessed wisdom, giving me one last beautiful message to hang on to once you were gone from this earth. I really can’t help but think that you somehow knew Mom! Either that, or God was able to make our last communication so memorable and loving, so that it would help me through the rough times that He knew were coming. Whatever the reason, I am soooo unbelievably grateful for your last message to me Mom. You know I’ve always been the odd one, different, and often so alone. And I’ve depended on you so very much throughout my life, with the family and with others, to help ease my way through things. No one has ever understood me and accepted me the way you always did. And I really miss this aspect of you too!! You were my anchor Mom! My rock.  

I just miss YOU. I miss every aspect of you, whether you were laughing, doing your funny ‘growl’, complaining about things, or just playing on your computer. 

I LOVE YOU MOM!

Love always and forever, 
Cheryl

Hey Mom, 

Well... for some reason, my last entry isn't showing up and this site has said my entry was "under review.” Whatever that means. ~shrugs~ Good thing I know you already heard what I said, right?

Sooo... it's Mother's Day today. And I've been trying to just ignore Mother's Day, cuz I didn't want to think about it, now that you're no longer here with me. 

But Mom? I know you’re supposed to be free and happy up there now, and I probably shouldn’t be asking this of you any more. I know I'm supposed to be all grown up now, being 50 and all, but I need you and your strength and wisdom!!! How the hell do I get thru this??? How did you make it thru Grandma's death? I suppose I should have paid more attention to how you handled it, but I just didn't think of it then. Now that I'm looking back, I wish too that I would have thought to give you more support when you were hurting over her loss. I really didn’t realize just how bloody hard it was for you. And if it’s anything like what I'm going thru, well...  

People keep telling me it’ll get a little easier with time. But honestly, it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier. It just seems worse and worse. The pain gets deeper and more invasive. I can’t seem to find any part of life that doesn’t get me thinking of you and all we did together and how you handled things. You were always such an inspiration to me. And I was hoping you could give me some of that inspiration now. Is this being very selfish Mom? Am I supposed to just back off now and let you rest, now that you’ve put in your time, energy and work on this earth? 

You see the thing is, I just don’t know how to get back into life and be fully involved again. It feels like a big piece of me is missing and I just don’t know how to do things any more. It’s kinda like those cartoons, where someone gets shot and you can see a hole in them and the sunlight shining thru the hole. Only for me, there’s no sunshine showing thru the hole. It’s just that bloody empty that not even the sunshine can come thru. And it’s soooo hard to see people, and talk to them and try to seem normal. It seems so strange that the world just carries on, as if nothing’s happened, when my world has been totally shattered, and I can’t even seem to find all the pieces so that maybe, one day, I can try to mend things. This is just so screwed up!!! 

Did you send Steve over to me today, Mom? It was such a blessing that he came by and just spent some time with me today. He knew how hard it was going to be for me, and he came by to visit and just spend some time with me. I can’t even say how much I appreciate him and how very, very thoughtful he is, and how caring he is to me. He has been such a very wonderful blessing to me and in my life. I know he is definitely an angel! I'm just wondering if you sent him or if God sent him to me. 

But anyway, this started out as a letter to say Happy Mother’s Day to you. Because even though I didn’t want to this year, I guess I'm just used to celebrating You in my life, and giving thanks for You and all you are and all you have given to me. So, I guess this year just wasn't going to be any different. So from the very depths of my soul, I want to wish you a very Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. I really do hope that you are free of all pain, worry, concerns and struggles, and that you can be truly joyful and happy there in heaven with Grandma and all your other relatives. 

I love you so very much, that there are just not enough words to capture and convey all my love for you. And the missing you is just as deep.

All my love, always and forever, Cheryl

Dear Granny,
Time passes and i wake up in the morinings thinkng you are still with us and head over to Papa's to come see you and i walk in and i am not greated by your heart warming hello and smile.  I still think that i am in 1 really big dream but every time i wake up i know that its all real that you aren't with us and i don't know what to do because i want to be strong for my family but it's hard.  I am very jelouse of all of my friends in class because they still have their granny's and i dont.  Some things we do in school is very hard because it makes me think of you. i could be writing peoms,listening to my teachers music,doing research, and just sitting at my desk picturing you in my head!  It's so hard because i want to cry but if i do i won't want to walk back in class it's hard because almost everything i do it makes me miss you sooo much more!!!
Granny i love and miss you sooo very much and i hope where ever you are you are very happy and i know you will make lots of knew friends and you will touch alot more hearts!!!!XOXOXOXOXOX I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!

well granny i have been thinking and i think it will be really hard for people to try and have fun and be happy on my birthday.  but i am worried that everyone will be sad and then i wont be able to celebarte my birthday.... i wish i was strong like you to get through it!!!!!i love you very much and i miss you lots

Well Mom,
It still seems so surreal with you not here to smile and laugh with me!I feel sooo lost most days and I keep trying to push forward even though my heart is in agony!I know you wanted all of us to continue on with life and make it as full as possible.But, Mom it is soo hard to keep pushing myself and everyone around me!! I know We all have our own process for learning to cope with the Loss of You! I really wish I had the same capacity as you did to help everyone else get through this!!But, I find it too hard to just cope with my own grief and frustrations over missing you every day!!You used to tell me 1 day at a time, but each day that passes just makes me miss you more!For me ,I have never planted soo many flower pots.I think it helps to soothe me in remembering how much flowers and gardening lit up your face and brought such wonder and excitement for you as you watched the flowers grow and bloom.

Mom, I miss you so much!! I do find myself starting to remenisce on little things you did, that brought such a warming smile to my face and it still does,Thank Goodness!!!

Dad seems to be coping a little more each and every day.The grief of losing your soulmate,I can only begin to imagine the agony he is going through!! If,it feels anything like losing your Mother, then I have a great understanding of the pain and grief that overwhelms him day in and day out!

Mom, I sure hope you are having a great reunion with your Mother, because it sure is lonely down here without you here! I still keep going to your house and expecting you to be sitting at the computer or in your chair in the kitchen saying hello Honey ,How are You. But ,Mom it hurts so much to enter your house and know you are not there and yet once I am there,I find it soothing somehow to just feel so much of your presence in there!

I still do not have any answers to all of my questions nor do I have any better of an understanding as to Why, You were taken away from us so abruptly! Cheryl has told me repeatedly, it is the will of God!! But I am still asking Why!!I guess for me it is not a good enough answer!

So, while I am trying so hard to understand and try to accept the will of God!!I am really struggling with it!!

Mom, I love You so much and I miss you immensely!!I am not sure how to go through each day without You,I just know ,I have to!!

Sooo Always missing You, Your Loving Daughter Caron

Well - it's Easter Monday and we've had the family dinner. It was really good food, great company, and an overall good time. There was just one big black hole for the day - YOU WEREN'T THERE!! 

So while you weren't there in person, I want you to know you were definitely NOT forgotten. I miss you so much Mom!! It's hard carrying on without you. 

Caron is keeping the memorial bouquet full of fresh flowers in your memory. And Caron and I planted 6 baskets of flowers for Dad. We also bought a hummingbird chime to hang in the yard. It looks soooo pretty - even with the yellow button on it. I felt a bit guilty having something there with yellow on it, but Dad likes it, and Caron seemed fine with it, soooo... ~smiling shrugs~ I guess this is just one of the ways that things are changing without you here. 

I guess you can see that Dad now watches ET Canada? I know you hated this show, but here again, it's one of the ways he's moving on, I guess. 

And I thought I'd have some support down here, when I felt swamped with missing you, and started to cry, but it's more like I have to keep it hidden. This really sucks!!

Like when I started crying because of seeing all the tools in the shed, and I felt engulfed in the memories of us gardening together last year... then I had to go cry in private. 

In some ways, it seems like I'm being made to grieve in private and I don't like it. But I guess it's  better in the long run, as I'm going to have to do this when I venture out into the real world again. 

And so far, I'm finding it hard to try to wish people a "Happy Easter!" or a 'happy' anything. I guess this will eventually get back to 'normal' too, but for now, I just don't feel very happy, and don't feel like telling others to be happy. ~shrugs~

Well.... I love you Mom. And I really miss you sooooooo much!! It's definitely a lot harder without you here.

I love you Mom!!! And I miss you so much!! Sometimes the pain of your loss is sooooo great, that it feels like I'm going to burst open from the enormity of it. Other times, I feel soooo lost and unable to continue without you. 

But I know this would not be what you would want from me, so I pick myself up each day and try to be strong and carry on without you. At times I don't think I'll make it, then at others, it's like I feel your spirit still guiding me in my life. 

I'm heading down to see everyone today. Seeing everyone will bring many different emotions, some good, some not so great. I'm hoping none of us make the feelings harder to bear by being together over this holiday weekend - our first holiday without you Mom.

You've been gone for one month today. It's strange that it's already been one month, because I still feel so raw! I miss you sooooo much every minute of every day. 

I love you Mom and wish I could give you just one more hug and kiss and tell you I love once again.

It has been a month since you were taken away from us Mom!!Every hour,Every minute,Every second of Every Day,I miss you!!!All I can do is look at your pictures and remember the Joy and Love you gave to us so unconditionally!!! I know I will never see the sparkle in your eyes and the beautiful smile on your face,except in my thoughts and memories!!!I am so overwhelmed with sadness!!!It's hard to believe that You are with God now!! I love You and miss You!!!

I Love You Mom!!!I am missing you soo very much!!1God Bless You and I hope you are at peace in your new home!!!I hope you are having a fantastic reunion with your Mom and Dad and Brothers!!!

AVIS DE DÉCÈS

Rita Marie McMullen

15 octobre 1935 – 17 mars 2011

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