I haven’t wrote in a while. Things have just been crazy and I’m working too many hours. I started a new medication to help with the constant visions you left me with. I think it might be helping a little bit. I’ll know soon. I just started it. i’m so blessed that I have Ryan, who is the best counselor in the whole wide world, I have always wished that you would have known him. I feel like you would be here today. He knows he can’t change my heart and my soul an pain. He understands that, but he to cope.I’m laying here looking at my window, it’s snowing. Thinking about how much you would enjoy this winter because you would be skiing and snowboarding. I really struggled New Year’s this year seems like every new year. My heart just breaks a little more as time moves forward for others. I will always be in 2013. Some people think I should not be hurting this bad still. And then I don’t ever want to talk to them again. I miss you every day. Please give Bailey and kitty and Ollie a kiss on a nose for me. You are all very much missed and loved.

I also want you to know. That.Lilah knows you. I was trying to post a video of her looking at your photos and Jacob Jacob Jacob. She’s four years old and she knows her uncle. I’m sorry I bring on such sad thoughts all the time when I talk to you .. but to be honest it’s the only place I have where I can put my two feelings out. People will say oh my God think positive to blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah. I do think positive but when it comes to you. I feel pain and so much regret that’s not going to change, and I have learned to understand myself in this journey and because of Ryan,, who is the best counselor in the world, he has taught me so much. I’m not as hard on myself. I have learned to not self punish myself for not being able to save you and walking out of your bedroom door that morning that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt every day. People have to either accept me the way I am or not at all and I’m proud of myself for getting to that point. And my grandbabies are going to know their uncle Jacob and I’m sure they’ll be on a damn skateboard making me crazy like you did. 🩵😂

Jacob Jacob Jacob I miss you. You are so heavily on my mind, but I will say I had a really good day. Got myself out and got my nails done. had a drink with my friends. It was just a good day. My friend/boss at Talbots Lindsay. Lost her brother to suicide three years ago. I’m not sure what brought us together. But something did there is such a strong connection with her like I’ve never had before. It’s like she’s known me my whole life… we will just say stuff to each other and laugh so hard and I feel like I’ve known her forever like she is my daughter from another life. Some things just can’t be explained. then tonight I met this woman named Lisa. I feel like for some reason we’re going to have a friendship. It’s crazy today was just a remarkable day. and here is the negative. My Christmas regret not picking you up. when you called and asked me to. I was so angry about the drinking and drugs and I will never forgive myself for not sitting things aside on Christmas day and I hope now that you’re in heaven, you will forgive me for that and I need to learn to forgive myself for so many things. It’s crazy when you think you’re the best mom in the world and then you realize the choices you made that you’ve thought were the best ever for your kids were actually going to turn out to be the worst.(I really wish this site would fix my grammar.).. anyway I’ve learned that to tough love isn’t the answer ..so many people put it in my head. I can’t go back and change things, then there was that crowd of people who thought I babied you too much. Of course I did. You were my first love. The first boy who truly loved me, and the only boy I knew would never leave me. There was a special bond between us. And that’s why my heart bleeds every single day and I hate when people think it’s been 10 years and I should be over it. I will never be over any of it every moment of every day you’re there anyway Jacob merry Christmas to you. My Christmas present too is that I’m doing OK 🩵🩵

Time to send me some more strength. I’m trying to work hard to get that turbo for my car. So dangerous to drive .and pay my credit card debt before the new year.. I don’t think I’m gonna  make my goal but at least I tried you’re just gonna have to be my angel so no one hits my darn car. I haven’t felt like doing much lately. I’m really exhausted and you are keeping me up at night and sometimes affecting my job. You know I love you, but I sure wish you were here for Christmas and every day. I wish I could see your face. I wish I could hug you. You were the last boy I will ever love. . sometimes I think if I had to do it all over again I wouldn’t. But then I think of all of our good times and I believe I would 10,000 times to do it over again even to live with this pain every moment of every day and you know you are forever, my baby boy I love you

Wrenley has  the Jake smirk.. the three of us are twins on that.

Wow, Lilah seems to be turning into a little artist like her uncle Jacob. We talk about you all the time. It’s like she knows you. and every single time she brings up your name she always has this big smile. It makes my heart happy to now I have another grandbaby, but I keep forgetting that I do because I was not a part of anything so it just doesn’t seem really yet she’s a cutie, beautiful smile and everybody thinks she resembles you. She even has that smirk on her face. I know that you are a part of them and how much you watch down and protect my babies. I think of you all the time. too much actually. hurts my soul. Ryan, helps me a lot but there’s only so much someone can do. I bet I think about you over 50 times a day with those visions going through my head so thank you for bringing a piece of yourself to my beautiful granddaughter’s. It’s amazing just how much they are you I love you, Jacob.

I must say you certainly are a beautiful boy. With your big eyes gorgeous smile sometimes I harsh. But I love you and I miss you.

Hi, been thinking about you a lot lately. I can’t honestly say they’ve been good thoughts. I feel angry, anxious and depressed. Maybe it’s the holidays. maybe not. it’s crazy how I will remember. Something that I didn’t remember from the day you died. Then it just brings everything to surface of what else did I miss? I’ve came to the conclusion that I’m never going to move on, and I will continue to live my life alone. you took my soul and my heart and it breaks every day. There’s no room I can put somebody in between that. anyway I’m waiting for my boss to call me. Hopefully, it’s not another crash in my life. Things were good and then they go bad. It’s always that way. I feel like I don’t fit in with friends here or really anywhere. I blame everything on you. Other than car breakdowns and stuff like that I blame my health on you. your death took a  toll on me.. I’m blessed for Ryan,. He’s the best supporter I have in my life. I wish he was your counselor when you were here. I feel your life would be so different. would have been anyway. Not sure where I would be without him. Well my new granddaughter sure looks like you so that’s made us smile. She has those big brown eyes just like you. I do have the most beautiful grandkids in the world and I’m still going to pray for a chance for a good whole year in my life. I haven’t given up yet on that. how could you say goodbye without saying goodbye?💔

Happy Thanksgiving, Jacob I miss you. I’ve been so down today. Just been pretty much laying in bed no Thanksgiving invites lol I’m not used to that. Give kitty and Bailey a kiss on the nose for me. I love your baby boy.

I know that you love having your dog back. We miss her, but she’s in good hands with you. I think about you every day. The grief never ends… It’s like I think of you every second every day no matter what I’m doing the trauma this has left me with has really affected my daily life. But I do love you so much and I hope you are happy wherever you are, you’re always going to be my baby boy.

I miss Kitty’s so much. I’m feeling super depressed and very alone. Send me down some straight like you do when I ask I miss you Jake.

Well, I hate going to bed and crying almost every night. I don’t think one person in the world knows that I feel no better today than I did the day you died. I’ve learned how to mask my face, but it’s not how I feel inside. Physically mentally, emotionally. so I thought I would lay here and start thinking about good times.memories we had like how much fun we had dingdong ditching with your friends. Really thought I was a cool mom.. and you always having to sleep with me.and me kicking you out of my bed. riding the horses going to the movies. And movie night at Home every week. there were many good times, but there are so many mistakes I made as a mother getting married and divorced.And again married and divorce. I seriously thought I was the best mom in the world and then after you died, I realized I wasn’t.  the guilt  I feel walking out of of your room that morning.and every thing I saw that stuff doesn’t go away ever. you get worse you don’t get better. i’m so blessed. I have the best counselor in the world without Ryan,. I don’t know how I would get through my week. I think a lot about if only you had known him then because you would have really liked him. I hope you’re in heaven thinking about the good times we had and all of our candy runs our date nights Jake I wish I wasn’t still so angry. A month after you died when had injuries became a huge big nationwide crisis. I’m so angry still I am. you had 12 concussions. and a fractured skull. and no one would listen to us.. I know what you did. Was it your fault and I know how much you struggled with migraines and the fracture skull made you change a lot. None of that was your fault. It was the system that failed you. I can’t count the places we went to to get help so I’m not just angry with you. I’m angry with everyone, I want to to thank you for all the fun we had. My birthday is Wednesday and I was reading the very last birthday card you ever gave me it was filled with love. The treasure of that card. Love you,

I miss her painfully. I hope you are with her. She’s very special and I know you’re keeping her happy.

Jacob I miss her so much. Did I do the right thing? Should I have listened to the vet? I know she had more time she was suffering, but she was so strong and she didn’t want to go. She was still playing with her toys hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life (Well one of them.) when Bailey went, she was ready she couldn’t move. But kitty that’s a different story. all I feel is guilt but even though they said the only way she could possibly make it is if they put her in a hospital and then surgery, which would be $10,000 and she’s 10 years old. I miss her. I feel sick. I can’t sleep. I just want to have a sign that she’s happy. I hate the guilt I carry in my life. The day I had to take you off life support. It’s just guilt by Carried every single day. I’m gonna try really hard to work on it and somehow knowing my heart that you’re all happy Bailey and you got your Ollie back and now you have kitty and I know you will think she’s just a special as me and fall is coming. Which means Christmas is coming. I already bought a Christmas tree for kitty because I know she never had a Christmas before.. could she had made it till then.💔 I should’ve taken her for a second opinion. Why do I make so many mistakes not feeling sorry for myself I’m owning my mistakes in life and there’s been so many anyway I miss you, but I could use some strength if you could please send me down some.

Tonight you were at a football game having so much fun and laughing with your beautiful bright smile. And tomorrow morning, you decided to end your life and the next day you were pronounced gone. my world stopped. Yes ,it seems like there’s always some tragic in my life since you left. that’s because it’s been that way recently. My car breaks down and cost thousands of dollars and then my dog dies and it’s a week later and it’s the anniversary of you dying. (not sure why it’s called anniversary but anyway.) I’ve met some great friends here. But out of nowhere one showed up tonight I didn’t expect Laura. I was sitting there with Kathy and I sent out a group message where I was at. And her and her husband came. There’s something in my heart that just stopped. I was so touched. My heart was just happy that she was standing there. And then something happened through the evening. And she had my back I seriously feel like because ,I’m so spiritual. You sent her there. i’m going to forever freaking love her. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anything quite like that. and then I got my friend Michele. Her birthday is tomorrow and I knew I needed to be home so I can wake up and have our morning coffee together. Sweetest soul in the world. But I don’t like to put my pain on her even though she sees it. Jake it’s been a struggle losing kitty. Because she didn’t wanna leave me. It was the most difficult decision I ever made other than taking you off life-support.I think all my guilt is just crashing in.. I know my pain shines through writing to you. But I spend my days as positive as I possibly can, and I’m always trying to find something good each day and understand that when people are in bad moods, it’s because they’re hurting and to show them extra care and love. I need to remind myself to do that more often. I miss you so much and I hope you’re wrapping kitty in your arms. My heart is crushed.
I love you so much, baby boy and my heart will forever bleed.

Kitty is now in your hands. She’s been throwing up. She can’t keep any food down. The vet came to my house. She has a huge tumor by her bladder and her body pain was worse than I thought. Please wrap her in your arms. This freaking hurts so much. I didn’t save her. She saved me.

So hard to believe Lilah is four years old today. I think back when you and Brooklyn were growing up at this age. So carefree and happy learning new things every day. I’m soaking up every moment with her that I get time just goes by so quickly. I miss you. I was thinking about you a lot today at work a job I love so very much and the best boss I’ve ever had. I feel like I have finally achieved something positive that won’t go into a negative. A little something that I so needed in my life my boss sent me a message today telling me my numbers are the highest in my store is number one. I’m just really excited how much he encourages me to do good and appreciates my work so that part of my life is really looking up a lot. Well I’m really tired so I’m going to sleep. I love you so very much forever my baby boy.

Hey Jacob. Could you please watch over my friend Michelle’s grandma where she undergoes heart procedure in the morning. Watch over the family and my beautiful friend. I very much appreciate it. Love you and miss you so much every day.

Kitty is doing so good. She knows she’s never gonna be hurt anymore in life. She’s safe the life. She had really took a toll on her. Makes me happy to see her happy. I know how much you would love kitty. You probably couldn’t carry her like you did Bailey. But you never know… I don’t have my glasses on so I have no idea how my words are coming out. I miss you like crazy.

There’s not a day goes by, that I don’t see you

Please, please watch over your sister and Meeko… that dog is her whole world. He’s very sick. He’s not eating. He’s throwing up. Going to the vet at 7 AM. And I really need your help. I love you, baby boy.

I’m remembering how mad you got when your birthday fell on Memorial weekend because all your friends had plans with their parents to go away. But you still ended up having the biggest parties ever. I’m feeling really alone lately in  this world.. but I do try every day and I know you know that. Didn’t really hear from anyone on your birthday. I think I’ve been a little depressed over that. Typically, I spend your birthday with friends not by myself. Well, I hope you’re having a good time in your other life. And things are good for you. I love you so much.

I sure do miss you. My heart is heavy, and my soul is crushed. You can’t imagine how difficult life has been since you left, but I try to remember the good times I had with you and forget about the bad. It’s been a long day with moving my stuff and kitty isn’t acting herself. And of course I’m still sick, but I’m making the best out of it. Little sad that my friends haven’t really reached out. Please. Keep an eye on kitty for me. I know you would love to have another doggie in heaven, but I’m not ready to lose her. Happy birthday baby boy.

I hope you watch over this sweet little angel. I sure wish I didn’t move away from her. I think maybe in a year I’m gonna move back home. Some of the friends I have here. I don’t really feel like they truly care if I’m around or not. My friend Kim has turned into my best friend although I think my health is probably wearing on her too. So I’m just starting to keep things to myself. I don’t wanna be a burden really wish you could be around to meet Kim. please watch out for her and her family especially her mama at this time. I miss you, Jake. I miss you so much.

Feeling sad but obviously that’s to be expected. No one to hang out with here today.  seems a little more depressing. So used to spending Mother’s Day with friends at home. it’s a gorgeous day. The sun is shining and kitty and I are just laying here eating junk food. I miss you a lot Jake. I’m picturing you skateboarding. first thing you always wanted to do when the weather got nice.

A memory. I’m lying here needing knee surgery badly. But there’s no one that can take care of my dog .. I always go back to how much you loved taking care of me. You were always so kind and helpful with so much care in your heart for me. Your birthday is coming soon and I’ve been feeling really down but I’m doing great with my new job. I’m so happy to be freelancing again in front of make up .. i’ve been doing it less than a month and I’ve already made our line number one in the state of Michigan. that’s a real honor. Again, I remember when I started Dior and how happy you were.. I was looking through your skate boarding pictures. And it’s still hard to believe how high you could jump. I can’t imagine how much fun you’re having in heaven skateboarding and he probably don’t even need to wear a helmet there lol. Love you, baby boy

Happy Easter, Jake. I sure do miss you. Think of you every day.

Jacob you would absolutely love her. Look at how sweet she is. Anyway, laying here thinking about you. It’s a gorgeous day out and the first thing you would be doing is hitting the skate park.🩷

It appears I have an opportunity to get back into my freelancing doing what I love. Makeup and skin care. And that makes me think of the day I got hired with Christian Dior, and I can’t believe how happy and proud you were of me, I think of that so much. Had fun with the girls at the winery yesterday. we wore big southern hats. It was just a really fun Easter’s coming and I’m sad because I miss you the Easter bunny couldn’t just bring you and your sister one Easter basket. There was always two of them plus.. I miss you so very much. My heart aches every day never gets easier.

Look how handsome. So much life you had to live missing you hurts every day like it was yesterday.

Kitty wasn’t feeling well. She was very sick. It was a bladder infection. I was so worried. And now she’s on the road to recovery. And playing again for a 10-year-old dog she always pulls through. I’m adopting her on Monday. It’s challenging, but the County put me in a corner. Anyway, I was laying here thinking about this time of year and you out skateboarding making me all scared and worried and nervous. I see a lot of skateboarders where I live. They do some crazy stuff. still gives me anxiety. I know I don’t like to come to the cemetery, but I promise the next time I come home I will come and visit, but I just don’t believe in cemeteries. Your funeral was planned so quickly. I didn’t do it the way I wish I had. Your spirit is with me every day🩵

I wasn’t invited to another family celebration. But I feel strong enough that I can handle it. Life sure does hurt. These are the moments I think about things like you said to me, “Mom why are we here?” You’re right we should have been on some island where there was no pain just beautiful water and lots of sharks and dolphins. I remember when you caught that baby shark you were so excited and so proud. I can still see that beautiful smile on your face when you got excited about something🖤

It amazes me how my brother on the left looks exactly like you on the right. Not only did you guys look alike, but you acted alike. I know you both are up in heaven having so much fun. I love you both.

Dear Jacob,
I’m sorry I didn’t understand the severity of concussions and head injuries. And I’m so sorry the medical field and the world didn’t either. I’m sorry, we all let you down.. I was watching a show earlier about concussions and it just makes me cry. I remember all the doctors that we went to begging for help and nobody would listen but then there was those times they convinced me you were fine. It was so confusing at times and your migraines were horrible and I completely understood those. Seems like you and I were so alone in the world. I wonder every day what life would have been like if the football player that made concussions nationwide a month after you died. Would have been a month prior to you dying. I do feel like things would have been different. Because you would have gotten the treatment you needed medically. I wonder also all the time the morning you took your life. And you were looking out your bedroom window and you looked over at me and said and I quote Mom why are we here? This isn’t us“ what did you mean by those words.I’m always going to wonder. I’m trying so hard, but time seems too still standstill. talking to Ryan,. Always makes me feel better. I’ve come a long way and for that. I’m grateful for, but it doesn’t take away the things that are always on my mind.
well, I needed to get that off my mind. I guess. I will tell you something that I’m thinking about which I know is completely crazy. Maybe thinking about trying out for plays🤔 i’m not sure how I would do in front of a bunch of people. So it’s scary, but how cool would that be. I remember when I got hired to work with Christian Dior. You were so proud of me. I’ve never forgotten that. Kitty is doing well. She’s having a hard time as far as not wanting to get her nails caught. So they’re going to actually put her to sleep next week to do it. She’s stubborn and Jake but she’s a sweetheart.🩵

I always feel so much better after I talk to Ryan,. That dream really got to me. Anyway, I was thinking because the weather is nicer. I know exactly what you would be doing. Skateboarding you always loved when it got warmer out. I never knew how you could skateboard for hours when it was so darn hot out. You were very talented for sure.

The most vivid dream of you last night. I sitting in a Church setting. I looked over and you were sitting on a bench right down from me. You were two years old. looks exactly the same as the picture I have of you when you were a little boy. I grabbed you so tight and couldn’t stop crying and I kept repeating. I’m sorry I didn’t love you enough. I’m sorry I didn’t hold you enough. I’m not sure where that all came from. But I’ve been so down all day. it seems like no matter how hard I try things just fall apart. I don’t fit in anywhere I thought moving was the answer, but I only feel more lost. like I’m in a bubble just floating around and nobody can see me and the thyroid problem is really taking me down hard. not getting any better. I know I have to stay strong and I hope I see you again in my dreams.

She reminds me of you. Always taking care of me when I don’t feel good.

Well, I’m not going to lie. This health challenge is draining. More blood work tomorrow. The nurse is recheck things in hopes that there was a mistake in the lab. Anyway, I’m just tired. I’m so very tired so send me down a little strength. I love you so much. Miss you every day. Think about you every day. grieve you every day.

And then Kim and I went to Crystal Mountain and I was thinking about you because I know how much you loved to ski there

We had so much fun today. It was pretty darn cold out, but the fresh air felt really nice.

Jake, I need a favor. I need you to send me a magical moment. I need some happiness and that starts with somebody hiring me in this town and I’m really struggling with that especially with my health, but I’m so homesick. wishing I could move back home. Why does everything have to be so expensive and not affordable.. i’m not being negative. I’m just sad. I’ve moved away from my granddaughter. It was good when I was coming home every month but now that I got kitty, I can’t… it’s not that easy to take her to the shelter for the nights that I’m away. It’s just too difficult for me to do that to her. I just need you to send me down some signs where the hell do I belong at in this world.? I have some good friends here.. Kim and I are very close.Deb and I are close too. although, she drives me crazy because she always thinks I should take my dog back to the pound😂 but she doesn’t mean it in a bad way. I’m learning that. I think Kim is my spiritual sister, my spiritual soul, sister, and no matter where I go we will always be connected.. unfortunately I just don’t think this town is my place. it is nice not seeing your face all over the place around here so much pain back home. I can walk through the mall here and not feel horribly depressed like I do at home walking through that mall because that’s what we always did. Just things like that I guess every day of my life revolves around you in someways.. Lilah is getting so big. She has so much heart and spirit. I miss her so much. I either have to get home every single month to see her or I have to move. That’s a decision. I’m going to have to figure out. Maybe you could help me with that. Good night.

Jacob you definitely sent me down the best dog💕

Do you ever watch down on mommy and shake your head wondering what my friend Deb and I are doing when we’re just staring out my window watching people😂 it’s very entertaining. Anyway I never thought living up north would be so boring and miserably cold. But I’m lucky. I have a couple good friends and a wonderful neighbor. We’ve gotten pretty close. I hope when I’m her age I have her beauty and her charisma and definitely energy. Well Valentine’s Day is Friday and you know that’s my favorite day . Although I’m not feeling well. Make the best out of it with Deb.. I never thought Thyroid with disease was so freaking miserable. They said it was going to take months before I go in remission.. my numbers are so high. never felt so sick in my life. And baby bug has the flu. she’s growing so fast. I can’t believe she’s going to be 4  this year.. I sit back and wonder what life would be like without her in it. Because she has given us all so much hope and love she came into this world and made our hearts beat again while I’m super tired so I’m going to bed love you. PS I’m feeling angry at you right now.

God sent the sweet angel in my life. We’ve been friends since I moved here. She’s been in Mexico for five weeks and she’s flying home tomorrow. So please keep her safe. Feels like we’ve been friends for a lifetime. She’s actually one of the few that I am 100% myself around. I think we’re going to have a lot of of summer fun. Well, I love you. I’m tired, sweet dreams, baby boy. I hope that heaven is putting on the best valentine party in the world. You know that’s mama’s favorite day of the year.

I’m sure you already know that I’ve been diagnosed with something pretty serious. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know to what degree. It’s crazy in life how you wake up one day and your whole world is  turned upside down. But nothing is worse than the day, I lost you. I can’t believe I moved away and then get sick. i’m not feeling sorry for myself. (I don’t think anyway). it’s just life has been hard since the day I was born and after you died, I experienced the whole new kind of pain. I think my body just is burned out because each day I’ve had to wake up without you and live with the visions of what you left me with. It takes everything I have sometimes. I feel so alone right now and of course scared but I will also stay strong and I know you’re watching down on me.

Wow, things have been really hard lately but the harassment having my dog is finally over. Ben yelled at threatened you name it. I don’t know why people have to hate on Pit-bulls. I just feel really drained and then having a lunch with someone and all she did Was treat me so horribly. Write down to making sure she took the top off the pepper and when I used it it went all over my lunch. 67-year-old woman had to be so horribly mean to me. I remember how you always protected me when the women at the cheerleading competition  were just so nasty. I don’t understand why people have to be so cruel. I don’t want to move back home, but I also don’t feel like I really fit in here. I have a really good friend and then I have acquaintances. Just feels a little lonely lately and I’m feeling really withdrawn. Wish you were here. you know Valentine’s Day is my favorite and I wish I could give you a box of candy and a teddy bear and of course some money lol I know we would be going shopping. I miss you.

Today has been one of those Jake days. feeling like everything just happened yesterday. I’m really struggling lately with some things. And I haven’t felt good. But I’m so glad I have kitty because she really is pulling me through. I think she’s my Angel although she’s a lot of work, taking her outside. And I’m hoping she gets a little easier to handle out there. I get scared because I don’t know how she’s going to react when she comes across someone she doesn’t like or a certain dog. It’s more my anxiety than it is her. anyway, I’m really missing you painfully. I hate these days where it’s a constant and I close my eyes and I still hope I was in a bad dream. My heart hasn’t been able to move on since you left and it doesn’t appear that it’s ever going to, but I’m OK with that. I am super blessed that I have a wonderful friends. I’m excited that Kim ‘s coming home from Mexico soon. I think this is gonna be a wonderful summer. These girls here are amazing and they are so caring of me. OK I’m rambling. Love you.

Please watch over Paul and make his test results. Come back good. 🩵

Wrap your arms around my friend Kim . And watch over her. It’s funny how certain people are brought into your life and it’s like you’ve known each other a  lifetime. I think the summer is going to be the best I’ve ever had since you left. Going to go hiking and do some adventures. I’m starting to feel like moving was very healthy for me. I still get home sick, but I have a lot of good things happening. I was angry at you today. It just hit me all of a sudden while I was driving I had to take a few deep breaths, anyway I love you

People say we have the same mouth and expressions. It’s pictures like these when I say yup they are so right.🩵

This sweet angel that was neglected and abused. Has came into my life and gave me joy. I love her so much. She’s doing so good. She knows she’s in a safe spot and she’s very spoiled. You would love her so much. I cried on her last night. I had another dream about you. It’s hard to even write on here without crying. Nobody will ever understand how much pain I feel every day. My life got so destroyed and my heart was shattered, but I’m happy I got kitty because she does make things easier for me. I think she knows I have PTSD because she does too so I think we help each other when I have the horrific visions of that morning. I start playing with her and try to keep my mind going somewhere else. Well, I love you so much and you are forever mommy‘s baby boy

Look at that sweet baby face. She’s been through so much. But she’s so happy now.

Well, I haven’t been feeling well. High thyroid, you name it I have it lol. Anyway, things are going good with my doggie. there is a Neighbor giving me a hard time about her breed. But it is what it is. She’s not very nice. She looks scary, but she’s the sweetest dog in the whole wide world. She’s getting very protective of me. She actually reminds me a lot of Ollie .. I miss you think about you every day. I know how much you loved winter and snowboarding. We always pick you out the best gear every year. You sure were a spoiled boy well, I love you so much.

Jake, she challenges me. She’s vulnerable. She’s been through hell and back. Her life has been hectic and painful and sometimes doubtful. with silent tears, she’s had to be strong and hold back so much pain so the world wouldn’t judge. Her marks and her scars show on her body. Her eyes are filled with sadness and pain. but she’s fearless and bold exceptionally strong although she has seen hell so many times. through her broken heart she has so much love and spirit and loyalty. Her eyes sparkle when she’s playing she sleeps at night, but wakes up a lot. Her thoughts consume her, but she always embraces the light. She’s protective and not fragile or weak. and she’s knocking me down to my feet. Literally.🦾😂.. i’ve had a few doubts and a few little meltdowns. She’s feeling better and she is wanting me to know it. I think she’s half my body weight. I almost lost control of her tonight. She twisted my knee. So yes, this is very challenging. I think it’s time mama gets back in the gym .. i’m going to need all the strength I can to train her. For some reason she was sent to me, although, I could’ve handled a poodle a little better😂
I think she reminds me of me. And I’m gonna have to figure out a way to train my mind. That it’s OK to not be OK. This is rough for me and it’s very challenging. She’s exceptionally strong, but I’m going to love her through the best and the worse.I will never turn my back on her.. I’m sure you’re looking down on me laughing right now. I seriously think you sent me a monster. I will bring her to see you once I get her trained to like the car. Because she literally hates it. Good night I’m going to bed. I love you, baby boy.

Abused and neglected sitting in the shelter, many health problems. And two months later. we found each other. Did you and Bailey send her down to me I wonder. My friends and I changed her name to Baby because I don’t think she got the name kitty out of love for the first time she knowsLove. And my heart is back to beating again. my friend came over today with so many goodies for her and baby was obsessed with Laura. i’ve been having tons of anxiety lately. I haven’t adopted her yet. She still belongs to the County. And I’m nervous about the other animals here and people. But so far she’s been doing really good. But I haven’t ran into another dog either. I’m just taking baby steps with her. Watch over her because her eyes are going bad. It appears both of them are very cloudy. She’s been through so much and I’m so happy that I can give her all the love she has deserved her whole life. I love you, baby boy.

Well, look at what your mama did. I’m fostering her. She’s been in a pound for a couple months roughly 8 years old maybe six her past is heartbreaking. Animal control rescued her from her-owner’s. I don’t know the whole story, but I do know she was tied to a truck. She’s pitbull Rottweiler. I know you would absolutely love her. It’s going to be really hard giving her up. I completely have fallen in love. Her name is Kitty. I’m guessing she was named for a fighting dog. But I can’t even think about that. I try really hard to just focus on her new life. She’s so sweet although she’s probably gonna knock me down those damn stairs so that’s a little scary. She’s so strong. They said it would take a while for her to get adjusted, but she acts like she owns my apartment already one thing she will not let anybody inmy apartment. It will not happen not even friends.😂😂 so I’m asking you if you could please help find her a good home with a fence yard. She can’t be around kids under 12. She can’t be around cats. She hates them and she can’t be around dogs. Please watch over her as her new home is being located. I miss you Jacob forever my baby boy.

Merry Christmas in heaven. thinking of all the fun memories we had at Christmas. Couldn’t wait to open the presents so we opened them all week. I gave you guys a present every day. Until Christmas. And Santa Claus came and ate the cookies and got crumbs all over and spilled milk all over. he was a little messy that year. We miss you Jacob not a day goes by not even an hour that my heart doesn’t skip a beat in pain. I hope you’re having a wonderful Christmas in heaven with all the millions and billions of lights. I’m sure it’s very beautiful. Watch down on Brooklyn and Lilah … I know you’re taking care of Paul and making sure he’s going to be OK and Christopher. I love you forever, my baby boy.

Well, things are really going good here. As far as meeting such amazing friends. I’m very blessed with that. Quit my job because the store manager is a bully and you know I don’t handle that well. and it made me think of when you.when you were in elementary school. You started protecting kids. Little Craig five years old. He was the only kid that was getting picked on…you took him under your wing . You were always strong willed like me. The store manager drew a picture of a doghouse on the board and put women’s names in it ..if they didn’t get enough credit card applications.. horrible. So for that reason I had to go. I think of you every time there’s a circumstance of that nature.I will always stand my ground with you tapping on my shoulder, whispering in my ear.” Don’t take that shit. Protect those and yourself.”.. Tammy. She’s HR. Changed me a little bit. I’m not sure what it was about her, but she seemed to understand everything about me. She gets me. she literally could tell by an expression on my face how I was feeling about something there was definitely a bond that will forever be. it was fun getting out to the girls Christmas party tonight. Even though I’m having a flare up, it’s mostly in my back at the moment. i’m reminding myself to live for today because yesterday is gone and tomorrow starts all over again. It’s a new beginning every day when you wake up. It’s a shock that I’m actually for real learning to not hold so much anger towards you I just struggle so much with the visions and the guilt and the wonder why’s.., but I’m proud of myself for really seriously trying. I love you, baby boy…Give Bailey a kiss on a nose for me.🎄

Today was a little rough with black Friday. I worked 10 hours trying to keep my mind off the memories of shopping with you and Brooklyn getting up at 4 AM. … definitely a good memory. Love you so much.

Heavenly Thanksgiving, Jacob. I’m laying here thinking about what it’s like up in heaven. A gigantic huge buffet full of candy lol. How could I not miss our candy runs. I think about it all the time you knocking on my bedroom door at close to midnight . “Mom Let’s go on a Candy run.”.. sometimes I still go on one. I remember the last Thanksgiving you were here.Nothing more you loved than sitting at a table and being creative with your drawings. 
My most favorite times is when we lived on Hagadorn Road. With our horses. We had the best Thanksgiving’s. I was thinking the other night when I was looking out the kitchen window and you were riding my horse standing up. And I literally thought I was going to have a heart attack. And of course, when I caught you riding the donkey backwards and there’s another concussion right there. You definitely had me on edge. One of your best traits was your humor. You were the funniest kid I’ve ever met. Bright blue eyes, huge smile and always making everyone laugh. I know your Thanksgiving in heaven is absolutely the best one ever. But I miss you so painfully and it seems so weird also not to have Bailey my life revolved around her since you left. 
Give Bailey a kiss on a nose for me. And Ollie.. miss them so much. I love you, Jacob you are forever, my baby boy and that will never change.

Blue was always your favorite color. I sent Lilah A blue scooter. She’s obsessed with her scooter. I figured she’s going to need a couple more. Lol. Thinking of you and missing you.

Another song from Jelly Roll..
Believe ..

Jacob I do believe I will see you again. I miss you so much. I just don’t understand why we can’t see the ones we love that go to heaven. But I have to believe you’re happy. Christmas has always been so magical for me. it’s also very painful since you left. But I still try to find the magic and Christmas.. the gift of my granddaughter will forever be my savior. Lilah saved all of us. She shines so bright. She has your character, the funny, charming, and very smart. She’s so lucky to have you for her Angel. please give Bailey and Ollie A huge kiss of nose. We miss them so much but we know they are so happy to be with you. I love you, baby boy

There’s this performer his name is jelly roll. Every time, I hear his songs I cry. I feel like so many of his words were exactly how you were feeling. i’m so disconnected since you left. I guess his songs help me too. He makes it OK to say I’m not OK. i’m having a horrible arthritis flareup. So I think I’m just feeling a little more emotional.. i’m driving home tomorrow and picking up baby bug Tuesday and I can’t be more happy. We are going to have so much fun and I will bring her to come and visit you. It’s hard going to the cemetery and I’m sorry that I don’t hardly ever go. but your heart is with me every moment of every day. I love you, baby boy.

This arthritis flareup is a big one. It’s so hard going through life pretending to  be OK. But mama is hurting. So I need you to send me down a little extra strength. And I love you so much and miss you every day. I bet Halloween in heaven. Is one heck of a great time for you with all that candy. I sure do miss our late night candy runs. Those were some really fun times and I cherish them…

Ive had the best couple nights. Moving up north was a really tough decision. But meeting new friends and starting new beginnings is starting to feel really good. I feel guilty, leaving East Lansing and not being surrounded by your presence, but it was unbearable. Although I don’t know who I am any longer without you. I’m trying so hard to find my new me. It’s been 10 years. Jake and I am still stuck in your bedroom from that morning. Maybe I will never come out of there. and maybe I will just have moments of happiness in my life. As we know my health isn’t that great. I just want to feel alive again and make every day as good as I possibly can. I wish I could hear the words I love you, Mom one more time.  but I know you’re watching down on me every day and those words are always going to be there. And thank you for guiding me through the new transition in my life. I love you so much and you will always and forever be my baby boy.

Ladybug is sticking her tongue out at you🤪 Watch over Paul and his family. Miss you, Jake.

I remember like it was yesterday you handed me this beautiful card. I was reading it with tears running down my face. And you’re like mom don’t cry. That was one of the most special moments that I have treasured every single day.❤️

I decided to put the lines under the words, exactly how you wrote it. And colored in the heart. Just tell you gave it to me. It’s so very special to have this gift the most beautiful card in the world.

I’ve been laying here feeling really sad tonight. Thinking about you. My birthday is never the same without you. you tried to always make my birthday special. I know it’s OK,that I have  rough days. But I also know it’s OK,to have a good days. Tomorrow, I will smile.💕

Baby boy watch over all the people in the middle of a hurricane right now. They need all the angels they can get. I love you so much.

Give Bailey and Ollie a kiss note for me.

It’s coming up on 10 years. Doesn’t seem real still .I hurt every day for you. I miss your beautiful smile so much. I miss how you told me everything about your day and skateboarding laying in bed with me watching TV. All of our candy runs and date nights and I also miss how much you loved me. I’m so sorry that you were hurting so badly. I’m sorry for the pain you must have been feeling and I’m so sorry I didn’t see it. I know you’re happy now especially since you have Ollie  and Bailey. and you’re watching my beautiful granddaughter girl every day. She has very special angel watching over her. And keeping her safe. I love you.

I’m laying here thinking how much fun you are having with Bailey and Ollie. Jake, you  run through my mind every second. Sometimes I think I actually get physically tired. But I’ve been having fun lately. Meeting new people. I have some great friends. I’m starting to think I made the right decision by moving when I’m by the water all I’m thinking about is  you. I hope you know how much I love you. You forever, my baby boy❤️

I’ve been having some bad dreams. It’s nice seeing you but maybe you can make them a little bit better. anyway ,I miss you. I can’t believe it’s going to be 10 years that you’re gone soon. It will forever feel like yesterday. forever, my baby boy❤️

Talking about you right now. Connected with my sister and I couldn’t be happier. I think you and Jimmy had a lot to do with that. I love you, Jacob.

I love the look on your face and this picture. I miss you. I know how much you loved Fourth of July. I can’t imagine how beautiful the fireworks are in Heaven. I miss Bailey. Please give her a kiss on the nose for me.

Happy fourth in  heaven, Jacob and Bailey.I hope you and Bailey are having a wonderful time watching the beautiful fireworks . Bailey is not down here suffering like she usually does on Fourth of July. I know you are holding her tight. I miss you both so much. I love this picture of us. We were so happy.

OBITUARY

Jacob James Paradise

May 23, 1994 – September 7, 2013

Gorsline Runciman Funeral Homes

Show your support

Add a Memory

Share Obituary

Get Reminders

Services