Jean Adele McIntosh

If there were any rhyme or reason for things that happen in this world, my sister Jean would now be writing words to commemorate my own passing. Being three years older, and having been advised more than a decade ago that I'd not likely survive past the end of that year; and having lived the first half century of my life with much reckless abandon compared to my cautious and careful sister, I always imagined that she would likely outlive me by twenty-five or thirty years. But her untimely passing has reminded me of what I've always known, though perhaps tried to forget; that absurdity appears to be the guiding force in this world. So here I am now looking back at the closed book that was my dear sister's precious life, even more convinced than ever that our lives are largely determined by our genes and our good or bad luck.

I guess that all our lives are a big bag full of mixed blessings and curses. Jean had some of the best luck anyone could ever hope for in her life, along with some of the worst. She was smart and beautiful, clever and resourceful, diligent and determined, and genuinely compassionate, caring and loving. All that she ever created and accomplished she did on her own. And by the time she was stricken so suddenly and severely by this terrible disease, she was on the verge of being finally able to live the beautiful storybook life that she had worked so hard to earn and that she so truly deserved.

Having left Michigan where she had been born and raised in 1982, Jean spent the next thirty years creating a wonderful and rewarding life and career in British Columbia. During those years she had overcome some serious setbacks, but had finally achieved what most of us always hope for--true love, true friends, a rewarding career, and a beautiful home in a beautiful place. She had it all, in spite of having lost her first true love and husband Dennis Barkman to a terrible cancer, survived breast cancer herself, and survived the trap of an abusive marriage relationship from which most women would not have had the strength to escape. We all believed that Jean and Mel were set to enjoy many golden years that would surely be the very best years of their lives for both of them.

But what was so amazing to me about her life during her last two or three months was her calm acceptance of the terrible bad luck that had crashed her life so unexpectedly. I think I would have been very extremely bitter about such a cruel and undeserved fate striking right at the very moment when everything in my life was finally really coming together so beautifully. But in my frequent conversations with Jean during the last two months I sensed no bitterness or anguish over the bad hand she'd been dealt. Perhaps the best proof of her ability as a trauma counselor was the counsel she was able to keep with herself in the face of such a terrible turn of events.

Jean was always someone who could make lemonade out of lemons, or at least recognise that mistakes or misfortune offered an opportunity to make a better choice next time. And she was always sure to correct mistakes and to put problems behind her as quickly as possible. I remember the trauma Jean suffered in first grade when the teacher, Mrs. Porter, would not let the students use pencils with erasers, because she wanted to see the mistakes her students were making. Jean hated this, because she knew when she made mistakes and wanted to correct them right then, without first showing them around to the teacher or anybody else.

I think Jean always knew exactly what she really liked, wanted, and needed to live each and every day with a sense of accomplishment and some satisfaction. I guess I mean that she wanted the most she could get out of life on a regular daily basis. I think Jean had very few 'bad days' during her whole life. Her outlook was always so positive, and she never spent time looking back; only doing the best she could from where she was right now. This ability helped Jean tremendously right to the very end, I am sure. During one of our conversations in the last month, she mentioned more than once that the only thing that mattered at this point was to try to make the best decisions moving forward from where she found herself today. I believe that her final decision to go as she did was what she truly knew was the best decision, calmly accepting the reality of that situation.

Jean and I had spent a week or more together in Vancouver in August of 2009, during which we observed my 65th birthday. Speaking reflectively as I was of such a milestone event, I told Jean that I felt very fortunate to have even lived this long; and that if I dropped dead today my last thought would be that I'd been extremely fortunate in life and just glad for each precious day I'd had the privilege to enjoy. Jean reminded me last month of this feeling I'd expressed on that occasion, and went on to say that she felt very much the same; that she'd had a really good life and had done more in her sixty-five years than most people would ever even dream of doing.

I don't think Jean left this life with any regrets at all. We often discussed how the circumstances in which we find ourselves today are completely and entirely the result of EVERYTHING that ever happened to us from conception right up to this very minute. That means that even all the bad things that ever happened to us are just as important as all the good things. And where Jean found herself for the last year and ten months was in love with the most wonderful man she had ever known, Mel Pfeifer. She told me that since she had found true and everlasting love with Mel, everything else would be okay, no matter what it was. She had found all she wanted and needed, and I think that made it all something she could peacefully and willingly now give up.

Our hope for Mel is that he may continue to live in the comfort of knowing that he and Jean had a love and understanding that continues between them, death notwithstanding. I'm sure Mel will sense her continuing loving presence in their beautiful home. The home is Jean. There's just no doubt about it. We wish you all the best there can be, Mel.

I regret that neither Dad nor I are able to join you for this celebration, but I do look forward to seeing those of you I know, and others of you I don't know yet, when I may have a chance to come to Vancouver again. Love and best regards to all from Jon Mc Intosh.

These remarks and reflections delivered on 13 July, 2012 in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

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Jean Adele McIntosh, age 65 years, passed away peacefully at Lion's Gate Hospital in North Vancouver on June 19, 2012. She is lovingly remembered by her partner Mel Pfeifer, father Robert McIntosh, brother Jon McIntosh, niece Shelley Jones, other family relatives and many, many friends. Jean was predeceased by her mother Ruth McIntosh and first husband Dennis Barkman. Jean was born January 1, 1947 in Lansing, Michigan and lived most of her early years there. She emigrated to British Columbia in 1982 to be by the ocean and mountains near, and in, the Vancouver area. Jean studied psychology in universities in Michigan and Tennessee and graduated with a master’s degree at a young age. She had a long and very successful career in the profession in both the United States and Canada and was working as a trauma counsellor until a few weeks before her passing. She loved her work and the opportunities it presented to her to help people and appreciate human behavior. She was a talented musician and performed popular music of all kinds as a vocalist and instrumentalist throughout her life, and loved ballroom dancing. She had a passion for travel and did so widely throughout the world including numerous ocean cruises. Jean had an uncommon ability to turn her dreams into reality by her own resourcefulness and diligent effort. She was very action oriented, lived each day to the fullest and had an uncompromisingly positive outlook on life. Her acute appreciation and love of the beauty she saw in nature and the goodness she saw in people was extraordinary. She was beautiful and very stylish and her careful attention to detail and exquisite taste in dress was widely admired. Jean will be remembered fondly for having an exceptional ability to relate compassionately to others. She had a wide circle of close and devoted friends and will be forever remembered. She was one of a kind; an original, unforgettable, and we will not see her like again.

In lieu of flowers donations may be made to The Canadian Cancer Society.