Ashley Lynn Krivanek

Ash,

None of this still feels real. I still like to think you’re at home cooking a meal for your family, watching movies on the x-box while the kids are sitting on the counter eating everything. I like to remember the last time I was over to get paper for my film class and we just talked forever about whatever. I always felt protected around you. I like to think about growing up with you and how I always looked up to everything you did. From the music you listened to, to the way you dressed is the primary reason Tyler, Chanel and I have that punk rock side to us. You were the leader of the pack and now that pack is broken. I will never forget your presence Ash. From growing up and all the Disneyland and Mexico trips to now. You are everywhere I go. At home, the mall, the river, the mountain, the gas station…I will never forget the way Dallas and Holden ran into your arms when you came to pick them up after a weekend at babysitting. I will never forget how when it was time for bed and Holden needed the fan pointed at him to fall asleep when he couldn’t because he hated falling asleep without you. I will never walk outside and forget helping you take the kids to the car. I will never forget the last time you hugged Tyler because you were in the garage doorway and I was trying to get through. There are things that will stay with me forever because it is the little things that end up being the biggest things. You had such a wonderful spirit about you. You didn’t care what anyone thought because you were being you. I think we could all learn that lesson from you. You danced like no one was watching and it is because of you, I now will carry that attitude with me my whole life. You were such a special person Ash. Your memory will live on forever and we just have to remember the memories like Mexico and quading and your basketball games and when you had all your friends in our Arizona and let us not forget about the blaring of your drums and heavy metal music. Just know Ashley that nothing will ever be the same without you. Tyler, Chanel and I lost our sister and a piece of our soul and I say that speaking for anyone. Every day will hurt like new and knowing you won’t be at my graduation or your own for your nursing degree, or the fact that we won’t be seeing you get married or that you won’t be here to watch your kids grow up. However you will live on through them. They will know what a spectacular mother they had and how much you loved the,. Life is so precious so take the ones you love and hold them close. Nothing will ever be the same and you left this world with a piece of our hearts, All we can do is fill missing pieces with sweet memories of photos and words and find comfort that you’re watching over all of us. Rest easy Ashley. I love you, my big sister forever.

In my eyes my sister was perfect. She was the one person in this world I looked up to the most. I’ve tried so hard to find the right words to say but there are none. So what I want to do is read this passage.

“Your memory is our keepsake with which we will never part. God has you in his keeping; we have you in our heart.”

This is not goodbye my beautiful angel.

-Always your little sis NayNay

I feel like when people talk about loved ones at these sort of things they often give an array of adjectives describing how they viewed the ones who have passed. I could say Ashley was kind hearted, beautiful, free-spirited, and just a big ole dork; but something I think we can all agree on is she was a bad ass.

You know the age old competition amongst children that goes a little something like “My dad’s truck is bigger that your dads”? Well in this case my big sis is way cooler than yours.

My freshman year in high school a few of my friends and I started to get picked on by some juniors that were in our PE Class. After a couple weeks of dealing with it the final straw was getting a bucket of water dumped on us after class. Soaking wet at the end of the day I told Ashley what had happened.

The next day during lunch hour one of her friends came up to me. I don’t know his name but he was short, had a Mohawk, and was ripped. We called him “cage fighter”. So he came up to me and asked me to point out who dumped the water on my friends and I. It was a guy in the cool kid clique that nobody messed with. Cage fighter acknowledged who he was and I watched him walk away. He walked over to the bullies’ group of friends, talked for a minute, and then came back and told me I shouldn’t have any more problems.

The next day in P.E. the bully wouldn’t even make eye contact with my friends and I. I remember thinking dang my sister is a freaking bad ass! I know she would always have my back, and I hers. She was a role model of a big sibling.

I learned a lot from her mistakes, like how not to get your bedroom door taken off after an argument with the parents or how not to get caught ( notice how I say get caught) sneaking out of the house. But I learned a heck of a lot more from her successes. How to be a big sibling and protect those you love. How to show compassion. How to change a diaper. But mostly, how to be resilient. Ashley never gave up on anyone or anything she loved. She’d get knocked down and get back up cussing and asking for more. Like a true bad ass.

Ashley you quickly grew from my role model to my hero. And that title will never leave you. Just like you will never leave our hearts. We’ve always had nicknames for each other growing up, and I honestly can’t remember the last time you called me Tyler. I look forward to the day I hear “Hey dweeb” coming from you again. Until then, I’ll be thinking of you. You are my big sister. And I love you.