Mary Allstetter Lairon

Mary Anne Allstetter, a fourth-generation native Californian and third child of Jane Darsie Allstetter and William Raoul Allstetter, was born October 17, 1948, in Palo Alto, California. In 1950 the family moved to Bethesda, Maryland. Early on, Mary demonstrated her compassion for the less fortunate, including animals, often bringing home strays for adoption.

In 1963, the family moved to Oklahoma City, where Mary attended Casady School, a small college preparatory school. Although she arrived in sophomore year and encountered a close-knit class of fewer than 60 students, many of whom had been together for years, she quickly made close, lifelong friends. An insightful profile in her school yearbook admiringly described her “unparalleled combination of zany cheerfulness and intelligent candor.”

Mary attended Stanford University during the tumultuous years 1966-70, participating in many protests, studying in Italy, and graduating with a bachelor’s degree in anthropology. Her early immersion in activism sparked an enduring interest in politics that lasted throughout her life. There was little she liked better than to sit down on a Sunday morning to watch Meet the Press and Fareed Zakaria.

Mary earned a teaching certificate from the University of Oklahoma, as well as a master’s degree in counseling psychology and a doctorate in cognitive psychology from the University of California, Santa Barbara.

She enjoyed a long and successful career in education, mostly in the San Francisco Bay Area, which included stints as a teacher, a principal, an assistant superintendent in the Redwood City Elementary School District and associate superintendent in the Mountain View Whisman School District. She also served for several years as the executive director of the Whitney Education Foundation. After her retirement, Mary continued to mentor educators, tutor students and served on the Board of ACE Charter Schools.

Mary was a strong advocate for less fortunate, vulnerable students and a fierce supporter of teachers, whose vital importance and professional expertise she championed throughout her career. Her love and enthusiasm for children was more than an abstract professional pursuit; Mary never hesitated to get on the floor with a young nephew or niece to talk and play or take them out for a treat.

In 1977, she married fellow educator Daniel Lairon III. They were together for 32 years before Dan died in 2009 of a heart attack. They lived primarily in San Jose, where Dan served as a much revered principal at several schools that served underprivileged children of many races and ethnicities. After Dan’s sudden death, Seven Trees Elementary School was renamed the Daniel Lairon Elementary School, then the Lairon College Preparatory Academy, in his honor.

Mary and Dan enjoyed a robust social life, centered around their children, their swim and tennis club, and many, many friends and relatives. Mary loved to entertain and was renowned for her enchiladas. She thought nothing of hosting a holiday meal for 25 or a fundraiser for a favorite charity.

“I am outgoing and so value my friends. Friendship, honesty, and respect … a willingness to laugh at oneself and … admit mistakes make any relationship richer and more fun,” she once wrote about herself. “I so enjoy having a group of friends over, eating well, and having great conversation around the dinner table.”

From her mother, Jane, Mary inherited a love of gardening and creating floral arrangements, becoming a member of the San Jose Garden Club and volunteering at Filoli Gardens in Woodside. She loved both golf and tennis, and, although a fierce competitor on the court, she never let competition get in the way of her cherished friendships. She was a lifelong fan of the San Francisco Giants and Stanford football, often texting commentary back and forth with her sister during the games.

After retirement, Mary traveled widely from India to Italy, China, Chile and Tanzania. At her 50th high school reunion, she reconnected with an old schoolmate, Dr. Michael Nagle, and the two enjoyed a rare and delightful relationship for the final six years of her life.

Her strong community was reflected in the many, many people who visited, sent best wishes and flowers, and contributed meals during her illness. One neighbor commented that so many people loved Mary that the waiting time to contribute a meal was more than six weeks.

She is survived by her deeply loved children, Daniel IV and Darsie, sister Susan Neufeldt (Max), brothers Frederick Allstetter (Gustavo) and William Allstetter (Kathleen), many nieces and nephews, as well as a large and loving tribe of in-laws from her husband Dan’s side of the family.

A memorial for Mary will be held at 5 p.m. Friday, June 24, at the San Jose Rose Garden, with a reception to follow at her nearby home. If you have COVID or have recently been exposed, we ask you to protect the vulnerable and elderly by not attending the services. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to the Ace Charter Schools.