Yesterday wasn't so bad but today is not good. Don't know why! Love you my puppy.

Joey's cat is here. Maddy must still have smells around. Her name is Kitty and she is beautiful. I think she misses her daddy. I bought her temptations, not too interested. I am so sore from cleaning your room and mine. Will have to do all over again, when Kitty leaves. Forgot about cat hair. Love you.

My Cousin Kevin is gone 20 years today, please tell him I still miss him!

Kath, 
Thanks for sign. Cousin Joey asked me to watch his cat for weekend. I so didn't want to be alone on the 4th.

Oh puppy girl, cleaning your room, found copy of polar express with note for tonight   KM

Thinking of going into hospital or else joining you. Trying to get house in order. So much stuff of yours and Megs.

Oh my gosh, damn it I wake up every day at 3 am. Is that when you left us?

Watching SVU and it's tearing my heart right out of my chest. I miss you more than you ever could've anticipated. God please please come back I can hardly breathe.

I am dreading the 4th, don't think l can make it!

Hey Baby girl, I am such a wuss. Been crying for an hour, just watched the episode when Derek leaves. So wish you were here. You would understand, but if you were here, I probably would not be feeling like I'm having a nervous breakdown. I miss you so much! I love you all the way up to the sky and way past California!

Sisters sent group text about the way we were. It was on. That song reminds me of you now! I miss you so much and I miss your sister.

God I miss you. It hurts. Been reading so many things that I want to discuss with you. Your absence is painfully obvious every day. Come back come back come back. Please come back. Undo this. How can this be real?

Puppy,
I miss you so much! Life is not the same. I miss your smile, your laugh, the way you always corrected me. I miss your love.

I've written to you but it hasn't come through. I miss you. I miss you so much and I wish I could talk to you just one more time. Please let me wake up from this nightmare.

Watched the Grammys. Lost it a few times.

Tomorrow will be my 3rd Birthday without you. I miss the flowers you use to send.

Thinking of you today and every single other day. Why aren't you here? None of it makes sense.

I miss you. Every day I have this feeling..I can't really pinpoint exactly what it is but I know it's you - maybe the feeling of you being here and the feeling of you being gone mixing together...It hurts and I don't know how to reconcile any of it. I miss you I miss you I miss you

Hey baby girl, watching Criminal minds and watched the one where JJ J left, made me cry. I think I told you that Derek left. Shemar started his own show . But Hotch is gone too!  Will and Grace are back as is the X files. Why can't you come back.? Please!

To feel deep grief is to have known great love.

26 months, seems like yesterday. Remember after Auntie Ann's wedding you said when you die, you are taking me with you. Little did we know how true those words would become. Please forgive me. I now know what it must have felt like for you!!!

There was no Anderson and Kathy...but you know what I saw the same day instead? Kathy got two puppies. She named them...Eliot stabler and Olivia. I know you had to be there for that. I miss you.

You should be here right now. Six years ago, you were. Six years. That's the last time I saw you, heard you, hugged you. I wish I'd had one more chance to see you. I miss you. And now there's no Kathy and Anderson..an awful end to another miserable year. Come back. Let's just start over.

Remember you use to have to wake me up to wish me a Happy New Year!

Hey honey, it's been freezing here. Will be for next 2 weeks. It has started to snow and I know how you love the snow!

Tell dad I said Peace full Birthday! It seems I miss both of you more as time goes on.
Jim, I'll see you when I see you! You were my soulmate. We have many loves but only 1 soulmate. Yes but I love you all way up to the sky and wasaaay past California!

Like many, I knew Kat from LJ and just discovered this page. So heartbreaking.

Peaceful 3rd Christmas  where you are my special Angel.
Tell dad I have been dreaming of him and wishing you both were here. Tell our family hello for me. 
I can't believe how much this hurts. It is a terrible morning.
Please be at Peace!
I love you. Still? Always and forever!!!!
Omya

Oh Kath,
I hate this time of year. I went up to Cape for few days.  Wanted to see James headstone, absolutely beautiful. His picture is on it. Joey is good for me but I got homesick. And of course today, all I am doing is crying. Only cried 2x up there, once at grave and once when song came on. I will read Polar Express tonight.

It's christmas Eve. I should be spending New Years with you this year. I should've spent last New Years with you. And I hate that I can't.

I will be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.

Mornings are the worst, just before sun comes up. I have been getting up between 2 and 3 am. Today I slept till 4.
I cry every morning. I miss you so much!  I hate this time of the year. Hoping to see you soon.

Still thinking of you daily. Been sick almost constantly. Missing you.

Hi sweetie,
It's snowing. I finally picked up Maddie's ashes. I think it made it final for me. When  I  come see you, I will bring her to you!

I think of you every single day. It still hurts just as much as it ever did. Why why why of all people did you have to be the one to go? I desperately want you to be here

I wish you were here. Having a hard time. The Orange man makes me crazy.

Things suck. I'm trying to pretend they don't. Come back and argue with me. Please?

No one remembers anymore 2 yrs. and 1 month. This 3rd year doesn't seem so different. I love you. Still?? Always!!!

It knocked the wind out of me again last night - the reality of all of this. This is the longest month.

Happy Thanksgiving, I am sure dad is whipping up a feast. Love you

I wish I could have too! And I of all should have. I hate November, I hate Thanksgiving. I hate a world without you in it. It still cuts like a knife that you are out of my life.

Brilliant as you were, I don't think you understand the power, impact, and importance a single person could have to another person. Or rather, I don't think you understood that you were one of those people - that even people who feel like they're nothing are actually holding up the sky for other people who know them; that there are perfect little places in another's heart where only they fit. I don't think you were able to grasp what going away would do to everyone else. There are quite a few of us, two years on, still just trying to breathe; as if we just got the news. That's how much you matter. I wish I could've made you understand.

Hey Cookie,
I was sick all last week, strep, flu, etc.
Just feeling your loss now. I do understand how you felt. I have become like you!
I'll see ya when I see ya!

Hey Cookie, Megs ran the Athens marathon. She was thrilled  and I am so proud of her. Miss you!

What an awful week. Month. Two damn years.

It feels like it was yesterday. It's turning my stomach to think of it - to think I'll never see you again. Got in the car to pick up cory and that song came on...idk the title but we caught it from the first note - first line is "it's been a long day without you, my friend, and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again..." Made my heart hurt. And why does Sarah Paulson remind me of you? I can't figure it out. Did you like her? Or is it her eyes and nose resemble yours? Or did I just confuse her and paget for a long time? Idk what it is. She was on Ellen - went through a haunted house - my fave bit she does each year. It made me half laugh and half cry bc every so often she'd turn a certain way or make a certain face and look a little like you. This has been a miserable two years. Absolutely miserable. I'm trying so hard to keep moving today - I'm trying to make this a good day bc I know you'd yell at me otherwise. I'm trying, kat. And I miss you terribly. You came to stay for the first time ten years ago last month. This isn't where we were supposed to be now. I wish we could start over.

Hey Cookie,
2 years, it doesn't seem real. Megs and I miss you very much. Love you chunch

Trying to stay busy today. Every time I pause and remember what day it is, I feel queasy. I miss you. 

I miss you Kat. Thank you for everything. 

I never thanked you before. I'm sorry for that, among other things.

Love you, always.

2 years already. I miss you, Tyger. I'll see you at the Gate. We all love you very much.

I don't even know what to say...I'm dreading the rest of this week.

Hi Cookie,
I hate Mondays especially this Monday

Hi sweetie,
I find myself falling deeper and deeper into depression as the day you left comes closer.  I find myself afraid of everything and unable to handle daily stuff.  What's worse is I have only person to talk to that seems to understand in my real life. I have plenty of on line support but it's not the same. The what if's and guilt are the worse. I have come to realize no matter how much therapy or medication, I will never be the old me. I love and miss you, please be at peace. Omya

I've been having dream after dream after dream about you. Last night was more of the same - me trying to get across the city to you and not being able to. The other night was a rare one where I was able to actually see you and hug you. Mostly it's just me trying to get to you. I've been grinding my teeth in my sleep as a result. My jaw is in awful pain most of the time now. I wish everything was different. I miss you.

Hey Cookie,
Yanks advanced in the playoffs but all I can think about is how you were here 2 yrs ago.

3 in the morning and sobbing again. Went to Grandys yesterday to find some papers. Instead found stuff from you and Megs to Grandy.

On the second, I kept seeing butterflies -- the same kind over and over again. Monarch butterflies. I've never seen so many of them on a single day before. I felt like it was you and then it dawned on me the funny irony of it -- Monarch butterflies. And what was your name on the message boards where I first met you? "Queen Kat." So hello, my sweet friend. I miss you more than I could ever express. I just finished a new book by Jhumpa Lahiri. Now I'm rereading the book you and I read. And I want to talk to you about it. I just want to talk to you again. Why couldn't I talk to you just once more? Just once? It hurts to think about. And it hurts knowing what day is approaching. And though part of me wants to be in the city for it, a bigger part of me just cannot bear the idea of seeing the city again. Will I ever return? I don't know that my heart can take it. I miss you so much. I'd give anything to undo all of this. I miss my friend. I miss my soul sister (yeah, cheesy phrase, but accurate). I miss my correlating puzzle piece. It feels like a cruel joke -- waiting forever to find a friend like you, spending the majority of our time being pulled apart by heartache and pain and struggle, and now losing you for good. No one will ever replace you in my heart. Not having you still hurts just as much as it did that first day.

Wow playoffs are here and I don't care, even though the Yanks are in.  You were here 2 years ago.

I am up again, crying because I have no one to turn to. I miss you and Megs. I may check myself into a hospital, if I can find one that is good. Oh gosh, I now know what you were going through trying to find good Psych care. I am afraid if I try, I would live. You were so brave my baby!

I can't do this anymore. Too many mornings waking up at 3 am and sobbing my eyes out. Funny, it hits me in the stomach and works it's way up. No one gets it anymore except my groups. I miss you and am waiting for the day we are reunited.

I'm realizing that nothing about me, physically or emotionally, will get better now that you're gone. I've been through a trauma and it's changed my whole body and mind. But I have never blamed you, or wondered why. There is no reason why; we're all just doing the best we can. I love you so much, and I miss your light shining on me, keeping me healthy and alert the weird way that you do. I need to exercise my brain now to get better, I need to work on things in myself harder without you. Wish me luck, Kat.

23 months and I am a mess. I just want to hear you laugh again and correct me when I say something wrong and see your devilish grin. I miss you.

I miss you. I want to talk to you about Marilyn Monroe and the book about Bellevue and the sims FreePlay game and the madness in politics and some podcasts I listened to that I know you'd love to discuss but that make cory queasy. Oh Kat, please come back.

I miss you like crazy, I am in a nightmare that I never wake up from. A lot of my posts don't make it but you know I think of you everyday and night. I HATE THIS.

You should still be here and I hate that you aren't and I wish I could go back and change everything. I don't know that my heart will ever be able to heal. Its still as unbearable as ever. 

I miss your aesthetic. I feel like you'd understand what that means -- the feeling and essence of you; talking to you, being around you; all of the things you loved, you watched, you gravitated towards; the television shows, the types of books, the style of clothes, the music, the movies, the words; the feeling of YOU. I miss it. I miss you. I miss the unique aesthetic that only existed in you. There are ways it can be seen again - like in how you and your sister stand the same way - but all of the different little idiosyncrasies that precisely and specifically came together and were you... I miss them. So so so much.

First time ever, I haven't voted. Between Sunday and yesterday, been feeling lost. Watched some of the WTC horror until I realized how over 200 people lost their lives.. 
I don't think I am strong enough to survive this. 
I love you! Still? Always and forever.

Hi sweetie, Couldn't write to you , too emotional. I love you.

Hi Cookie, 
Michael and Kathleen had a 3 rd baby, 2nd girl, no name yet. I know I should be happy but something is making me sad.  You know, love and miss you!

We're getting close to two years. Two damn years, Kat. It feels like the day after I found out every single day. I keep pleading with the universe to undo it. I keep pleading with life to go back to the way it was when you were here and I still had that tiny piece of naive hope left in me; when I was so sure that this would never happen simply because I believed it wouldn't. It feels like all bets are off; like there's no safety or stability..not that there ever were any guarantees in life...but I was able to pretend there were even when it felt absolutely impossible and hopeless; I could dupe myself into believing in another chance. I can't now. That went with you and good god does it hurt to have lost both. Twenty two months today and it still hurts terribly every day. This is what complicated grief looks like, isn't it?

I'm so sorry kat. I'm so sorry life was so poorly timed in every way. That everything missed by a matter of moments; that if this and that had just gone slightly different - if we'd paused for a moment or walked a little faster...you might be here. It's hurts. Not having you here on this planet...it's devastating. It's never not devastating.

Having a tough time. Thinking of you and Megs and how he was here 7 years ago. Damn seems like yesterday. I love and miss you both!

It still hits me like a punch in the stomach. You've been in my dreams the last two nights but I can't remember what happened in either one which is really frustrating. Gillian just turned nine. NINE. When you were here, she was three. I can still see the two of you talking in her room. You were there when she said her first words. You should still be here. You wouldn't believe how grown up she is. I can't believe how much time has gone by..when that person said "time heals all wounds.."...what the hell were they talking about? It hurts worse now than it did a year ago. Can't we just take it all back and start over? 

Hey Cookie,
Solar eclipse today, you were here for last lunar eclipse. Miss you!

Hi Puppy,
Realizing why August is so hard. You came home 2 yrs.ago and then of course dad. I miss you more than ever.

Hi honey,
Aidan went to away camp. We can email him. Remembering when you and Megs went away. I'm sobbing. 
So sorry to the both of you. I miss you and love you.

Hey Cookie, 
So many things I write do not go through. I miss you and dad and Megs.
I will have 1 ok day and 6 really miserable days. I would have gone completely around the bend if not for the support of other loving parents.  I miss you my sweet angel.

Oh lady I miss you. I want to talk to you so much. I think of you constantly even if I don't write it here. I see the train constantly and it makes me think of you. Things on the news. Things on twitter. The book I'm reading about neurology - I want to talk to you about it. Of. All. People. WHY YOU??

It was my birthday on the 26th. Only my sister celebrated with me. I'm alone, and I wanted you there. I was doing very well for a while, maybe was even on the brink of being "OK" but birthdays have a way of reminding you where you've come from and where you're going. I'm going nowhere, and to make it more painful: I'm going nowhere without you there. I hope your spirit can help me in these next few months, like you seem to have lately. Traveling through rough waters now.

Hey baby, you were represented at the TCF conference in Orlando, and your name was read aloud in Scottsdale, AZ.
So glad I found these groups, they get it. 
Love you.

Hey baby,
Think about Maddie every time I walk past cat food aisle. Missing her and you.

OBITUARY

Kathleen Ann Murray

March 4, 1983 – November 2, 2015

Chas. Peter Nagel Funeral Directors

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