Trudy Harwell Gray

In the early morning hours of February 3, we said goodbye to an unwavering source of warmth and love. Trudy Harwell Gray was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in early December. She died in her home, surrounded by the love of her daughters, husband, and brother, a brief two months later. The speed and aggression at which the disease ravaged her was dizzying but also a blessing, as her pain was short-lived.

Trudy was born in Philadelphia to Pat (née Patey) and Payton Oliver “Po” Harwell. Po was a career naval Commander whose job took the family up and down the east coast, where they lived in places as diverse as NY, PA, VA, MD, FL, and DE. This nomadic upbringing imbued Trudy with an outgoing, personable demeanor; she was able to befriend anyone and feel comfortable in any setting for the rest of her life.

In 1965, when Trudy was in Junior High, the family made their final move to Orange, CA. Trudy and her brother Bill attended Villa Park High School, then Trudy went on to earn her BA in Sociology at Cal State Fullerton. While in college, she was hired at Crown Stationers, a local office supply and gift store. Trudy and the store’s owner, Jerry Gray, quickly fell in love and married the week after Trudy’s graduation. Their romance endured for thirty years as they raised two daughters, Alison and Amy, and modeled a marriage built on love, respect, and shared humor.

A deeply empathetic soul, Trudy didn’t just care about others; she felt a responsibility to help in any way she was able to. Her philanthropic sensibilities ensured that she always made time for volunteer work. She was active in the PTA and as a room parent for both daughters, she delivered Meals on Wheels, she participated in National Charity League with her girls, and she was a member of the League of Women Voters. Whenever she could, she donated to organizations close to her heart.

When Crown closed, Trudy took a job as a scheduler for St. Jude Heritage Medical Group. During her time there, she worked her way up to Office Manager while still lavishing love and attention on her marriage and family, maintaining her social life, and remaining active in her volunteer work. There’s a reason Jerry referred to her as Wonder Woman.

When Trudy lost Jerry in 2004, her grief was crushing, but she remained strong for her girls, who were then in their 20s. Her brother Bill, with whom she had always been close, was her rock. While she never stopped mourning Jerry, she was always grateful for him and the life they built together. And as a social butterfly who was still too young to resign herself to widow’s weeds, she found love again with John West, to whom she remained married until her passing.

When Trudy retired from St. Jude Heritage, she and John traveled, enjoyed wine tasting, and hosted parties and dinners for their friends, of whom they had many.

Over many years, Trudy’s kidney function had declined due to the renal disease that runs in her family. By 2006, her kidneys were nearly useless and she was advised to start dialysis. But her best friend Jeanne decided to donate one of her kidneys, giving Trudy the ability to see her girls through two weddings and one divorce, and allowing her to be a Gigi to three grandchildren whom she absolutely adored. Family was always the most important thing to her; her love for them was fierce and unconditional. A force of nature.

Always defying doctors’ expectations, Trudy’s donated kidney lasted nearly 20 years, only starting to shut down shortly before her death – we were told she wouldn’t last two days. True to form, Trudy stubbornly held on long enough for John to get her home from the nursing facility, so she could spend her final days in her own house with her favorite things: her family and her cats, her kitchen and her music and her art.

Trudy is survived by her husband John, her daughters Alison and Amy (Ed), her grandchildren Holden, Ella, and Oliver, her brother Bill (Judi), as well as nieces and nephews.

Mom was my moral compass, my feminist icon, the angel on my shoulder and the voice in my head. She is the truest example of kindness, grace, and strength I will ever know. She navigated me through the darkest times in my life with empathy. She was Amy’s and my most ardent cheerleader, and she made sacrifices in the name of our comfort and well-being that far exceed maternal responsibility. She worked to make everyone else happy and she has earned her rest. But I know I’m not the only one who feels like she’s taken a piece of my heart with her.

Funeral services and reception will be held at McAulay & Wallace Mortuary in Fullerton on Feb. 28 at 2pm. A Celebration of Life will be planned at a later date, as Trudy wanted a party to celebrate a life well lived. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to Labradors and Friends Dog Rescue Group, The American Cancer Society, or the ACLU.