Dr. Catherine Ann Russell

The hardest place to start writing is when trying to write about someone’s end. It is even harder, when that someone was deeply responsible for your life and how you turned out. My Mom was too big of a personality to be summed up in a few paltry sentences but as her son I knew she would want me to do my best. In a way that was always my Mom. Constantly pushing me to be better than I was. Whether it was excelling at school, improving at doing a chore, or just learning to be a better person, Mom was always there. Now she isn’t.

To be fair, I am still coming to grips with that. I assume that many of you that are reading this are in the same boat. We have to accept, like it or not, that she is gone. As I write this though, I realize that my Mom is not completely gone. She is still here inside my head encouraging me to continue even though it is hard to write through tears. I still remember a lifetime of lessons and stories that she passed on to me. I still remember her strengths and her weaknesses, her triumphs, and her failures, and all the things that made her unique and special.

I still love my Mom.

Just typing that hurts. I suppose that in time the pain will fade but right now so close to her passing it just brings up a well of feelings. It reminds me of a discussion I once had with Mom. We had somehow gotten onto the topic of death and dying while chatting one day but what she said during that conversation stuck with me. I had asked her how she had felt when her mom had passed. She said she felt betrayed, hurt, and alone. She was a teenager when grandma passed suddenly, and it dropped a huge responsibility on her. She has a younger brother and sister that she had to take care of. She had to deal with my grandfather, which was no easy task. She had to grow up. She had to become Mom long before she gave birth to me. It had never occurred to me until that moment how much my Mom’s past had made her into the woman I knew. Most people would’ve despaired when faced with that sort of challenge. Not my Mom, she stepped up to the plate and knocked it out of the park.

That is how her whole life worked. Life would cook up some challenge and my Mom would rise to the effort and solve it. It didn’t matter what it was.

Her mother’s death inspired her to want to be a doctor. She couldn’t afford it and there was some resistance from her father. She resolved that by joining the military. She thought she would be a nurse in the Navy which would be good experience and that the GI Bill would help pay for her education. Life had other plans. The Navy decided she was a diesel mechanic. That threw her for a loop, but she rolled with it. She became an excellent diesel mechanic. While in the Navy she met my Dad, married him, and gave birth to me. When she was discharged, she continued with her plan. She used the GI Bill to go to college and earn her doctorate. She divorced my Dad but went to great lengths to make sure that I had a good relationship with him. We moved to southern California and Mom settled into working retail pharmacy while putting me through school.

The next big disaster was when the house we rented for years was sold from underneath us. Mom was not financially prepared for this but came up with a plan like she always did. We would temporarily move to a mobile home in Brea while she looked for a house to rent or buy. Ironically, her little temporary mobile home would become her real home for the next 30 years.

It was while living here that she met my future stepfather, Bill. Bill was an extraordinary person. He charmed my Mom with his intelligence, wisdom, spirituality, and hobbies. I loved Bill as well and it wasn’t long before he moved in. Bill expanded my Mom’s horizons. Mom was usually focused on her work, but Bill encouraged her to go out and do other things. Work is not life, he would say. They went on many adventures and were truly happy together. I lived with Mom and Bill through high school, my long college run and graduation, and my first professional job. It was during my stint at my first job that Mom collapsed one day. She had been struggling with weight gain and other health issues. I rushed to the hospital just as she was signing herself out. She didn’t elaborate on what had happened and basically told me that the doctors there were idiots. I was worried but as weeks went by and she seemed to vastly improve I stopped worrying about it. The reason this incident is important is because Bill was denied access to my Mom in the hospital because he was not related. Bill, after living for over a decade with my Mom had never proposed to her. Bill, realizing his mistake proposed to my Mom and she accepted. They were married in the Little Chapel at the end of the strip in Las Vegas. I was best man.

It was just before they were married that I ended up moving out. My first job had stopped paying me, I could not find work anywhere in California, and so I ended up taking a job in Georgia. Mom did not want me to move. I had been her companion since I was born, and she was not sure what life would be like without me. I had no choice. I had bills to pay, and this was the only opportunity I could find after months of hard searching. So, I moved to Georgia. As much as it angered my Mom, it is a testament to how well she raised me that I made it on my own and have done well for myself.

After working for almost 40 years as a Postal Worker, Bill retired. This was a huge event for my Mom. Originally, their plan was to have Bill retire first because his job was physically hard on him and then a few years later Mom was going to retire so that they could spend time together. Mom was deeply devoted to her patients and did not want to abandon them. Unfortunately, they never got a chance to retire together. A few years into his retirement Bill’s health started to fade. Mom was worried so she kept working so that they would be financially sound. Bill’s health continued to degrade and eventually he passed away. Mom was at this point alone.

Well, kind of alone. Mom had a large following of friends, family, and neighbors. With their support she continued to work, have fun, watch tv, play with her dog, and make food for anybody and everybody that came over. She continued to work and when Covid became an issue she started working from home, which suited her just fine. I visited every year during the holidays and Mom made sure that every visit was filled with good food, visiting friends, and genuine warmth and hospitality. She loved cooking and making meals for everybody. It was a passion that had started when she met Bill and she continued to practice and refine her skill.

Then a few things came up that changed everything for Mom. First, she had a bad fall in late 2020. She wasn’t hurt but ended up being stuck on the floor for several hours since there was no one there to help her and she did not have her phone on her. Second, shortly thereafter she caught Covid. Covid hit her hard. Without the help of her friends and neighbors she would not have pulled through. Still, these incidents sparked a series of conversations that led to her deciding to move in with me. It took a lot of effort but in 2021 she moved across the country and joined me in Florida.

The advantages of moving in with me were obvious. I also work from home, so I was at home during the day. I have a few roommates who are also available plus my Dad, her first husband, moved in as well. So, there were a lot of people she could interact act with, ask for help, and generally live quite comfortably. Her mobility was never great, so we brought her food, walked her dog, did her laundry, etc. In a way she lived like a queen here. I won’t say that every moment was pleasant but generally we all got along, and I was happy to spend time with her. I knew that with her nearby that if anything came up, I’d be there for her.

I always knew that Mom’s health was not great. She had this bad cough that she blamed on everything under the sun. She tended to tire quickly. Her ability to move was quite impaired. I knew at some point these things would come to a head. I just hoped that it would take a long time to get here. I figured five years maybe more but that was not meant to be. Just shy of a year and a half, she collapsed the week before her birthday. She was taken to the emergency room. The emergency room doctors were not hopeful that she would survive. Mom, of course, was too tough to let go right then and eventually they moved her to ICU. She spent a few weeks there as they ran tests and stabilized her. During this time, she continued to have problems thinking clearly on a consistent basis. The tests results were not positive. She was diagnosed with terminal stage 4 fully metastasized cancer. The cancer had already become established in every part of her body, including her brain. On thanksgiving, they discharged Mom to a nursing rehabilitation facility near where we live. She spent a month there doing physical rehab so that she could become mobile enough to come home. While she was doing excellently with the rehab she did not get to come home. She passed shortly after Christmas.

I visited her every day. Sometimes on the weekends multiple times a day. I spent as much time with her as I could. I brought her food and treats. I spent time playing games with her and telling each other stories about the past. Her ability to think clearly waxed and waned. I had to spend more and more of my time visiting her reminding her of what was real and what wasn’t. While it wasn’t always the best of times, I am glad I got to spend time with her before she passed.

I know that these few paragraphs are not enough to summarize the amazing woman that was my Mom. For those of you reading this who knew her you know how true my statement is. For those of you who did not know her well, reach out to those who did, we all have stories about my Mom. She was a character, outspoken, fiercely intelligent, stubborn as a mule, grateful, magnanimous, generous, annoying, funny, loving, and loved very much. I miss her and I am sure you do as well.

I started this out by talking about the challenges that my Mom faced. How she faced them fearlessly, stared them down, and conquered every one of them. Her final challenge was just human frailty and she faced that without fear. She knew she couldn’t beat this last challenge, so she was determined to face it with dignity and a positive attitude that was contagious. She did not want us to worry about her. Even near the end she was more worried about making sure that people got something for Christmas than her own well being. So, I am going to learn one last lesson from my Mom, I am not going to worry about her and just say goodbye.

Goodbye Mom. I miss you. I love you. We all miss you. We all love you. You can rest now.

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