My name is Susan Coleman. I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ and I celebrate recovery from drugs and alcohol, depression and anger. I love the Lord my God with all my heart, and with all my soul, and with all my strength and with all my mind. This is my story of faith. It's about many of the obstacles in my life and how God gave me the strength to overcome them.
I was born and raised in California. I'm 67 years old, born to a father who was an aerospace engineer for Lockeed, and an artist, and myself mother was a legal secretary. They got pregnant with me in high school when they were 17 years old. They lived in the San Fernando Valley. My mother’s parents were very abusive alcoholics. My father’s parents were very loving and supportive. My parents got married and when I was born my father couldn't be there because he was already in navy boot camp. We lived with my father’s parents in the Santa Cruz mountains for awhile and then in navy housing in Long Beach and San Diego. We moved a lot, about 8 cities before living in Santa Maria when I was 7. My father worked at Vandenburg Airforce Base in Lompoc and went to school at night for many years. I rarely saw him. He was a workaholic and he was very strict. My mother suffered with severe depression and a food addiction. I have a brother 4 years younger and a sister 9 years younger. I have always loved them very much.
My mom took us to church every Sunday for many years. My father rarely went. Church was a very happy place for me. I felt that people there were normal and happy. My mom wrote the monthly newsletter and I played piano in bible school and occasionally for church. I loved Jesus from the time I was a little girl, and believed that he loved me.
As I got older things got more and more difficult. My mothers depression kept her in bed all the time. I was a kid with a lot of responsibilities. My homework, walking and feeding our dogs and cat, housecleaning, cooking, laundry, pulling weeds and watering the yard, piano lessons and taking care of my baby sister. I liked it because I felt grown up and my mom trusted me and gave me a lot of freedom when possible, but as I got older I became very resentful and used that freedom to get in trouble. I was also angry because I knew the family secret. My dad cheated on my mom many times. I was 6 years old when my mom told me "your dad loves the lady across the street". I vividly remember crying all night with her. My mom was madly in love with him, but he was never in love with her. I tried so hard to help my mom. It was one of my big secrets, that mom was in bed all week and when dad came home on weekends she would act like the perfect wife. I was so tired by the weekend I would sit on the couch and watch TV all day. My dad thought I was lazy and nicknamed me "bones" because I was "as lazy as a sack of bones." I hated that but couldn't speak out the truth and grew to resent the way he treated me. He was too tough on me and treated me like a boy. Because he punished me so severely I learned how to lie and manipulate at a very young age. He taught me that I had to be tough and never rely on anyone. He had no idea I was desperately trying to save their marriage. I suppose this is where my co-dependency began. I eventually grew to resent my mom for never telling him all that I did. It made me feel used and angry. I became a bully and started to fight everyone.
When I was 10 years old I had another big secret. My babysitters younger sister molested me. After a year I was so desperate for it to end, that for the first time I begged God to help me. I prayed and prayed to please let it stop. A week later we got a call that the family was moving. I was so grateful to God but I promised myself I would never reveal my secret, so after this everything changed. I had secrets. I was a liar. I had anger. I had no one to talk to. I didn't trust my parents. They never made me feel safe or loved. The damage was done and I resented my mother for her neglect. That's about the time I became anorexic. I didn't understand why, but I just didn't want to eat anymore.
When I was 13 one day my dad came home and said "We're getting rid of the dogs"! I couldn't understand the insanity of this. It made no sense. This was the day I realized just how selfish and cruel he was. One of the dogs was mine, a year and a half old puppy. I had begged for a dog for years and finally got one. I had promised to do everything for her, and I did. I loved her so much. My dad gave me 5 minutes to say goodbye, then took our dogs to a farm. I had a total breakdown that day. 2 weeks later he announced that we had to pack up, we were moving. It was shocking and tramatic. I was all ready to start high school with my friends. We hadn't even sold our house. So I had to say goodbye to my best friend Angie and start a new life in Santa Barbara. I found out years later my dad was in trouble with a married woman and that's why we moved so suddenly. I went into a deep depression that summer and finally understood what my mom had been through all those years. For the next four years we were hungry all the time and my mom and dad were never home. Mom had to work full time now. We didn't go to church anymore. I didn't play the piano anymore. I babysat several neighbors kids to make money but kept getting fired for having my friends over and drinking all the alcohol in their houses. When school started I met lots of friends and was immediately experimenting with drugs. This completely changed me. I started stealing and partying. I was stealing surf racks and car stereos, anything to get my alcohol and drugs. When I was 15 I finally got caught and went to juvenile hall. By the time I turned 16 I knew I was a full blown alcoholic. I had been drinking and doing drugs since I was 14. I was getting blackout drunk 5-6 nights a week. I'd been sneaking out of my house late at night since I was 12. I was completely out of control but somehow graduated high school.
I started working after I turned 18. I was a waitress and worked the graveyard shift for 3 months. It was good for me for awhile because I couldn't party at night anymore. A week after starting, my dad finally announced my parents were getting divorced. He told me to just not think about it and work. I became a workaholic and I learned to bury my feelings into work for many years.
I also began college. My dream was to be a professional artist. My dad called me one day and said he was going to give my car to his new girlfriend. He had given it to me 2 years prior. Again I couldn't speak up and say no, so I had to drop out because it was too difficult to carry all my art supplies on the bus.
One day my boyfriend Jim and I and some other friends were in a Mexican restaurant having lunch and margaritas. We had been living on the streets for 2 months. I couldn't live with my mom anymore, she went crazy after my dad left. It was October and it was getting cold so we came up with the idea of a surf safari to Mexico. 2 months later we left, no one else decided to go. It was the New Year in 1976. We packed up Jims motorcycle and took off for the biggest adventure of my our lives. We traveled all over the coast of Mexico for 3 months. It was very dangerous but I didn't care what happened to me. I didn't care if I died. I felt like I didn't have a family anymore. I was definitely trying to run away from my problems.
A week after my 19th birthday we decided to head home. We took the ferry from Puerto Vallarta to Cabo and when we arrived there were about 50 federales arresting passengers that had drugs. They had drug sniffing dogs that went through all of the vehicles on the boat. I didn't know that Jim had purchased Peyote and Marijuana right before we got on the ferry. He had it stashed in the headlight of the motorcycle. We had also befriended 2 guys and a girl who were also from Santa Barbara and we were driving around town with them a couple days before in a VW that we found out had 9 lbs. of raw opium wrapped in duct tape in the cars side panel. We were arrested and transported to La Paz. During that transport we were terrorized and shocked over and over with cattle prods. For 3 days we slept on the floor of the federales office waiting to be booked. It was one of the largest busts they ever had. I watched 30 men get torchered day and night. It was the most frightening thing I had ever been through. I was the only one that wasn't torchered. I know God saved me. Once again he answered my prayers. We were booked and charged with conspiracy. 5 years and 3 months was the minimum sentence.
I've always been so thankful for my relationship with Christ. I'm thankful that I could lean on him in times of trouble. Many times I had no one. He gave me comfort, and that gave me strength. He was the Father I never had and he never turned away from me, even though I was rebellious and disobedient. My favorite bible verse has always been " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13.
In prison I had been in the hospital for heat stroke, stung by a scorpion, room mate to a prostitute, survived a hurricane that killed 50,000 people, a bomb scare, a prison break and severe weight loss. I also read the entire Bible. It was the beginning of my recovery. I had no choice but to be sober and turn to God.
After being there for 6 months a strange woman who was there on visiting day randomly walked up to me and said to read the book of John in the bible 3 times and I would have a miracle. I did it immediately. I was desperate. And only by a miracle I got to go home. After the prison break Jims moms best friends cousin was to become the new warden for the jail. He asked the luitenant governor to help us and 2 weeks later I walked out without even a fine. It was so unbelievable that the inmates bowed before me in disbelief as I left. Jims mom and our attorney and I were invited to stay at the luitenant governors house while finalizing things. We were there for 3 days. I don't remember much, I had disentary and was very ill. I slept most of the time. During the hurricane we had to eat food that hadn't been refrigerated for a week, so I got sick. We flew home to L.A. and I kissed the ground when we arrived. Jim came home a month later. God was clearly working in my life.
I had a difficult time adjusting when we got home. I was fearful of life. Afraid to leave the house. So, I just did what I always did and buried it all into work and drinking. My home was now in Newport Beach with Jims family. We lived in Bayshores. It was a great life. John Wayne lived across the street. We did charity events and had big parties and we sailed on the weekends. Eventually I began to feel safe again.
A couple months later we got our own little place in Laguna Beach. It felt like a new beginning. Jim played in a band. There was a party almost every night and when he played in a bar I was allowed to participate ( even though I was only 19) because I was "with the band."
A year later I got pregnant for the 3rd time. I knew I was pregnant and wanted this baby. I hid it from everyone. I had already had 2 abortions. At about 4 months a friend realized and told Jim. He didn't want kids. He told me to get an abortion. I stalled and stalled hoping he would change his mind. The night before my appointment the baby was kicking. Even after feeling it, Jim didn't want it. My codependency was so severe that I couldn't speak up for what I wanted. Since I was so far along I had to be in a hospital in LA. The doctor told me I wasn't 5 months pregnant. I was 6 1/2 months along. The doctor tried so hard to change my mind. The nurses were almost begging. They even left me in a room for awhile to decide. There were protestors outside my window shouting "don't kill your babies!" It was torture. Then I decided I had to be tough. I couldn't raise a baby on my own. I had no family or friends through those years. That night I was supposed to stay in the hospital but I went home. I had a fever and was hallucinating all night. The next day it was done. I was never the same again.
A few weeks later I found myself on my bathroom floor on my knees begging God for forgiveness. I was hysterical. After about an hour of breaking down I heard Gods voice very clearly. He said yes I forgive you but you have to make me a promise. Next time you get pregnant you have to keep that baby. No matter what. And... whoever the father is you must stay with him. No matter what happens.
A month later I turned 21 and got a job in a bar. I was an oyster bar cook and bartender. I didn't drink at all for 2 years. I was terrified of the person I was when I drank. I knew this was dangerous territory. In the past I would drink until I blacked out or went into a rage. I just kept burying all my pain and emotions. 2 years later I started working nights because the money was so good and my manager had been asking me to for a long time. It was one big party after that. The bar I worked in was a famous Jazz Club. I had so many friends and so much fun. I waited on countless famous people. I could drink and smoke cigarettes as often and as much as I wanted. My addiction grew and then drugs came into play. I was tipped viles of cocaine regularly.
That year my best friend Angie was killed in her car coming home from work at night by a drunk driver. She was 23 years old.
3 years later Jim and I got married. We got married on a yacht in Newport Bay. Everything seemed perfect. Like most young people I thought everything would be ok now. It wasn't. He still didn't work. I had supported him for 8 years. He quit playing music. He cheated on me. Then he got sick and started having seizures. I was so afraid that I had an affair with a bartender that summer. After that we separated because he got arrested for running down the Main Street with a sawed off shotgun looking for me. I was terrified of him. He wasn't the man I knew.
A year and a half later we started going out to dinner a couple of nights a week. I was still afraid of him, but we had missed each other terribly. He went out of town for a couple days and he passed away in his hotel room. Alone. He had a brain tumor.
I was a widow at 28 years old. I didn't handle his death well at all. I had loved this man above all else. I started losing friends and drinking more than ever. I couldn't keep a job. My family didn't talk to me for years. His family disowned me. I was so angry with God. I had no support and I was full of rage. I became a sex addict, looking for love in all the wrong places. I would often have two boyfriends at the same time and still seek other men. It was a sickness beyond comprehension.
I finally turned to God for help. He gave me the strength to get out of denial, to recognize the patterns of insanity and to begin my sobriety. It was difficult, but little by little I drank less. I went back to school to get a degree in art and kept working at night serving cocktails. I tried to get sober for a year. I was doing better but still couldn't conquer it.
A couple days before my 30th birthday I was driving home from Santa Barbara early in the morning to get to work. I had been burning the candle at both ends. I fell asleep on the freeway and woke up 4 lanes over with people honking and screaming at me. It affected me deeply. Right then I realized I didn't want to die after all, and it was time to make some changes. I had hit rock bottom. I couldn't live like this anymore. God gave me some clarity that day, and I recognized a pattern with my choices and the result of those choices. That afternoon after taking a nap on the floor, I knew I had to get help. I was sleeping on the floor because I had no furniture. I had been living with a guy for over a year and we broke up. We were both cheating on each other. He stold everything I owned when I was at work, even my cat. I finally called the free clinic. When they asked me why I was calling, I told them "I'm an alcoholic." Saying those words was one of the hardest things I ever did. I began seeing a therapist, and I finally surrendered my life completely over to Christ.
Within a month my life completely changed for the best. I landed a dream job working in one of the top advertising agencies in Newport Beach, and I met Ron who is my husband today. 2 months later I was pregnant and 3 months later we got married. I had prayed and prayed for help and I believe God knew that getting pregnant and changing my life was the answer to my sobriety, and it was. I took my role as wife and mother very seriously.
The first few years were difficult. I found out on our wedding day that Ron was a cocaine addict. I knew he was an alcoholic, but not a drug addict. He hid it well. When Erik was a baby he didn't come home for at least 4 nights a week. He ended up in jail and I lost my job because I left work suddenly because I got the call that CPS was going to take my son. He was only a year and a half old. When Ron got out of jail he went to rehab for a year and things were great after that. We moved to Murrieta when Erik was 4 to start a new life.
This part of my life is like a blurr. Time flew by so fast with work and all of our activities. We had many happy years. Most weekends we were at the racetrack. Ron and Erik raced Motocross for 13 years. We tried everything to keep Erik busy, hoping he wouldn't follow in our paths of addiction and we worked very hard to keep him in private Christian school.
When Erik turned 18 everything changed. He had so many head traumas that year from football and motocross he had to quit right when he was turning pro. His doctor said to take 2 years off. He started tattooing and drinking for the first time. Then he broke a kids jaw and went to jail. His doctor mis-diagnosed him with bipolar disorder. They put him on psych meds and it was a disaster after that. He started popping pills and for the next 5 years he was doing every drug possible. He was in and out of jail, wrecked 3 cars and was fighting all the time. He eventually dropped out of college. These were the worst days of my life. I was so fearful he would die.
Seventeen years ago God led us to reach out to our church and we found Celebrate Recovery. Erik wanted to be sober and I realized I belonged there. I had years of being isolated. I had depression and anger and it was affecting all of my relationships. I needed a lot of healing from my past. I worked through two 12 step programs and attended CR weekly.
At the same time my husband started drilling oil wells in Pennsylvania. He was gone for 6 years. It was very hard being alone through all the difficulties,
but Celebrate Recovery gave me the tools and the healing I needed. I made friends and finally had a support system. It also connected me with God like nothing else could.
In 2010 my mother-in-law passed away suddenly from pancreatic cancer. She was the mother I never had and my best friend. This was the breaking point for our family. She was the "Rock" and now my family was looking to me to fill her role.
Soon after I met a young woman from a teen recovery group. Alyssa was a 17 year old with an amazing story. We connected right away and she came to live with us. I now consider her the daughter I always wanted. She has filled a void in my life that no one understands. God brought her to me just at the right time.
A year later Erik was able to quit the drugs but continued drinking. 4 years ago he ended up in ICU. He almost died from alcohol. The doctor said he should be dead, at least in a coma. His blood sugar was 960. I went into total shock, the room was spinning and I couldn't understand anything that was said. All I could think was "Lord, I kept my promise. Why would you take him now?" It doesn't make sense. Finally after a few hours the doctor said he's very sick but he will survive. 3 weeks later he came home. Ron had to leave immediately to get back to work in Pennsylvania. I was terrified to take care of him alone but somehow we made it. The doctors said he would get better after a year but he didn't. I was his caregiver for 3 long years. Again God had plans that I didn't understand, but today I do. I have witnessed a complete transformation in him, and I know now that God has big plans for him.
My husband no longer works back east. He's been home for over a year now and we've started a new company. This has been a year of healing for our family and I'm so grateful for Gods love and mercy.
I love this verse. John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, he gave his only begotten Son, and whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life."
Learning about my co-dependency has been a complex journey. I've learned that it began when I was a child as a coping behavior. In the past I lost myself in other people because I had no self-worth. I couldn't identify or express my feelings and I compromised my own values to avoid rejection. More recently I discovered I had been holding on to many resentments. All of my pain had turned to anger. The anger was always just below the surface. My husband used to call me "his little ball of hate". I didn't recognize it because it was all I knew. My mother was the same way. My greatest tool has been recognition,
because I was always so good at denial. My relationship with Jesus is what showed me the truth. By learning to recognize this and continually working on myself through CR and by accepting that God is in charge, I have been transformed.
Today I no longer live with guilt and shame. God has forgiven my sins so I have learned to forgive myself.
Today I have relationships that have been mended, including my parents.
Today love and compassion have replaced the anger in my heart.
Today I live my life filled with joy, no matter what the circumstances are. I live by Gods promises and I know I have a purpose and that I am of value.
Today I CHOOSE to be an obedient child of God because of my love for him.
Today Celebrate Recovery has given me the opportunity and the privilege of helping other women in their recovery.
Today I thank Jesus Christ for being my Lord and Savior.
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