Thoughts Of You

Now every time I think of this, my heart seems to shatter All over the room like broken glass. Seems unnatural, and maybe it is What awful hours I spent thinking of what to say The thought of you leaving us makes me shiver and quake! I wish I was dreaming, I pinch myself, and ask am I even awake! Will she cry now that she's gone? Will she watch over me? Will she get angry at my mistakes? Will she forget who I am before my time has come? Will she still look out for me? I'm her granddaughter and she's my grandmother. And she didn't even get to watch her grandkids grow. Thoughts flutter around my mind like butterflies: who will keep her warm at night or even crush her ice. Anxiety hits me harder than a bus on the 60 freeway. Anxiety fills me like a pool of water. My heart started to go faster as yours started to slow down My mouth was as dry as a desert, asking myself why. I heard them say, she's gone at 10:57pm. I remember it clear as day. First time I ever saw big brother cry. Tears pouring down our face faster than the oceans waves. And as days go by we act like nothing ever happened act like we've forgotten about you; only He knows we think of you everyday, every second of our lives. No more can I look to you for comfort or a hug when I'm feeling low. The laugh we could hear for miles down loud and clear, we all knew it was you. But when my time has come will you even recognize me? 
I think about you everyday, the times when I would misbehave and run to you to hide from my mother. When I would be crying and you'd wipe and eyes and tell me, just pray that's all I've ever had to do. But since you're gone what should I do? I can't pray for your return all I could do is just hope you're watching down on us. I wait for you to visit, or even for just a phone call, tell me you're all right or that you miss us as much as we miss you. The way you'd go outside at 5 in the morning praying for grandpa that'd he'd get to work safe. You'd stay out there for hours till he finally called to say he was at work. You were crazy, amazing, and the most spiritual person I knew. In and out of the rehab center all you'd hear from your mouth was, don't forget to feed daddy. And I just want to let you know, we didn't We do our best to make you proud, we feed him everyday. Your heart shaped earrings I wore to your funeral. I keep it with me everywhere I go so that I have a piece of you. 
The family slowly started to fall apart and as we try and fix it into place like broken puzzle pieces we think of you I talk to uncle he says it's not the same. In a way I think your death brought us closer. You left an impact on everyone you knew. I haven't yet seen mother cry, but I know it probably hurt her the most. To know that she was always at work or busy with us, she didn't get to visit often and neither did I. But as I watched you lay on the bed where the kitchen table was I knew your time would come close. And as uncle told us all to say our goodbyes I walked up to you held your hand and started to cry. 
Big sister had me go to the hallway with Reina I watched them take your body away, I cried hard... Little sister felt it in her heart that they were taking your body. She cried ten times harder than i did I held her, the way you would hold me when i was sad or upset I went to the mortuary, I saw your body, mom cracked jokes uncle started and cried silently, grandpa didn't say a word I stood there with grandpas arm around my shoulder and uncle holding my hand trying not to cry. I remember how beautiful you looked. But the thoughts still fluttered around me like butterflies, will she remember my face when my time has come? Or will she grow accustom to not seeing me everyday. 
I love you grandma, Rip.

Dear my mother in law 
          I still can't believe u r gone,  it feel so empty walking into Do house wt out u. Zhayden n Victor n I miss u very much. On Sunday 2/8/15, my husband n dad went to go pick up ur    ash from da mortuary n brought u home. Zhayden rite away say out loud, mom dAddy I see grandma look at us from da sky. Rite den n there I knew u were watching after us at all times. We miss u, one day we will meet again

Grandma, 
I don't know how to come to terms with reality, I cannot believe that you are in heaven and not physically here to hear your voice, your laugh, see your smile, or simply just to get a hug.. I am sorry that it took so long to meet your second born great grandson. Raymen and Jr. love you very much. It has been very difficult for Raymen because he still thinks you are at home. He tells me how he doesn't want any of this to be happening to his great grandma simply because "its not supposed to happen" I think he and I just always figured you were immortal, and always (AND I MEAN ALWAYS) be with us. I never thought there would be a day that I would be without you on this earth. I remember thinking what would I do if I ever lost you and I could think no further.. I couldn't even fathom thinking like that I just completely dropped that thought out of my mind. Seeing you on Christmas I thought you were fine, as if you were going to come home and be like any other day.. That was the second to last time I spoke to you and you finally met Jake Jr... You were so amazed that you cried with so much joy that you couldn't believe that was your great grandson. You couldn't stop telling him how handsome he is.. You waited over 4 months to meet him and I'm truly sorry..  Getting that phone call and text message saying you aren't doing well and the family has to discuss with the doctor and you on what the plan was.. It broke my heart. It has been so hard to let everything sink in and so hard to accept THE reality. My heart hurts and cries so hard for you. When I am around everyone I am the one trying to make everyone happy, smile, and stay positive.. Well simply because that is what you would have wanted. You were always so happy and stayed positive no matter what.. I tried to remind everyone of that as they mourned for you. I held myself very strongly to keep it together for everyone to make them smile and laugh.. In all it was so hard. When ever I am driving and listening to music I come to a sudden flood in my eyes and I can't stop crying without realizing that is why I am crying I am still thinking of you even when I am not realizing it. For a little while I thought I was going crazy and I finally seen I have not expressed all the emotions that are trapped inside of me.. You have always been there for everyone.

There aren't enough words to describe you.. You have always had a roof to put over someones head, a plate to feed someone, and even a whip to snap if someone was out of line. I will always remember you waking up every morning with grandpa just like clock work, you probably didn't even need an alarm. You would stay up reading the word of god every day rain or shine. I even remember when I was pregnant and living with you. You would cook me and Chantha so many meals because we were both pregnant and you were so excited because we were both having your grandkids. You were so excited you bought me and Chantha our bed sets and cribs. You have always taken care of me every little memory I don't think I will ever forget. Like when I was little you and grandpa used to cook live crab and would let them crawl around the kitchen to scare me and keep me out of the kitchen while you cooked. Or how you get mad at me for talking to much and say "EAT DON'T TALK." yet I would still talk your ear off because I was so busy trying to amaze you and grandpa with what I knew. Growing up you always would tell you "Kristina, you are my baby. You are an angel. You are born in December like Jesus so you are a christmas baby. You are a child of the lord, a holy baby. That is why your name is Kristina, like CHRIST, you are KRISTina, a gift from the lord." I will never forget that. I want to learn to have faith just as you did. I have adapted myself to stay happy as you were, dedicated as you were, love as you did, and have faith as you did. I will become a better Christian for the sake of being a peace and getting the answer to show the way through God's word. Thank you for being so supportive of me even when I didn't having the cleanest slate to judge off of.. You know I tried my best and I learned from all my experiences and mistakes. 

You always had the right words to say even if no one had a clue what you were talking about. You had a different mind set compared to everyone else. Sometimes everyone would think you were crazy... When in reality we should've seen what you were really trying to do... All you wanted was to bring everyone together. You were always trying to teach us forgiveness, love, family, and the lord. Your faith has always been the strongest and no one can ever go greater than that. I love you grandma and I am happy that you are no longer in any pain. No more suffering, and you get to just feel free. Knowing you, you are probably above us dancing in the clouds to your Bee Gees, Michael Jackson, or any other one of "your friends". You are now watching over Grandpa, Judy, Victor, My Mom, Chantha, Me, Jake, Zhayden, Raymen, Jr., Damien, Amber, and Reina... While eating all your favorite foods.. You always want to see everyone together and now you are able to watch all of us whenever you please.. I wish we were able to physically be with you, it hurts more now knowing that I can't physically have the chance to go back and make up for the lost time.. I'm sorry that I wasn't around as much as you wanted me to be with the kids... I'm so grateful you did get to finally meet Jr... I really never thought you would be "gone".. Everyone says "I'm going to Grandma's House." Without realizing you aren't there.... It is still your fortress... Nothing will ever change that... Everyone is so used to you being around.. I think I wasn't the only one who thought you to be immortal... Please watch over me, Jake, Raymen, and Jake Jr. Guide us and through our days send us the answers to go down the right path. I think at this point I wouldn't ask myself in the moment of decision, "What would Jesus do?" I would think... "What would you do?" I never realized how much you have rubbed off on me. I take after you with my attitude, my love for food, my love in general, my hardheadedness, dedication to what I am doing or what I want, and my faith.. I adapted so much that I carried your traits with me for so long without me even realizing it. Ever since you bought me my bible I have read it every day. I may not make it to church but I carry the Lord with me where ever I go. Thank you for being our ROCK, holding us together as much as you physically could, You still live on in each and every one of us. If you could only see how many people you have touched in this world and reached out to... You truly would be amazed at your work.. YOU are one remarkable woman and you took your calling from God and conquered ALL. 

All of our memories I will keep with me forever.. How I wish I could just bring you back and just cook for you all day... And let you play with Raymen and Jr. while feeding them all the food and junk food you want... You loved spoiling your babies... We are all your babies.... And we all want you to be at peace.. Thank you for all that you have taught me and given to all of us... I love you Grandma.. 

Please... Just stay with me...

Dear Grandma, 
I hope you're enjoying heaven the place you talked about the most. The first time I met you I already knew you were welcoming, nice, and kind hearted! and always made sure that I was fed! I'll miss everything about you from the amount of faith you had to the pad Thai ordering! I'll forever be known as Michael Jackson, thank you for a nickname that'll stick, every time I wear my hair curly I think of you and that day! Rest in paradise grandma!

"You love that gold around your neck,
And you love to write those checks,
And that gold around your ring,
And lord knows you loved to sing, to him.."
You were one of the biggest parts of this family, you left your mark on every single person who had the luxury of making your acquaintence. You will be missed dearly, 
Love, 
Noah

Dear Reina,

  Sorry for your loss. Don't worry, it will get better. She will always be with you in spirit. And always know that she is watching over you. 
Katrina Franco
 
  I missed you, Reina. My grandma passed away, too. 
Your friend, 
Emilio Rodriguez

  She was older and she died. Reina is sad and she might cry. You are my best friend.
Kevin Manzano

  My mom misses Reina's grandma. They were friends from dialysis. I'm sorry you lost your grandma. You are my friend.
Your friend,
Miranda Salinas

  I like playing dolls and ponies with Reina. I hope she will feel better.
Lupita Gonzalez

Dear Reina, Sang and family,

We are so sorry for the loss of your precious grandma and mother. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

Love,
Mrs. Van Rossum, Ms. Alma, Ms. Jackie, Mr. P and Ms. Christine

I am honored to be part of your family. We stood together in prayer, we both had the same goal, salvation for all our children and for every soul that walked passed us.  You truly were a blessing to us .  Thank you for all your kindness, love, blessings and prayers. I truly appreciate your genuine love for The Lord.  My best memories is our prayer time and going to see Benny Hinn. With love, The Weidner Family.

You were an extreme blessing and to many others.  Because of you and your prayers there will be many souls saved.  It was an honor to have you in my life.  My favorite thing was when we would sing happy birthday not the traditional way but with Jesus in the lyrics!   Love you!

Dear Grandma,
Well, I've never been one to write emotional letters, but I guess this is different. Grandma, I love you so so so so much! I know you're in heaven watching down on me, and I'm going to do everything i can to make you proud. I will never truly get over your death, I'll just learn to live with it everyday... But you're in  better place, and hopefully you're a lot happier. You might not be here physically, but you're here emotionally... Honestly I'll miss the way you used to spoil me and my brother so much! I miss the way that when I was younger you used to lay my head down on your lap, and you used to read to me little bible stories... But you always got your way... Even with your very last breath you got your way.. Nothing ever really changed. You fought till the very end, and I love you a lot more for that. I'm sorry that I didn't get the chance to tell you what i wanted when I had the chance to, but I didn't realize just how quick it would happen... I guess I just wanna say I love you a lot and you'll always be in my heart. I can't wait till I get too see you again .
Love you lots, Amber Weidner...

Mommy, 
I know your in a better place and you can watch over us like you did when you were alive.Your smile is priceless. Your love is unconditional. Your heart as big as the universe. My time with you was way too short but I know your speaking with Lord and preparing a place for us when we meet again. While I'm still here, I want to able to have the courage and boldness that you had for the Lord which never wavered. I'll love you forever and I'll see you again. 
With all my Love, JoyJoy

OBITUARY

Piyapan Srivilai Khiev

August 31, 1948 – January 12, 2015

Turner & Stevens Live Oak Mortuary & Memorial Park

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