Pamela Evelyn Kulfan

Mom had a green thumb. Nobody is exactly sure where she developed this skill, but if you had any plants that you had given up on, you could always drop them off with her in hopes of a miraculous turnaround. Mom had a way of surprising you, because oftentimes she would share wild tales that seemed so unfeasible, leaving you with doubts only to be completely shocked after finding the evidence to validate it. Other stories will have to go unsolved, because I don’t know of any witnesses to her, not one, but two lighting strikes.

Pamela Evelyn Kulfan was born in Dayton, Ohio on May 30 in the year 1955. But if you asked, it was 1957. Her father Stanislaus Kulfan was the product of Polish immigrants, and her Mother Vesta’s family hailed from the hills of Kentucky. The pair met while attending the University of Dayton and had five children, Pammy was the baby of the bunch. To Mom, she thought she got the short end of the stick, because by the time she was entering her teen years, her mother was already battling cancer and her eldest siblings were making way for college. Her father was working for Alcoa, and her mother had been a painter. Vestas paintings were still life, oil on canvas, often containing fruit, or sea shells as the subjects. To Mom, her greatest pain came from those years looking after her ailing mother as the youngest child, it was something she didn’t talk about too often. The pain she bore was just too much.

Mom did like to share anecdotes to her Facebook page, some of which could be revealing.

Pamela Evelyn Kulfan

September 17, 2013

“I have PTSD... I was born on the original Memorial Day... I was the youngest of five... Sent to Catholic school... met JFK... I was 3... than he was shot... I stepped on a bunny when I was 8... and he died... got braces... wouldn’t smile... for 2 years. My mommy got sick with cancer when I was 12... And died 4 years later... my favorite brother died in a car accident when I was 23... Woe is me.

So feeling sorry for me... kinda... but 50 ish... is good...

Whatever... my life is pretty damn good... at least I never had a loved one Gunned down... but I still have PTSD...

Mom didn’t speak about her PTSD often. She always told us that “You have fifteen minutes per day to feel sorry for yourself”, it’s ok to feel sorry for yourself, but keep it to just fifteen minutes a day. She was full of this kind of wisdom.

Catholic school and its structure was no sort of place for Pam. I recall a tale of her telling me about how the nuns were so cruel, and that one day she showed up to class wearing go-go boots and one of the sisters paraded her around to each classroom to humiliate her and make an example out of her. Those nuns may have placed hands on her, but they would never have a hand in determining her future.

When Mom was just 18, her and her best friend Carol embarked on a European adventure together. I like to believe that it was this trip in which her wanderlust was born. She loved to explore new territories, she wanted to experience the world and everything it had to offer. Some memorable trips we took as a family include; Mexican border towns like Nogales, The Grand Canyon, Sedona, Venice Beach in Los Angeles, St. Maarten in the Caribbean, and in 2023 she finally made it to Costa Rica with her husband, Jeffery.

They had already made arrangements for their next adventure, the wild Savannah of Africa, but tragically that trip was cut short. They did however manage to squeeze in a number of exotic excursions to places like Jamaica and Hawaii, and they even made it as far north as Alaska.

Pamela had her first child Danielle in 1974 when she was just 19 years old. She married her first husband Jim Belfield and they had another child whom they named Brian. They lived together in Brown Deer Wisconsin in a house that shared land with Tripoli Golf Club where Jim was the superintendent. Danielle later became known as Danie, and played a pivotal role in mom’s adult life. She would go on to help support our mother Pamela when times were rough, and even introduced mom to the most important man in her life, her loving husband Jeffery.

Mom divorced Jim and met her second husband, Vincent Toma. Their relationship began in Milwaukee, but they were married in Las Vegas and took up residence at Lake Point Tower in Chicago. Shortly thereafter, they relocated to Milwaukee, Wisconsin and ended up having two children together, Vincent Jr. and Amanda Toma.

Our beloved sister and Pamela’s first born left this earth a few short months before mom did, she was just 49. Danie was survived by her wife Melanie Vigh, and their beloved dog Frida.

Nobody was better at delivering a compliment, and if they were, they certainly did not have Pam beat for most attempts all time. She was in a category of her own when it came to genuine interactions, you need only meet her once to know what I mean. I remember when I was a teen, and we were living in Glendale Arizona, our house was the place to be. I cannot count how many friends throughout the years asked me if Mom would adopt them, some of them would go behind my back and straight to Pam herself trying to make their own case for abandoning their family to join ours. We never had much to offer, but what was found at our household was a sense of belonging, a place free of judgement and full of possibility. That was all mom.

In 1989, Pamela, Vincent Sr, Vincent Jr. and Amanda relocated to Las Vegas. They lived in Desert Shores, a recently built complex in Summerlin, after spending a month living at the Stardust Hotel on the strip. Vegas didn’t last long, and Pam and the kids relocated back to Milwaukee, Wisconsin landing in Whitefish Bay. Vincent Sr. stayed in Las Vegas; they were eventually divorced.

In 1994, as the warmer months approached, America gathered ‘round their TV sets to watch the O.J. chase, Pamela stumbled upon the idea for her next great adventure. Her friend Marrie, a former neighbor and current Bay Area resident told Pam that she could come to California with the kids and explore new territory, joining another single parent under one roof to collaboratively raise their non-adult children. By this time, Brian was 17 and living with his father Jim in Wisconsin, and Danie was in college, studying at Wisconsin Lutheran College in Milwaukee.

Marrie was living in a small rental house in Mill Valley when Pam arrived in the summer of 1994 with Vincent Jr. (VJ) and Amanda in tow. They ended up moving to a larger rental home up the hill, a three bedroom home split between seven people; 3 adults, 4 children, two of which were teenagers. Kevin and Arianna were Marrie’s teenaged children, Collin was in his twenties and wasn’t around much. The house had some really fantastic neighbors at the time, most notably the legendary Jerry Garcia and Grace Slick. To get to the tiny town center, one need only walk down a thousand wooden steps that cut down the hill like something out of a Tolkien story.

It's in Mill Valley where Pam worked for Pete’s Coffee and made the best of her time there. She would take the kids into San Francisco for day trips to Fisherman’s Wharf, or to experience El Dia De Los Muertos in the Mission District. Countless times she made the trip to Stinson Beach, blaring Nirvana and taking the winding mountainous roads with ease, while poor VJ would occupy the backseat and suffer from car sickness, only to be completely rejuvenated by the battering of waves provided by the mighty Pacific.

In late 1995, Vincent Sr. re-entered Pamela’s life. He arranged for her to move the kids to New Jersey. When they arrived in the fall of 1995, living arrangements were not quite prepared. They’d spend their first week on the Jersey shore, dining at Dunkin’ Donuts for breakfast each day. Eventually, they ended up in a rental house right on the water in Toms River. This stint did not last long.

In March 1996, Pamela, along with Amanda and Vincent Jr., boarded a train to the midwest. Their first stop, Philadelphia, where they had a short layover, but long enough to visit the Liberty Bell. Final destination, Madison, WI.

Pamela Eveyln Kulfan

November 4, 2013

Walking with Charlie... amongst... golden... red... brown leaves... recently fallen... piles of leaves... that my memory... had forgotten... as a child of the Midwest... I loved to rake up... And jump in the fallen leaves of autumn... my siblings pouncing on me.. .in play... our flannels on... checkered red and black... the leaves crisp like potato chips... but not breaking our lovely rhythm... Where did you go autumn... of my past... how could life be this cruel... separating me from what was supposed to be... into the middle age of my life... not giving me a chance... to play in the leaves with my parents...

At the time, Brian was attending college at the University of Wisconsin Madison, an invitation he was rewarded as an Evans Scholar. Pam’s first apartment in Madison was right downtown, near campus in a neighborhood full of college-aged people. There was just one other family in the neighborhood with school-aged children, I know because we were the only ones to get dropped off by the bus in this area. One night, Pam attended a parent-teacher conference at Randall Elementary School and met another parent, Melva, who had a kid named Shane in VJ’s grade. Melva told Pam that downtown Madison is mostly students, and that she ought to find an apartment on the westside, somewhere more ideal for children. So Pam did just that. She moved the kids to the Hilldale Towers at Rennebohm Park, just a couple addresses down from Melva. Pam got a two bedroom apartment, the most she could afford at the time, she shared a room with Amanda and let VJ have his own. The apartment was right across the street from the Wisconsin Department of Transportation on Sheboygan Ave, where Pam ended up working.

With over three years spent in Madison, Mom had a dream that would change the rest of her life.

Pamela Evelyn Kulfan

August 15, 2013

So fifteen years ago I met my husband... Jeff... I was living in Madison Wisconsin... working for the DOT on Sheboygan Ave... Vince & Amanda Grace Toma were just kids... I had a dream and in my dream it told me to move to Phoenix Az... Before moving there I visited... and met Jeff... I can't say what we did... the day ,& night we first met. But I can say it was love at first sight... 15;years later we're still together... Some of r kids still don't approve... and it breaks our hearts... but if they understood our connection... they would want too ... thanks to Dakota, Kim, and Danie

If we didn't meet... Jeff & wouldn't have the greatest marriage connection ever...

I love my man... my best friend... my perfect lover... and by the way... he can fix anything...

Love u babe...

South Milwaukee boy...from your North Shore lover...u not only rock my world you design it...and keep me ...steady...

Pamela would spend the rest of her days with Jeff. They lived in Phoenix, Arizona, then later onto Coos Bay and eventually ending up in Portland. Jeff’s work would take them to San Clemente, California, where they learned to sail and dreamed of worldly adventure. The pair spent time in Illinois living beside the great Mississippi River where Mom would spend her days writing and taking care of house and home. Jeff was the love of her life, and she was his.

Pamela Evelyn Kulfan

November 9, 2014

It has been six weeks since I have found my new home on the Mississippi...We traveled 2000 miles to Oregon ...our Troutdale home...saw Amanda Grace Toma...our daughter...fixed stuff in our house...traveled back to Iowa...another 2000 miles...moved to Illinois...stayed two weeks in Wisconsin while Jeff Smith did his stuff in Chicago...stayed with my son and played with grandchildren... came back tonight with Charlie...it's just him and me on the mighty Mississippi...Jeff has two more weeks of training...I have two more weeks of becoming a big girl...not being scared...I am actually doing okay...our home is big and old and beautiful...the river makes me happy...I am thrilled to be home…

Pam and Jeff would welcome two beautiful grandchildren by way of Brian and his wife Leilani. They named the kids Jim and Kaia. Mom was so proud of those kids, they brought her immense joy and proved to be a sparkle in her life.

For the past six months, Mom was recovering from illness and in tremendous fashion. When it came time to say goodbye for the last time, none of us were prepared. As I write this, my only wish is that she could have had the last say. She was better with words, she was better with people. Nobody was better at delivering a compliment, she had a knack for knowing what you needed to hear.

On April 16, 2025, we said goodbye to the woman that shaped our lives in ways no one else ever would.

Pamela Evelyn Kulfan

September 6, 2013

My anniversary day & night was magical...I think I have been away from the Midwest too long. Jeff surprised me with dinner at a very cool spot along the Mississippi...The 26 mile drive along the Mississippi ...made Me feel like a kid again...beautiful corn fields...old farm houses...restored...the Mississippi in my view always...once we got to the restaurant...it was like going back in time...then 50 people came in and they were from France...didn't speak English...perfect...so after our appetizers...the French were out smoking...I said let's join them...I closed my eyes...listened to their beautiful voices and said to Jeff...let's pretend we're in France...thank u Jeff Smith It was a perfect time...love you...

To be continued…

She loved nature. She often spoke of birds and how they might be someone who has passed away. Maybe they served as her inspiration in life. Birds migrate, and so did mom. She loved a new place to call home. She brought her stories and shared them with anyone who cared to listen. She was as beautiful as the song a bird would sing. She had no attachments. She made due with what she had and made the best of what was gathered. Now I, too, will listen and watch as birds move to and fro and listen to their song and wonder, is that you, mom?

- Brian Belfield

As long as I could remember I feared the day my mother would leave her earthly body and I no longer would hear her beautiful laugh, see her dazzling eyes, nor be told that everything would be okay. I’m not sure if this is normal for children to be all consumed by the very notion that someday their parents would cease to exist, but for me it was all consuming, for years, I felt the anxiety creep in, it would keep me up at night and I often found myself, making promises to the universe in order to keep her close, to keep her safe. Perhaps, deep down, I knew that someday she would be taken from me, way too soon, or perhaps the universe does not make promises it cannot keep.

To this day, my mother has been the most influential person in my life, she is and will always be my first love. After all it is your mother who teaches you how to love.

It would be dishonest to say that our relationship was without its obstacles, but my mother was the one person I could always count on, especially on the days it mattered most. Losing her has felt like being lost at sea, continuously wandering, not knowing which direction will take me to shore, take me home. She was my beacon, shining so bright, now I fear that light will be diminished evermore.

It is difficult to imagine a future where she is not center stage, birthdays and holidays will feel less joyous, less significant, however, when birds sing their sweet melodies on cold winter days, or rosebuds begin to bloom in the early days of Spring, or the trees dance in the autumn breeze, I will think of you and all the memories shared, I will tell you about my day and I will once again feel her warmth upon my face.

I love you, Momma. Forever & ever ‘til 130,

Your loving daughter.

- Amanda Toma

I remember the day we met that summer in 1998 like it was yesterday. We both were wearing daisy dukes, and we laughed about that. You were so beautiful, and your smile was to die for. We sang Karaoke together and you had the voice of an angel. I fell in love with you that night and just knew that we would someday be married. Now after 25+ years of marriage I’ve learned to appreciate and love you in so many more ways. We have had our share of ups and downs, but we always came through stronger because of our unrelenting love for each other. You are the love of my life, my best friend and my soulmate. Now that you have passed on way too early (which I will never understand) know that I will love you until the day I die and hopefully then we will be together again. Sleep well my love, until we meet again.

Your Loving Husband,

Jeffery John Smith